No Doormat

My goodness my blog seems to be popular... *grins*

So, my child has upped the bar recently and it's an interesting development.  I'm not sure what brought it on, or if it was merely a combination of circumstances (which is more likely) but I'm glad for it.  I've mentioned before that Jude is a reserved child with other children.  He avoids rough housing with them (but he'll wrestle us like a pro) and tends to choose his friends very carefully.  He's friendly, don't get me wrong, if there's another kid his age around he'll usually attempt to strike up a conversation (which consists of "I'm Jude Price, Iron Man!" as of late) or try to play, but he gets overwhelmed if they're too in your face and he'll back off.

Well Sunday we went with Aaron's family to Maris Farms (Pumpkin Patch) and Jude's cousin Ayden was along.  The boys usually don't get a chance to interact much outside of Tutu and Pap-pap's home so this was sort of a new scenario for them.  Jude isn't shy.  He may be for like ten mins if someone approaches him directly, but for the most part he'll go on about his business despite strangers being present.  He doesn't like to be physically crowded, mind you, but he's the same child out and about that he is at home, there's not much deviation.  Ayden, on the other hand, is more reserved, which I've sort of noticed in general, but like I said, we usually see him in an environment where he's comfortable so it's not that pronounced.  At Tutu and Pap-pap's home (grandma and grandpa Price) Ayden typically dominates the play and Jude follows suit.  They play well together, and when I say dominate I don't mean bully type of dominate, I just mean that Ayden likes to take the lead and so long as it's pleasing to Jude, he'll go along with it.

When in a public place though, apparently this changes a great deal.  Bear in mind that this was only one scenario, so I can only really speak for Jude on this, and that's what I'm noting; his change, which I'll get to.

Ayden's behavior wasn't surprising, like I said he's always been a bit more reserved by nature, and his life is a little less stable so it makes sense that he would be so (again, not a judgement, just an observation).  Jude is more... I want to say childlike, carefree, young soul vs. old soul type of thing.  If you knew the boys, you'd get what I'm saying.  Anyway, while at the farm Jude was just Jude.  Running around, yelling, playing, getting into things, talking up a freakin' storm, and Ayden kept to himself but for a few instances where he seemed more comfortable, like when doing something he was use to (i.e. sliding down the slide, jumping around on the bouncy pillow).  I mention these because I think that this played into Jude's change toward Ayden, whcih I'm getting to, I just want to explain myself clearly is all.

Later we all went out for pizza at Farelli's.  It wasn't very crowded so the boys were able to play a bit after diner.  They were both given balloons and preceded to have a balloon fight.  Here's what was surprising; Jude kept backing Ayden up against the wall with during this (naturally he'd be told to back off a bit and give him room).  Based on what I've mentioned previously, this was surprising to both Aaron and I.  This was the first real show of aggression we've seen in Jude.  Not that I want my child to be aggressive, but we have been trying to instill in him a need to be assertive so this was actually something we were glad to see.  It was harmless, there was never any worry over him harming his cousin and Ayden would let him know when he'd had enough so Jude was getting a lesson in "Hey, he's asking you to stop, that means stop" (or something to that effect).  It all made me sort of hopeful that he won't actually be a doormat to other children (a serious concern for me, the only real one honestly).  Of course, with a three year old it's a fun time teaching him when to back off and when backing down is also important, but that's an over-time, keep at it, kind of thing.

Photographers Assistant

Jude is amazing.  Have I mentioned that lately?  I had to take him on a shoot today (not that it was far away, it was just out our back door) and he not only behaved himself really well but actually helped.  My little boy is turning into my little photographers assistant.  How perfectly wonderful is that?!  It won't be long before he's figuring out how to hold a reflector and bounce light.  Gah, he's my perfect little mister.

American Dreams

Man, I HATE how life and it's necessities can create such painful circumstances.  Watching Jude go through the denial of his fathers time because of work... it makes me want to find a way to move overseas.  To create a life in a country where work isn't everything.

Today while playing at the park, in the middle of all the fun and play... Jude runs over to a platform, sits himself down, and frowns.  I walk over, squat down in front of him and before I can even ask what's wrong he tells me "I miss Papa."

...

God that broke my heart.

Why?  Why do we live to work?  To make money?  To need THINGS?  Other countries aren't nearly as product driven as we are.  They live to enjoy life, which centers on their families and their time with them, not on the cars they drive, the clothes they wear, the movies, the stuff... the crap we accumulate.

I dream of a life in Tuscany... working the land and living with my family and the enjoyment of a life together... I hate the American Dream.  I really fucking do.  It's such a shallow, stupid dream... *sigh*

Team Price

It's weird how fall means that I spend much of my time as a single mother.  Aaron works 15-18 hour days, seven days a week, some night not even making it home at all.  He works for a company that makes high end aluminum hulled boats for clients like the military, coast guard, and the FDNY (yeah, I'm a little proud of him and his work).  His work hits proposal season and is super busy drafting new boats and proposals to win bids for the newest requests worth a lot of money.  More than that I don't care to tell, suffice it to say very busy.

Now, this is interesting because it actually alters my relationship with Jude for a few months out of the year.  Naturally he doesn't like that Papa is gone so much.  In fact, it is a direct cause of his acting out more this time of year.  He becomes harder to handle, especially for Aaron, because he takes his anger out on him.  For me it means he may be a bit more pouty but due to our general relationship he still minds me.  On the other end of that is that him and I become a team.  It becomes Jude and I against the world!  We try to make boring things fun.  We try to go on adventures and try new things together.  And I can usually talk him out of the grumps by reminding him that this won't last but while it does him and I need to work together to make it through.  With this fall I'm in classes, which makes things a bit trickier, and I can tell you I will not be attempting classes in the fall again.  I'll stick to Winter and Spring quarters, or one class in the fall maybe.

Anyway, I digress.

Tomorrow him and I will hop the bus and head to the Tacoma Art Museum for a change of scene, and maybe stop at some cafe down town for a snack.  We'll enjoy some art and get some exercise and just spend time being Mama and Jude, Team Price, in search of adventure and knowledge and fun.

Gratitude

I'm having one of those super grateful moments.  I get those a lot since having Jude.  A child really does have a huge impact on your perspective (well, if you're open to it anyway).

My son has a home, which includes heat, and running water, and his own room.  He has food to eat, good food, tasty food.  He has clothes, lots of them, and they're clean and they fit.  He has toys, sometimes I think he has too many of those.  He has parents that love him, and who love each other, something that is sadly more rare than we want to realize.  He see affection daily, both to him and between his parents.  He is healthy, in body and mind.  He has extended family that adores him.  He has family friends that adore him.  He has friends and playmates.  Essentially, he wants for nothing.

For someone that was raised on a welfare lifestyle this amounts to so much in my eyes.  The simply fact that he own a battery operated four-wheeler... I could only dream of such a thing as a child.  Not that I wasn't fed, but it was often less than appetizing, as those that have frequented food-banks and Beehive Industry store houses know.  Hand me down clothes can be depressing when you have only older brothers, and Value Village wasn't nearly as cool as it is now.  Love was there, but it was complicated due to untreated mental illness and repressed emotions.  I'm don't blame anyone for these things, they simply are what they are, and I know my parents tried.  They did want the best for us despite not always being able to provide it, and that does count.  However, I'm so glad we can give our boy more, and I believe my appreciation for these things constantly reminds me to teach Jude the importance of gratitude.

On that note, Jude now even says thank you after declining something.  He started off say "No, please." on his own so we had to swap that out for "No, thank you."  Of course, it's easy for him to pick up these things since it's reinforced through our us of it all the time.  Example folks, I swear by it.

Spanking, yeah, I went there.

Soooooo, I got into an argument about spanking.  Yup.  Totally did.

You see, I don't believe in spanking.  Does that mean I'm going to jump all over you if you have swatted your child a few times over the course of their lives?  No.  Number one, there must be a distinction set up between those that have occasionally resorted to this method of discipline and those that use it as a regular tool.  Why people feel the need to compare a person that's used spanking twice and one that uses it weekly if not daily I will never understand.

Does that mean that I think that every child that is spanked is going to grow up to be a sex offender or murder?  Don't be an idiot, of course I don't.

Does this mean that I think it should be outlawed?  Well, maybe... simply because people aren't smart enough to educate themselves on the real effects, the possible effects (which, I don't know about you, but when it comes to my child, "possibly" is too close to "will" for comfort), and more importantly WHAT IS LIKELY TO WORK BETTER.

It's that last one that gets me.  "I was spanked and I turned out fine."  Oh yeah, who are you?  Is your life so great that you can tell me it worked so well as to make you a better person?  Because that's what parenting comes down to.  It's not about not messing up your kids (although that's better than doing so), it's about helping them to be the best people they can be.  So simply telling me you turned out fine is by no means proof that spanking is a good method.  Second off... how  many things have we discovered over the years that our parents did are actually BAD for us.  Like smoking while pregnant?  Use to be they thought it was good because it provided low birth weight so labor would go more smoothly.  And now we know that it deprives the fetus of oxygen and nutrients.  What about car-seats?  Have you seen the ones from the 70's?  They don't look like they would protect a fly in a car wreak.  See where I'm going with this?

You, as a parent, have a duty to your child (because you brought them into this world, so own up) not to simply follow the herd and do what has been done.  You have a duty to teach them, not just discipline them.

Spanking is reactive.  Parenting should not be.  Parenting should be active.

I've spoken of this before, the whole "instead" method, so I'm only going to touch upon the basics of it now.  The times I've witnessed spanking, and when I hear it talked about, I've never seen or heard actual active parenting.  It goes like this: Child makes a mess, child is asked to clean up, doesn't, gets spanked, the end.  Often times that second step isn't even in there but I'm trying to give the benefit of the doubt.  No attempt to tell the child why the mess is a problem.  No attempt to tell them why cleaning up is necessary.  When/if they refuse, no attempt to tell them, explain to them, why that behavior is unacceptable... etc.  See the difference?  When a child acts out of turn, acts out, throws a tantrum, there is no attempt to teach them anything about problem solving except to hit them and therefore teach them fear and violent action.  Think of how confusing that is to a toddler.

Also, spanking is reacting to a negative behavior rather than trying to prevent it.  And it teaches kids the problem is getting caught, not the behavior itself.  YOU become the problem in their minds, not the behavior.  No, seriously.  You think of it from an adult perspective, but children simply don't make connections the same way we do, their brains are still growing and wiring themselves.  It's not the same thing to them.

Whew, I'm actually running out of steam, and I have a great big pot of coffee calling my name, so I'll end with this: you owe it to your child to try more useful and positive methods of "discipline" and to teach them rather than punish them.  Boundaries are great, but you don't need to set the field with land mines when a simple fence will do.

I Love You

How often do you tell your child that you  love them?  I'm curious as to what the average is for something like that.  I mean, I know that I'd fall above the average for the simple fact that there are a ton of parents out there that don't say it often enough and that would pull the average down... but I wonder how far.

I say it to Jude... 20 times before lunch I'd estimate, easily.  I just look at him, or he says something, and the sentiment just bursts out of me.  I can't help it.  My mother taught me to always tell those I love that I do indeed love them.  Never rely on mere actions, always use words as well (notice the "as well"?  Yeah, actions are still very important in the deal).  She wasn't told it often enough so she made sure we knew it's importance.  "Me too" and "Ditto" do NOT count either.  That's a cop out used by people that don't have the balls to own up and use the real words, or are too lazy to do so, either way, it's not acceptable.

Growing up though I discovered the other side to this sword of truth; NEVER use it when you don't mean it.  See, it's twofold.  So Jude will be raised with both aspects of that sentiment easily understandable.  He hears it ALL the time, and he never balks at it.  He'll say it back or he'll go "Awwwww" and hug us, or give us a kiss.  I don't want him to feel it's a requirement that he always reply with the same, only when he means it.  Besides, I never say it expecting it back, I say it because I just mean it and feel it at that moment (well, every moment really).  I also don't simply say "I love you", I also say things like "I love being your Mama," or "I'm so glad you're my son," and "I'm such a lucky Mama." It means the same thing, only a little more specific.

So, how many times a day do let your child know you love them?  In words and actions?

Just Do It

I do not understand why people lie about stupid shit.  Especially when the truth has such a great chance of being discovered (yeah, so much of that going on today).  Lying about things that your child says or does or accomplishes when they know that the lack of that behavior will be noticed is retarded.  Yes, retarded.  And I'm not talking about natural motherly inflation based on love and pride; a healthy dose of that is to be expected.  I'm talking about out right lies, retarded, idiotic, doesn't even matter in the long run crap.  I'm not saying this out of anger, or frustration, I'm saying this out of pure bafflement.  I don't get it.  I'm a logical person, I'm almost overly analytical, so behavior of this nature from others actually makes me wonder at their sanity.



Definition of SANE

1

: proceeding from a sound mind : rational

2

: mentally sound; especially : able to anticipate and appraise the effect of one's actions

Definition of RATIONAL

1

a : having reason or understandingb : relating to, based on, or agreeable to reason : reasonable<a rational explanation> <rational behavior>

See, sane, rational = not coo coo nut balls.  Lacking in sanity and rationale?  Get help.  Like a Nike ad, Just Do It!