And time is its only measure.

I've always loved the play "Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead" by Tom Stoppard (also a fantastic movie directed by Stoppard, love that).  There is so much wit and wisdom mushed up with humor that I could easily read it a hundred more times (and no, I have no idea how many times I've read it but I do know most of it by heart now).  Hamlet is a play about death, and truth, and sort of a coming to terms with of both.  It's deep, no dispute, but Stoppard's take on it comes from somewhere even more profound.  He reaches deeper, pulls out just a little more of the guts of the matter.

Why am I think about this right now?  Death, obviously.

I can name a few times where I've escaped it, or someone I love has.  From the deaths door hospital visits to the near fatal accidents that leave you thankful you hesitated for just an extra 20 seconds.  Most of us have those memories, those moments, those almosts, but we don't like to dwell on them.

"All your life you live so close to truth it becomes a permanent blur in the corner of your eye. And when something nudges it into outline, it's like being ambushed by a grotesque."

That's how I feel right now.  Ambushed by the grotesque, the truth in this case being the reality of death, the fragility of life.

My son is alive.  My son is healthy.  My son is mentally, emotionally, socially capable.  But how easily it could have been different.

My own birth story is one of near death.  A full month before my mother was due to have me she started getting odd pains.  One night she rolled over, told my dad she was going to the ER, got up and drove herself in.  They did some test and the results led to an immediate emergency cesarean section.  My mother was told that had she waited much longer to come in I wouldn't have likely surrvived; the umbilical cord had become detached from the placenta.  I spent the first week of my life in a NICU with breathing assistance for a collapsed lung (due to the early delivery).  I've always felt extremely lucky to be alive and to have suffered no serious affects from my rather traumatic entrance into this world.

Twenty eight years and two weeks later I found myself having an emergency c-section.  This time was slightly less of an emergency (far better survival rate of the two conditions), but still highly traumatic.  Jude was breach (we found out 12 hours AFTER  my water broke... ultrasounds should be standard when you get to the ER) but more importantly he'd already released his bowels (and had done hours before anyone realized what was going on) and there was fear of meconium aspiration.  The longer he was in there with it, the bigger chance he had of serious side effects, including brain damage and even possible death (research MAS if you want all the details, trust me, I have).  We were lucky, he was fine, is fine, but to this day I still think of how close we came to tragedy... of how easily it could have been different.

Once, while pregnant with Jude, I don't recall how far along I was but it was near the end.  I was nice and round.  I was driving to Target, sitting in the turn lane waiting for my light.  I was going south on Union Ave, so the turn was a left on to 23rd st.  My light changes along with the turn facing me and there were no cars waiting for the light to go straight through.  The light turned green and I hesitated, just for a few seconds.  A car come speeding down Union coming north, toward me, runs the red he obviously had and keeps going... had I turned when the light changed I would have been t-boned, hard.  I think about that moment and how pregnant I was at the time and I get that tightening in my chest, that "holy shit" feeling that reminds you of the might-have-beens.

There are other times, car accidents that I should not have walked away from so easily, late night walks alone that could have spelled rape or murder (there were times I approached random houses to make it look like I'd reached my destination so a car would stop following me.  I had my stupid teenager moments too), illnesses that have decently high mortality rates.  It's all far more delicate a balance than we want to admit; life and death.  I'm not sure we could manage if we thought about it too often though.  How much fear might rule our lives if we pay too much attention to that side of the coin.  Being reminded every once in a while is all I think we can handle.

Celeste Hope Herrboldt, you have given us the gift of remembrance; life is precious and must not be taken for granted.

Heavy Heart

Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.  ~William Shakespeare

For the baby girl my brother and his family lost today; we didn't know her in life but her absence is still felt.  I don't want to take away from their pain, and I needed to express my sorrow, so I lay it here in the black and white of the printed word.


I can't imagine losing a child, not in any capacity.  The very nature of our relationships is one of expecting to have them outlive you.  They become your heart personified, life without which feels impossible.  I've known quite a few friends who have had to deal with such a loss, always prior to birth... this is the closest I've ever been to it though.  My niece, with the cutest little profile.  She would have been in her mother's arms in less than two weeks.  God, it sucks.  It sucks so much.

I'm glad that they have their faith to see them through this time.

Poker Face

I have what appears to be a little puzzle champ on my hands.  Jude has taken to jigsaw puzzles just like his Momma (my mom tells me I was doing 1000 piece ones by age 5/6).  He never seemed to care much for the simple wooden peg ones so it was kind of surprising how quickly he picked up on the regular 25-30 piece rectangular inter-locking ones.  He's got a ton of them now just to keep it interesting and he does about 5 of them a day on average (currently his favorite play item).

Part of me isn't at all surprised because he is a little problem solver by nature and we've encouraged that kind of thinking in him every chance we gotten.  We emphasize team work and brainstorming which are skills I personally feel are invaluable in small children.  I think far too many parents think that Kindergarten is there to teach their children these and other social skills and so fail to do it themselves when the child is truly eager to lean them.  Think of how much easier it would be for your child to transition into a classroom setting if they're already confident that they can work with their peers and tackle any problem they might face.  That kind of confidence is what sets them up for success, not knowing their ABC's.  While that skill is handy there is actually little proof that being able to read prior to Kindergarten gives them any real advantage (not counting super genius babies that are just by nature more advanced cognitively which is a different issue), however, ask any teacher if there's an advantage to your child being socially competent at an early age and you're not likely to hear a "nay" from the bunch.

"What is social competence?" you may well ask.  It's rather simple to start with; sharing, taking turns, helping others, manners (including please, thank you, excuse me, sorry, asking instead of taking etc), problem solving, emotion recognition (being able to tell how someone is feeling through their expression and demeanor) and empathy.  To name a few.

Most of these things you can easily teach by example, and the rest just take a few extra mins when dealing with conflicts your child encounters while in your care.  For example, we have a very specific technique we use with Jude when it comes to teaching empathy.  Any time he does something to hurt anyone, even accidentally, we stop, ask him to look at the other person, to look at their face or if they're crying identify that.  We ask him what he thinks that means, what made them feel that way, etc.  Then we ask him what he thinks would help make them feel better.  It use to be he'd say a hug or kiss but more recently he's started to really problem solve it.  A month or so ago he sprayed his Papa with the hose, after being told not too, and Papa got pretty upset.  When they came inside Jude was claiming he didn't mean to do it (which was up for debate) and I told him it did not matter.  Regardless of his purpose the result is the same, Papa is wet and upset.  I reminded him of how just the previous night a friend of his had gotten him wet (on accident) and how upset he'd been about it.  I asked him what he thought he could do to make Papa feel better and the says "A towel!"  Great idea!  So the boys went off to get a towel and Jude helped Papa dry off.  I was super proud of him for that.  And proud of us for taking the time when things like that arise and give us the opportunity to really teach him how to interact with others.

Another thing I do with him, have been doing for some time now, is the happy face sad face game.  It's not really a game, but whatever.  We simply make exaggerated faces and identify the emotion that goes with them; happy, sad, mad, etc.  We've added more as he gets older and learns more complex emotions.  I feel this is very important, for boys especially because of their inability to identify emotion in others due to biological reasons.  Read Inside The Teen Brain for more info on that.  Helping your child learn to differentiate fear and anger could help stave off a lot of unnecessary arguments in their future.  I want Jude to have every advantage possible.  How you treat others is often far more important that how smart you are.  Hiring managers will tell you that they'd rather have an employee that can be part of the team without struggle than one that is abrasive but with a slightly higher IQ.

Social competence is KEY.

The other things I mentioned are all pretty straight forward.  The important thing to remember is that while it may seem like a pain to force an issue with your child, like if they take a toy from another child but the other child doesn't seem to care, do it anyway.  Take every opportunity to teach them.  Maybe that child doesn't care, but the next one likely will, and teaching them to ask first is important regardless.  Teaching them to say they're sorry is another pit fall if you fail to teach them WHY they say it.  "I'm sorry" often becomes a get out of jail free card because children learn that if they say it they're no longer in trouble... but they don't really mean it so what have you really taught them?  "I didn't mean it" is another cringe worthy statement.  Okay, so, you didn't mean to hurt that kid but guess what?  You still did, and the result is the same to the one with the bloody knee.

I'm running out of steam so I'll leave it with this.  You're child can be a genius but that doesn't guarantee their success, or their happiness in life.  Some of the most intelligent people are the most unhappy simply because they aren't very good at interacting with others.  Sometimes this is an issue of mental problems, sometimes it's not (we know that most true geniuses suffer from some form of mental or developmental illness or another), it doesn't mean that we as parents shouldn't be doing everything we can to teach them the skills that will make it easier for them to be socially competent.

Sir Jude

I love having the kind of child that other parents, strangers even, "aw" over on a regular basis.

Jude is my little knight, full of chivalry and loyalty and love.  A mother can not ask for more.

All You Need Is Love

I can't even begin to describe the immense amount of love and pride I have for my son and his ability to empathize with others.  Yesterday we visited with a couple of dear friends and unfortunately their kitty was dying of old age (he passed last night).  Naturally his mommy was upset and after checking on the poor meow came out into the living room wiping away tears.  Jude saw her, asked me where his blanket was and when I gave it to him proceeded to walk over and give it to her.  He recognized that she was sad, thought about what helps him feel better when he's sad, and then acted without hesitation.

Moments like that really reinforce my belief that we're doing well by our son.  He's growing into such an amazing person and he's not yet three.

“Compassion is not religious business, it is human business, it is not luxury, it is essential for our own peace and mental stability, it is essential for human survival.” - Dalai Lama

Even when it's white...

Totally teaching this to Jude.

White Lie

By Zachary Pincus-Roth (Writers' assistant on the show "Lie To Me")

I say I'm 10 when I'm 9 and a half
My uncle tells a joke and I try to laugh
In gym I fake a headache when I want to quit
I say I love the sweater that my grandma knit


But that's a white lie
(white lie)
That's the kind you want to tell
a white lie
(a white lie)
So your mom won't have to yell
a white lie
(a white lie)
Everybody does it cause it feels alright and it's more polite
But a lie's still a lie even when it's white


I pretend I'm asleep when my dad walks in
I said I ate my chicken but I just ate the skin
Your face can say you're lying
and your mouth says you're not
Your pants are on fire
but they're not too hot
When it's a white lie
(white lie)


It's the kind you want to tell
a white lie
So your dad won't have to yell
a white lie
(white lie)
Everybody does it cause it feels alright and it's more polite
but a lie's still a lie even when it's white


While it might be hard, to say what's true,
would you want a white lie told to you?

Awesome vs. Weird

Jude's newest oral funny... "That's pretty awesome."  He's been saying it about everything lately.  Or "That's pretty weird."  He uses that one when he's less excited about the point of interest.

Bravo sir, bravo

 

This is Jude's Hollywood honey.  It's funny to me that his real life honey looks very similar.  Striking young ladies, both.  *Sigh* my boy has good taste.

Epic Love

Let me ask you a question.  What do you hope for your child/children?  What do you wish for them?  Out of everything you've learned of life and how it stacks the deck, what is it you WANT for your child?  I ask because I dream big for my boy, but there is only one consistent hope I come back to.  Knowledge, beauty, fame, fortune... to me all of that is fleeting.  It can come and go; ebb and flow; as easily gotten as taken away.  For me, the one answer that has ever remained is this:  I wish for my boy an epic love.

Yup.

Romeo and Juliet style, just without the death.  I want him to know what true love is.  Epic, consuming, pure.  I want him to want to find his best match in spite of modern times and the ever widening pool of possibilities.  When the world is small it's easy to believe you've met "the one" and be happy.  In modern times with things like the internet offering up this endless buffet of "love" and match making it's a wonder anyone can even believe is soul mates.  You may think that's contradictory; that you have an even better chance of finding "the one" thanks to this allowance of cross continent connection.  I say bah to this.

I think that "soul mates" is a dream.  I think happiness is simply finding someone that you fit well with, not perfectly, because no such thing exists.  I once wrote a paper on the "glass slipper ceiling" (totally the title, English teachers LOVE me) and how women are sort of raised to expect a perfect prince charming and how that effects us in so many negative ways and prevents many from ever finding happiness in life.  I was 20 at the time... wise beyond my years... which is why I didn't really date much back them, or ever.

Anyway, this links back to having a child in that I want him to be "Jude" and find his "Lucy".  If you get the movie reference you get it and probably understand a little better why I chose that name... call it a hope of self-fulfilling prophecy.

I have only ever been in love with one man.  Crazy huh?  I've loved others, don't get me wrong, but loving and being in love are two separate things.  I'm not saying I didn't' have the potential to fall in love with other men, I intentionally prevented myself from doing so... and that is a post for the private journal.  I'll move on.

Jude is bound to make me proud in so many ways.  He is very smart, he appears to have decent (if not great) talent in a few different areas but time will draw him down one path or another and focus him (or so I can hope), he's driven and very focused over-all... I just hope, pray, focus positive vibes, on him having an EPIC love.  Epic is the key word here.  I want him to feel that life is about that love, that everything begins and ends with that person (within reason... no suicide pacts or anything).  This could be someone he meets in Paris when he's 25, or in Washing when he's 45, or even someone he meets now at 2 1/2 and that loves grows out of friendship.  Although I hope earlier than later so he can really enjoy it...

More than fortune or fame, that is what I want for my boy.

Reflections

Jude's being a royal pain in the ass today so I'm forcing myself to remember what a good, and fairly easy, child he normally is.  So far I've found him covered in something sticky that has yet to be identified & covered in sunscreen (as well as a good spot of it on the carpet).  Two separate events.  Then he decides to start spitting on everything and when I tell him to stop he leaves the room, thinking I won't hear him, and begins doing it some more  He's being contrary and yelling  a lot, and yes, I have a decent headache now.  The "why" is making a very active appearance today as well so I'm basically just trying not to lock him in his room.

Funny thing is that is all pretty normal "terrible two" stuff.  The reason it's more obvious right now is simply because Jude doesn't normally do these types of things, at least not to this extent and all at once.  He's a rules kid and knows that if I break out the "mom" voice it'll serve him better to listen.  He's polite and sweet and typically would rather make you happy then piss you off.  Hell, if he were the standard our world would be a much better place.  'Course, that would require that the standard parents be more like us.

Yeah, I just said it.  Want to argue about it?  I know we're good parents.  I don't claim we're prefect, I do differentiate, so don't mistake this for hubris.  This is confidence in part due to the fact that my child is so well behaved (especially in contrast to half the little heathen monsters we run across during everyday events) and in part due to the constant positive feedback we receive from friends, family and strangers.  When a 2 year old manages to say excuse me to a stranger in the supermarket so that he can get by, yeah, that's a clear display of manners which reflects upon his upbringing.  So there.

Many of our friends are also up to par.  But then again, you are who you surround yourself with.  Friends are reflective of the type of person you are (not in specifics, just in generalities) so it makes sense that our friends (not all by any means, but a very large portion of them) are also exemplary parents.  There is also something to be said for having one of those "bad seed" kids, but those are few and far between.  I don't think I know a single person (personally) with a young child that I would put into that category... oh wait, no, there is one, but for the sake of feelings I won't even hint at who I think that is.  Everyone else we know has either above average parenting skills or has a child that is simply amazing and is so in spite of whatever challenges the upbringing has posed.

And since it's taking me over an hour to get this posted I'm going to stop there.  I'll leave it hanging.

Oh, what do you do in the summer time?

Wow, that was a fun filled weekend.  Along with more or less finishing up my school work... the parts of it I decided were worth bothering with anyway... we got to take Jude on his first boat ride (he drove, no joke), hang out with some super people, eat great food, visit the city (Seattle) for some hat shopping and cupcakes (yes, they're worth driving up there for, trust me) and then got to spend some time with family too boot.  That is one FULL weekend.  The best part?  Most of our weekends will likely shape up like that for the summer, at least in being full.  The events may trade out from time to time with things like camping, but much will also likely be similar.  Which I'm more than okay with.

So, now for some pictures (first two are cell phone, so that's why they're not that big): Oh, captain, my captain!

 

"I'm on a boat!" 

Jeremy let him actually steer most of the time.  He took his job very seriously.

 

 

 That adorable little lady is Ami;

we're already planning the wedding (not really, but we can dream).

Best cupcakes ever.

Eagle Eye

So, are you enjoying my little blog posts?  I enjoy posting them, so really it's of no consequence.  I get the feeling they're just enough information to keep you coming back for more; just enough wit and wisdom, just enough sarcasm and foul language, just enough details to make you wonder.  I like that idea.

 

Jude's back on a Cars kick.  Go figure.  The upcoming release of the 2 movie has these little guys featured EVERYWHERE and Jude has an eagle eye that can spot one on the smallest amount of packaging on the store shelf.  It's can be an inch wide and ten feet away, but he'll point it out... which means you spend three mins trying to figure out what the hell he's talking about and then another three being impressed with his eyesight and ability to identify things.  I'm not at all worried about his eyesight or his intelligence.

Oh, I'm super excited for summer, not least of all because it means no late classes or homework which means we can get Jude onto an earlier schedule of bedtime.  I have no desire to sleep our days away so it's going to be early to bed and early to rise for us for the next few months... longer if FA doesn't come through and I can't attend classes in the fall... long story.  Grumpy story.  Back to Jude.  I got him up earlier today after fighting him on sleep last night.  I have no idea why but lately he's taking hours to fall asleep at night.  We haven't switched up any other part of his schedule so I'm not sure what he's up to.  I'm hoping that I can get him to nap earlier today so he'll go down easier tonight.  Children can be a real mystery sometimes though so all I can do is hope.

I just realized I never updated on Jude's last doc. apt.  Silly me.  I took him in to really talk to the doctor about his legs, specifically his left and it's more pronounced curvature due to his being a breach baby.  As he's getting more active we've noticed that it creates a pigeon toe and causes him to trip himself when he gets going to quickly or is just walking sloppily.  It makes me sad because I constantly have to tell him to "watch your feet" and to slow down.  I hate it, I hate that he can't just take off and run this his little friends.  Given, most toddlers are a little sloppy and fall down on a regular basis, but not as much as Jude and not for the same reasons.

Anyway, anytime we brought it up with the doctors they sort of shrugged it off and told us he'd grow out of it.  It never felt like they were taking us seriously so I made an apt. specifically for it so they knew I wanted it addressed more directly.  We saw Dr. Daniels, who I like.  She never talks down to us, always lets us know that our concern is valid, but also reassures us and explains everything.  She took a good look at him, had him walk and run to her, examined his legs.  His tibia is curved but since he's still growing his body is still working to correct it.  It'll take time and in the mean time he'll trip, a lot, but his bone is being "told," so to speak, to straighten and the more he's running around and walking the more pronounced the message will be.  Makes sense.  She also told me that in the past something like this would have found him in a brace or corrective shoes, but we simply don't do that anymore.  There are studies done on the children from the 50's and 60's that had those devices and those that "should have" but never did due to inability to afford, or just because they wouldn't wear them.  There is no difference in them as adults.  The rate of success with bone straightening is equal in both groups.  The study was done in Seattle, I came home and looked it up.  I wanted to read it for myself, he's my baby after all, I want to make the best and most informed decisions concerning his health.

So, now I feel better.  I feel like the issue was addressed and given significant attention.  I don't feel like the doctor was trying to placate me.  I feel more informed on the subject and while I hate that Jude is going to just have to deal with it, it's not something he's likely to remember when he's older.  It may make him more cautious over all, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.  The boy does tend to be a little unaware when he's walking or running, so he could afford to pay a little more attention to his surroundings, lol.

I Promise

It's so interesting to me the things that children pick up from their parents.  I tend to tell Jude "I promise" a lot.  I only do it when I know I can produce the desired results, but that's often enough when the desired results are fairly simple, like "we will go to the store, but only after lunch, I promise," or "we will play with the puzzle, but we have to clean up the other toys first, I promise."  See?  Pretty easy when they're 2.

Jude has adapted this speech habit of mine and now uses it quite regularly.  He let the cat outside the other day and closed the screen behind him, to which the cat responded by turning around and looking a little concerned.  Jude told him, "when you come back, I'll let you back in Keyo, I promise."  How cute is that?  And let me assure you, despite his slight toddler lisp, he is that articulate.  I'm not sure if it's simply how he is, or it's because we've always tried to teach him to 'use your whole sentence' when speaking.  Probably a little of both.

The other super cute speech thing he did today, that I've never heard prior and I'm curious to see if it'll continue, he was telling me he loves me, and missed me (he does this all the time, the "miss you") and then told me, in a very concerned voice, that "you worry me Momma." ... Not sure what to make of that, but it was cute nonetheless.  "I worry you?" I asked him, "Yes Momma."  That's the most explanation I got out of him.  Now, we have been known to use that phrase, like "You worry me sometimes," when referencing behavior.  Usually in light, but I didn't think we used it often enough for Jude to have picked up.

We have a child with a great capacity for understanding the spoken word.  At least that's what the most recent evidence is telling me.  He's very keen on words and how to use them.  He uses big words regularly and in context... which my mother tells me I did all the time, so this really comes as no surprise to me.  In fact, I'm rather giddy about it.  I love language and I can't imagine having a child that didn't share the pleasure.  I can't wait to see where it develops in the coming year.