Lose the Platitudes

This isn't really a post on being a mommy, but really, when you become a parent it invades pretty much every aspect of who you are and how you look at the world, so in a way it is.  I've had a lot of friends, and some family, dealing with great losses lately.  The still birth of my niece is the closest grief has ever come to me personally, and that had a very surreal quality to it.  It was upsetting, but I grieved more for my brother and his wife than for myself.  I felt pain for them mostly.  If I lost my other niece or either nephew I'd feel it much more deeply I'm sure.  I've had time to connect with them and get to know them as little individual people, losing them would be huge.  I'm not saying it doesn't suck, the loss of Celeste, it's just buffered in a way.

Anyway, I've been lucky, very lucky.  Even among my extended family I've only lost people either before I was born, or ones that I was never close to, maybe met once.  I have my parents, my brother (I'll not go into the other brother right now), my grandparents, sans the Grandmother that died before I was born.  I'm lucky.

The point of this post isn't really about how lucky I am.  It's about grief and how in today's modern times people seem to think they have to rush it.  We're a fast-food, instant-coffee, drive-through-banking kind of society; quick and dirty.  And it's bled into other areas of our lives, areas that should not be subject to such an extreme time line.

I read something recently that had me going "Yup, that's how I see myself reacting" when I thought about losing someone close, especially Jude, my baby.

***
     It's funny the things people say when someone dies.
     He's in a better place.
     How do you know that?
     Life goes on.
     That's supposed to comfort me?  I'm excruciatingly aware that life goes on.  It hurts every damned second.  How lovely to know it's going to continue like this.  Thank you for reminding me.
     Time heals.
     No it doesn't.  At best, time is the great leveler, sweeping us all into coffins.  We find ways to distract ourselves from the pain.  Time is neither scalpel nor bandage.  It is indifferent.  Scar tissue isn't a good thing.  It's merely the wound's other face.
~Karen Marie Moning, Shadowfever.
***

Yeah, I could see myself getting angry.  The less expected and the younger the individual, the more pissed off I'd be.  And I wouldn't want to hear all the platitudes.  If I lose someone and you want to comfort me, shut up and just be pissed off with me.  Get mad at the world, get mad at God or whatever higher power you hold truth to, I sure as hell will.  Yell, rage, tell me it's not fair.

Not that I'm of the "life is fair" school of thought, on the contrary I'm aware that life is unfair on most counts and you just have to do your best with your little bubble of control over it.  That, however, does not mean I have to like it.  Life should be fair, but it's not, and that sucks balls.  Death is often greatly unfair, but we have almost no control over it, which creates a helplessness that cuts.  On top of that we don't know what happens after.  You can preach to me about any type of heaven you want but the simple fact is that it's not FACT, it's faith.  You are more than welcome to it, but it's not fact, you can't prove it, so for arguments sake we're in the dark on any type of after-life.  We're blind and that's scary as shit.

I guess my reason for posting this is two-fold.  One, I've just had it in my head and wanted to get it out.  Two, for those of you reading this that have lost, please don't feel like you have to "put on a brave face", not for me, not for anyone.  Grieve, surround yourself with it, pull it close like a big ol' down comforter and soak it in.  Then, when you're ready, and only when you are ready, fold it up, put it on a shelf and enjoy the simple things while you still have life left in you.  You'll never be rid of it, it'll be there for you when you need it, and at times when you don't want it.  Some times you'll pull it out and curl up with it, other times just open the closet door and peek at it, you may even, on occasion, misplace it or forget it's there... but you'll go looking for something else and it'll slip down off the shelf and make itself known.

Don't be ashamed or afraid of it, and don't apologize for it.  Ever.

Potty Time Con.

On an additional note, Jude actually woke up and had Papa take him to the potty in the middle of the night Friday/Saturday.  And, while it was too late, he woke up last night with the same request/desire.  This is HUGE on the potty training front; that he's actually waking up when he needs to go pee!  Super fantastic big boy!

Potty Time!

So, proud mommy moment.  Jude has only had two wet pull-ups in the last four days.  He's staying dry overnight, waking up and going potty on the potty.  He's been potty trained with the dirty business of pooping for a good six months now, and while he started off peeing in the potty when he started going number two he stopped.  Sort of a a weird switch to me, but that's how it went.  But while on vacation in OR he really started to notice when he was peeing and he'd tell me.  By the time we were back home he was 50/50 of telling me he was going and telling me he needed to go.  It's been almost two weeks since we got home and he's pretty much making it every time.  I'm so impressed with him.  We're thinking big boy under-roos starting this weekend.

Our journey through potty training, for those struggling, went like this:
1) Bought a little potty when Jude was around 18 months.  Also bought Elmo's Potty Time DVD, which is fantastic and I highly recommend it.  Kept the little potty in the living room so Jude could sit on it whenever he felt like it.  Not necessarily to potty, just to sit and get use to the idea.
2) Around the 2yr mark we became more proactive and moved the potty into the bathroom.  I would just take Jude in there if I saw him starting to make "poop" face, and/or when I expected him to need to.  He's has  a fairly regular potty schedule, so that made it easier.  I would also just take him in if he hadn't had a wet diaper in a while and have him pee.  All the while talking about it, encouraging him, giving him an M&M for going etc.
3) When he was peeing but not pooping in the potty I started a potty chart and reward system.

That worked super well for getting him to poop on the potty.

4) Then, as I stated at the start of this entry, we had issues with peeing.  That was mostly over come with simply talking with him about it, telling him he needs to let us know before he pees, encouraging him with the idea of big boy under-roos and getting to go pick some new ones out.  Also by super praise and telling him how proud we are when he does go.  There is the occasional treat too, but I make that inconsistent so he doesn't expect it all the time.  He's just ready to be a big boy now.

Man... my little dude is growing up!

If it hasn't been easy for you, I must point out one thing.  Jude has always been sensitive to having dirty diapers.  He's never been one to stick his hand down them either and we've never once had an incident of him taking off his diaper/pull-up or painting with his poop.  If his diaper started to come off for any reason he'd let me know so I could fix it.  This is not the normal behavior of a toddler.  The opposite is normal.  I'm ridiculously glad Jude is not normal in that department and it's made our job with potty training far easier than it typically goes for most parents.  So don't compare, just keep trucking.  They all get there eventually.

Robot Pinata; Directions/Tips/Photos

As promised here's my step by step for creating a robot pinata.  Or any pinata you may need in a rectangle shape, just decorate to suit.  Click any of the images to view them larger.

Start by cutting the top off of a large cereal box.  Then turn the box on it's end, pick a side and cut a small, hinged, opening like so:

{edit} I discovered that there is a need to add more weak point to the pinata unless you really want to give the kids a workout!  So, I would recommend cutting out "break-a-way" panels into the body of the box as well.  I plan to do so with the next pinata I make.  Simply cut a few squares out at random and cover them like you will the bottom. {/edit}

This will be end up being how you get your treats into the pinata once it's ready.  Next you'll cut a slot for your hanger in what use to be the bottom of the box and is now the top.  I used a child's hanger so it would be nice and sturdy.  I also added duct tape around the hole to reinforce it's strength.

Now make your paper mache mix.  I used flour and water, you can use whatever mix you like.  If you want specifics on amounts and tips on the best way to make it Google it.  There are a ton of different ways.  You'll start but covering the bottom of your pinata.  I did three layers, letting it dry a little in between each application.  I covered the rest of the box with one overlapping layer.  You'll want to do more or less depending on who's breaking into it.  Mine is for a three year old, I guestimated three layers would be good.  I'll find out at the party.  I did do extra layers around the top, again to reinforce it.  And don't forget to keep your entry hole available.

 

Once it's all dry you get to do the fun stuff, decorate!  I took a regular roll of party streamer tissue paper and cut off a bunch of squares.  Start at the bottom of the box and work up on the front, back and sides.  I just used a glue stick to apply.

You can layer more or less on the top if you're concerned with the paper showing through.  The flash on the camera made it more visible than it is when you're just looking at it.  I wasn't concerned with the top.  Okay, so the bottom is choice.  I chose to add some leftover Easter basket filler I had laying around.  I used double sided tape and just did it piece by piece.  You could do ribbons, strings, streamers, or nothing at all.  I then edged it all with more tissue paper squares to cover the paper mache.

For the eyes and mouth I used colored foam sheets I'd bought at The Dollar Tree forever ago.  Worked out great.  The goggley eyes came from there too I think... if not you can buy them at any craft store.  If you need templates you could always find an image on-line and print.  I did mine by tracing a cup and free-handing the gear teeth. The mouth speaks for itself.  I haven't decided on the nose yet, but I'm either just going to cut out some colorful shape or use a bottle cap, give it bit of metal, could be cute.  For these things I used a hot glue gun to apply.  I don't want them falling off on the first hit.

 

So there you have it.  A robot pinata from scratch.  I'd estimate the cost at a couple of bucks, not counting the candy.  You can up-cycle things you have laying around for decoration.  Pretty neat.  I'm pretty proud of my creation and I Jude is pretty stoked about it himself. 

{Jude takes a swing!}

Party like it's your Birthday!

Jude's birthday is fast approaching.  I love planning his parties.  LOVE.  I have all these ideas and trust me, if I wasn't limited in cash, you'd be seeing some serious Tori Spelling action going on.  As it is I start planning and buying just after the current party is over for the following year.  Yup, I'm a planner, I'm a Virgo, it's in my soul.

This year we're doing a robot theme.  I have all these cute plates and tags for gift bags that are custom made with Jude's info on them.  We've got his robot toys corralled to be used as decor (and I may be running to VV to see if they have any cheap additions to pick up).  I'm making cake-pops in the shape of robot heads... I think... we'll see where my patience lies when it comes time.  They're so super yummy though I can't imagine not making them for my boy.  We'll also do a small cake for him, for the candles.  Robots are nice and square so cakes are easy.

You know what's no easy?  A square pinata.  Well, let me rephrase that, it's not hard, it's just you have to get a little more creative.  I didn't care fully for any of the instructions I found; the results weren't exactly what I wanted, so I sort of mixed them up.  I think I'm going to have great success on this project.  I feel good about it.  The steps make sense to me, although the real test will be if it's too easy or not easy enough for the kiddos to break into.  I'll take pictures of the steps and post them so that anyone else interested can see how I did it.

I'm feeling all crafty and in mommy mode right now.  Love it.

I think we may make a robot costume too, for Jude, just for fun for the party.  Boxes are easy to come by, so it silver spray paint.  Alana and Dylan made some for their baby shower a few months back and they were super cute.

Ekk, excited.

Useless Playgrounds

Do the people that are currently designing playground equipment have any idea how retarded most of it is?  The modern movement that looks like Picasso drew up the plans may look cool, but it's actually difficult for kids to play on.  Bigger kids may be able to scale the weird rope-with-balls thingy, or make use of the convex squiggle slide, but Jude sure can't.  And the areas designed for toddlers?  He gets bored with.  I can't even figure out what a kid is suppose to do with most of those odd hanging things or random spinning poles.  Most of these items don't actually do anything and they can't be used to do anything with.

Where are the real slides?  The monkey bars that don't twist to a useless vertical position halfway through?  The centers that look like tree houses and pirate-ships instead of something from the modernist movement?  Is this an attempt to get our kids to use their imaginations?  Because I had no problem using mine playing in fort like structure  pretending I was part of Robin Hoods pose.

Tacoma Parks, stop buying that crap.  It's stupid and useless.

STOP having babies!

Sometimes I get really tired of guarding my speech for the sake of people I know.  This annoys me for two reasons, the first being I have something to say about something I feel strongly about (and let's face it, I'm a good writer, so why let the talent go to waste?).  The second is merely principal; why should I have to guard my speech out of fear of offending a friend...?  Shouldn't they accept that we may have differing opinions?  God knows they have no trouble telling me theirs so why should I worry?  Because, I have tact.  That complex understanding of social situations that causes me to pause before going viral with my political, social, religious and personal opinions... *sigh*

But after careful consideration I'm just going to go balls out and see where it takes me.

Ever since high school I've been a believer in population control.  I know it sounds morally abhorrent, but really?  Most people aren't smart enough, or selfless enough, to stop and consider the impact of their biological reproduction on the world.  That's "someone elses" problem,  not theirs.  The funny thing is when you meet people that are concerned over their "carbon footprint" and make sure to recycle and drive a hybrid... and have a brood of children.  Did they ever stop to think that one of the best things they can do for the environment it to STOP having babies?

There is, of course, that other major scenario of people having babies upon babies that can't even afford the ones they have.  These groups usually just don't care.  They want babies and by god they're going to have them!  Unconditional love to replace the love they lacked as a child... yeah, I said it.  I fear these groups the most because not only are they creating beings to drain the planet, they're also creating beings to drain the system.  In a day and age when the economy (U.S. primarily) is in a state of chaos and we're aware that it's not going to get better any time soon... why the fuck are you adding to the strain?!  And then to complain about Obama and say that he'd better fix things asap?!  Fuck you.  Fuck you for opening your legs and contributing to the problem.  You know that adage "if you aren't part of the solution..."?  A big fat yup.

There are other groups, but those first two stand out as the top two for me.

The earth has a finite amount of space and resources.  We KNOW this.  We're faced with it every day by way of rising gas prices, food prices, cost of living over-all.  These are reflections of over-population more than they are a little bit of greed on the parts of politicians.  Blame them all you want, but we have more control over our way of life than we want to think we do; it's easier to blame someone else than it is to look inside ourselves for the answers.

For me anyone that has more than two children, one to replace each parent, is being socially irresponsible.  One would be preferable.  If the second pregnancy is multiples... okay, fair enough.  Or if you remarry and the new SO wants a child and doesn't have one, okay, we're still just replacing ourselves.  It's math, you dig?

We have one.  We may have another... but there's only a slim chance, and there's no way in hell we'd have more than that.  Aaron will get snipped once we've decided for certain.

There are other issues too.  How anyone can afford to send one child to college these days is a wonder, but five, six, seven children?  Or is there an expectation that they can receive FA?  In which case, why are you committing your child to a life of poverty in the first place?  If you're thinking on those terms what the hell are you doing having children?  This is knowingly bringing a child into a life of low-income status, with all it's stigmas and hardships, and also intentionally planning to use a system that is in place for people in need... but not with the understanding that you're going to purposefully PUT them in need so they can use it.  That's just retarded.  And socially callous.  And this is something I get very heated about.

And before you condemn me for my beliefs on this (I'm all about birth-control in the water supply) stop and think about this long and hard, evaluate your own reasons, research it, do the math, because even if you don't agree, you should at least be able to see the truth in facts of the  matter.

Mama Bear

I am a mother.  This will always be the first and foremost in my mind.  I love Jude more than I love anyone or anything else in the entire universe.  It's an all encompassing, unconditional, fill you until you burst, love without equal.  The thought of harm coming to him stops my heart and freezes my soul.

When you enter in a relationship and it becomes love you never stop to think that one day (if children are a probability) you will love someone even more than you love your partner.  But it will happen.  Unless you're wonky in the head, or unless you're never allowed to bond with your child (I could honestly see that being a valid issue),  your child becomes the end all be all.  The center of your universe.  If it came down to saving ten thousand people or saving your child, you'd pick your child.  In a rational conversation you might think you'd pick the whole over the one, but in reality?  We can't all be Jack Bauer.  Nope, emotion rules the day.  I want to say it's part of being human, but it's not, it'a the animal instinct in us.  I have had more than one mama bear moment in Jude's (slightly less than) mere three years on this planet.  And I do not apologize for this, even to his Papa.

I will trip you and let the zombies get you if it means my son survives.  And yes, I would sacrifice myself to save him too, so long as I knew someone else was there to care for him.  That's part of the dilemma people rarely stop to consider; if you sacrifice yourself who will care for your child?  Ah, yup, leaving the baby without help is just as idiotic as giving them up when you stop to think about the consequences.  It makes me think about the 2007 remake The Mist... the man shooting his son... living with that as he did?  Hell.  But doing it knowing that it's either that or letting them suffer?  I can't judge.  It's horrible, but not everything about being a parent it warm and fuzzy.  It's about doing what is in the child's best interest.

Sometimes that's hard to figure.  You have moments where you're not sure if sheltering your child is the best thing.  I honestly think that children are too sheltered these days. I think that "survival of the fittest" has fallen by the wayside thanks to bike helmets and super soft playground flooring.  That which is natural has been replaced and THAT'S why we're overpopulated.  I think nature will eventually correct itself and we're going to have a mass extermination to reclaim the balance... but that is neither here nor there.  Oh, and the desire to have so many damn children.  Sorry... I'm a two tops type of girl.  One to replace either of us when we go.  No more is needed.  In fact, these days even that is irresponsible, socially speaking.  But then, it's always "They should be the ones not reproducing, not us!" which is just a way of placating ourselves and covering our eyes by claiming that we have the right... vicious cycle.  Watch Idiocracy if you want some perspective on the issue.  Yup, I'm sort of militant in my beliefs on breeding.  I'm all for birth control in the water, have been since high school, sometimes you have to be harsh in order to save the world.  Warm and fuzzy doesn't cut it in this day and age.  Look at our current political climate and you'll see proof... unfortunately.

Anyway, back to our children and our need to protect them.  Yup, have no doubt that I place Jude's life above yours.  Fact.  As long as he doesn't turn into some murdering psycho (which really... if you've met Jude that's a HUGE stretch of the imagination) this will always be the case... at least I can surmise that.  I still take every day as it comes :)

Hm

I could never be a single parent.

Nope.

I mean, I suppose I'd figure it out if I HAD to, but I did my best to avoid that scenario on purpose.  I don't understand girls that sleep around and especially those that aren't smart about it.  Mistakes happen, but some people are just retarded and stack the deck against themselves.  The chances of a relationship that is less than a few years old (meaning you've had some time to test it) lasting through a pregnancy and the first two years of the child's life are slim to nil (and the younger you are the slimmer the chances).  The statistics exist, hell, just ask about half your friends these days, you're bound to know a good handful of single mothers personally.

I do not get down on my single parent friends.  In fact, for the most part, I admire them.  Not a one of them is overly thrilled at being a single parent (which means they acknowledge that they put themselves into a difficult situation, and has nothing to do with their love for their child) but have handled it well.  Of course, my friends are not the average trashy sluts you find that are the current majority of single mothers, so the foundation was far better to begin with.  Meaning, if they had a choice they know they would not have chosen to go into parenthood alone (or in a manner that was likely to end with them alone at some point or for any decent length of time).

I am not cut out for that.  Jude has taught me a TON of patience, something I've always lacked, but I still do not have the reserves it would take to be without a partner in crime.  Even so, I have weeks where Aaron is working a bunch, rehearsing a bunch, playing shows and going to shows a bunch and I'm left with extremely little help... I want to cry, throw things, lock the kid in his room and trash Aaron's personal possessions out of sheer frustration and lack of assistance.  I have self-control and usually just resort to letting the TV babysit Jude so I can get some down time, or imbibing a few glasses of wine once he's out for the night... or asking Marko to come rescue me (for those that don't know, Marko is my Godfather and one of my best friends).  Sometimes just having another adult around to talk to and to help occupy Jude for a bit is a lifesaver.

Why is this on my mind?  I'm not entirely sure.

Toddler-ese

It's weird to think that we were once concerned over Jude's speech because around 16-18 months he seemed behind his friends.  Not by a great deal, and there was never a doubt about comprehension, in fact he picked up sign language nice and early and used that a bunch at first.  It was just enough to make me wonder as a normally concerned parent.  Of course, by two he'd caught up so now I have a very well spoken and capable little guy on my hands.

While at the store today, while him and I were conversing, another mother with a one year old asked me how old he was.  I told her he'll be three in September and she was surprised.  She commented on how clear his speech is and how she thought he was older.  She did admit that since she only has the one year old she doesn't really know when to expect these things, but still.  It made me smile.

Here is my advice on speech and young children.  First off, always talk to them in a manner you wish them to emulate.  If you baby talk, they hear baby talk, they'll likely pick up baby talk.  I never shy away from using big words with Jude, even when he was an infant.  If he doesn't understand what the word means he'll ask me, or he'll infer the general idea from the context of the sentence.  Yup, toddlers are more than capable of doing that.  I think people, especially Americans, have a tendency to underestimate their children.  It's in those first years where speech is developed that they have the most potential to learn variations in it.  Their little sponge like minds just absorb it like water.  We've been told it's the best time to introduce multiple languages even, and that doesn't even mean having them learn it per se, it means just getting their brain use to hearing it.  Think of it as flipping the switch from off to on.  If it's never switched on the brain will prune that area, like so much unused wiring.  If it's on, however, the brain recognizes that it's useful and leaves it there making the ability to learn languages later in life far easier.  I believe I was first introduced to that concept in Psych 101... pretty sure.

Language is like anything else with children, they learn the best through example and through practical application.  My little boy has been known to say things like "You'll not change my mind, Momma."  or  "That's ridiculous!" (as opposed to "silly" or "funny").  He expands upon his feelings so rather than just saying "I like that" it's "I like that so much!" or "I really like that!"  He doesn't just ask for a chip he tells me "I would like yellow chips in a blue bowl" using descriptive words so that he gets exactly what he wants with no question or confusion.  It's amazing and wonderful to me the kinds of conversations you can have with him now.  Blows my mind.

Second, don't hesitate to ask your doctor if there is concern with speech.  Speech is something that is strongly tied into other areas of development and can be the first warning sign for more serious disorders, like Autism. Early detection is so important and can really help expedite progress in social and emotional development.  It could also be a sign of other physical problems.  Better safe than sorry.

There really isn't much more to it than that.  Expect maybe reading to your child and restricting TV watching.  Some seem to think that TV helps with speech... don't buy that bullshit.  A TV can't hold a candle to a responsive parents.

Oh, and there is a difference with learning to read and talking.  Speech and letter recognition are not the same thing.  I know a few bright toddlers that knew their letters by sight at age two (or before), and that's great, but it's not a replacement for speech.  I've never really flash carded or anything like that with Jude, not with any regularity or dedication, but he's almost three and knows his alphabet and most letters by sight.  He figured out that last part in a manner of weeks.  Sometimes it's just a matter of when they're ready, they're ready and things click.  I'm not at all concerned with having Jude know how to read before Kindergarten, I am glad to know that he'll be able to express himself verbally with other children and adults in a clear and concise manner.  I can't begin to describe how wonderfully less stressful life is when I KNOW what my child wants or needs and I'm not guessing at it.  He's much less frustrated so I am too.

On that note, I'm not being negative against the teaching them to read young, on the contrary, it's just not my top priority with Jude.

Oh yeah, almost forgot.  "Feeling" words!  That's the importance of teaching children words that describe how they're feeling.  Getting them acquainted with the subtle differences from things like angry to annoyed.  Also making sure to include "happy" words which for some reason we tend to leave out: thrilled, overjoyed, content, relaxed, giddy, etc. build up their repertoire!  Consider them tools, even arsenal, and when you send them out into the world you want them as prepared as possible.  Our ability to successfully communicate with others is (more or less) directly related to our success in life as a whole and gives us a much greater chance of being happy.  So when you're frustrated, tell your child that, don't just say you're mad.  When you're excited, pleased, delighted, pleasantly surprised, satisfied, discouraged, despondent, melancholy, glum, irate, furious, vexed, exasperated, aggravated, riled up, tense, astonished, or just plain silly, use those words, don't dumb it down.