Summer, where are you?

We actually managed two more days of summer this past week.  Which makes the grand total somewhere in the six-seven day range.  It's pretty much been poopy in WA so far and it's a huge bummer.  I was looking forward to getting out more with Jude and spending more time at the pool.  We've been able to go swimming once, that's it.  Super bummer.

Saturday we visited with my brother and his family.  The only downside to the whole trip was the hours upon hours spent in the car with my mother.  I love the lady dearly, but being stuck in a small car with her from 10 a.m. until 10 p.m. was more than even I could handle.  It's like having the subtitles on, or a sports commentator in the car.  "Did you see that house?"  "Look at that car!"  "What kind of flower do you think that is?" along with an endless tirade of statements of the obvious and non-sequiturs that leave you questioning your own sanity.  Not road trip material.

Despite that it was good seeing my brother, seeing them all.  There's a hint of sadness there still, but I was really glad to see how well they're all coping with their recent tragedy.  I needed to see for myself that they are ok (and just ok, I don't expect the grief to leave for some time yet, if ever).

The other upside was getting to take Jude on a ferry.  He thought that was pretty cool.  And watching him play with his cousin Piper.  Jude seems to prefer interacting with girls as a whole.  They're less aggressive by nature so there's less conflict for Jude.

 

 Luckily we have vacation coming up, which means OR, which means a way better chance of getting some SUN.  We cherish it here since we only get a couple of months of it and this year has been a bit on the depressing side.  Jude keeps asking to go swimming and I feel bad that we haven't had many opportunities to take him.  He had such a blast the last time I took him down.

Riddle Me This

 

I don't often start off a post with a picture, but this is what I found in my bed this evening.  I don't mean to imply that I wasn't expecting it, I put him there, but it's not something I see every day so it's a sweet treat.

We don't co-sleep.  Never have.  I am not in favor of any sleeping arrangement that means that one or more parties involved won't actually get any decent sleep (honestly, I'm in favor of reverting to the old ways of separate wings of the house for everyone).  I'm not against co-sleeping, per se, I'm just against it if it means no one sleeps well.  Which, from what I hear talked about, involves 80-90% of those I know that co-sleep.

So why do it?

I understand the allure, especially for mothers.  We always sort of wish we could absorb our babies back into ourselves.  This incessant need to surround them, protect them, very nearly smother them with out love and devotion.  I suppose for fathers there could also be the need to be close in a way that competes with the closeness us mothers have.  After-all, they can never know what it's like to actually carry that other little person inside of them.  I think for single parents there may be an even greater draw, since maybe they don't see the child as often and want to soak in every minute of it, or a sense of camaraderie that comes if the other parent isn't involved at all (you and me against the world, etc).  And they are so darn cuddly looking, our babies...

But I still don't get it.  I will occasionally nap with Jude, a few hours, no problem.  And I think I once slept a whole night through with him in bed with me (and just me, so there was room to spare), but for the most part any time I try to let him sleep with me I end up moving him to his bed after only a few hours.  Can't take the twitching, the smacks in the face, the feet in my stomach.  I need my sleep.  I'm a royal bitch if I don't get it.  I will literally feel like I have the flu if I haven't slept well.  I'll be nauseous, I'll get a headache, I'll get light-headed and feel achy and I'll have no patience to speak of.  I NEED sleep.  Like I need air to breath.  Maybe I'm more sensitive than most... yeah, probably.  I'm also an insomniac who needs meds to sleep at all... so there's a very clear connection I think.  I treasure my sleep.

As an itty bitty he slept in a bassinet next to our bed.  Once he was big enough to start trying to pull himself upright in it he landed in the crib in his room.  From there it was a short trip to the toddler bed... a super easy and gratifying transition.  In fact, he slept better once in it.  He doesn't even try to get out of it.  He'll stay in it until he's given the ok to get up (although he will try his best to convince us he should be allowed to stay up later).  Lately, and I think this is tied largely into his father being gone more with band practice and shows (summer apparently means more of this and less family time... which I was actually looking forward too since I didn't have to work or take classes this summer... but whatever) he's been more clingy and needy and I've found myself putting him in "the big bed" to fall asleep and then transferring him into his bed.

Still though, I see posts on FB all the time from my co-sleeping friends about how they can't sleep, can't get enough sleep, looking tired all the time.  I've watched friends and family alike nod off mid-conversation because they're tired as all get out... and they still keep the babies in bed with them!  I don't get it.  I really don't.  I spend pretty much all day, every day, with my boy.  I love him.  I love him so much it hurts sometimes... but he has his own bed.  We BOTH sleep better (yes, totally convinced his does too) if he's in his.

It's sort of a "riddle me this" scenario as far as I can see...

Holy Super Cake Pop Maker!

A brief respite from parenting woes.

I made cake-pops for a friends kids birthday party (three kiddos, one party).  I learned some very important lessons this time around.  1) Overheated Chocolate doesn't look like what you would think it does so it's hard to know what it is if you've never come across it before.  I now know how to spot and fix it.  2) if you leave the cake-pops in the freezer for too long and you don't coat them the min they come out, they will start to "sweat" which in turn will "seize" your chocolate.  You can not save "seized" chocolate.  You must either live with it being speckled or trash it and start over.  3) Pretty sure I don't want to make two batches at the same time ever again.  I may change my mind about that at a later date, but right now, not happening.

I made owls again... although they fought me and were where I learned my hard lessons so there weren't as many.  I also made Monkey's, which turned out great!

 

Regular ones.

 I gave two of them mow-hawks for the Birthday boys.

 

I also did simple ones with sprinkles to fill out the batch.  You can spot the owl with the bow that was made for the Birthday girl :)

It's okay, you can admit it, you have cake-pop envy, huh?  I hear there are support groups that can help you with that ;)

Birth Control

So, to continue on the subject of the last post... which is really just a continuation of other past posts... since most of my posts revolve around my issues with other parents and their lack of understanding... because let's face it, most people have no idea how to really parent...

Anyway, I've been a bit riled up lately due to watching others lose children, or having a very difficult time getting pregnant, not being able to at all, while others seem to have no issue but don't really grasp the totality of the gift and responsibility they are given.  This isn't aimed at anyone specific, we (the general "we") run into parents that make us cringe every day (assuming you get out of the house at least once a day).  Walk into any supermarket or department store... or heaven forbid, the mall, and you'll see some kid acting way out of turn and a parent either not paying attention or not caring.  Work in customer service and you'll get far more than a taste and you'll swear you'll never have kids yourself.

I digress.

I'm not a religious person.  I might call myself spiritual, I do harbor beliefs in "something" I'm just not sure exactly what that is.  It's not religion though, and it will never be.  I believe that the teachings of many great people have been twisted by man (in general) and that when you organize it all it becomes hypocritical and scary.  I know that some need religion... it seems to help some, and fair enough, just count me out.  When it comes to children I don't see them as a gift from "God" but I do consider them precious responsibilities.  When you look at it, even on a non-spiritual level, you're holding in your hands the ability to shape the future of the world.  All children grow up to be adults (death aside) and those adults will have control of things.  Even if it simply means they will be another vote in the booth, it's something.  And if you raise them right, they'll have an even greater chance to have an even greater impact.

That's huge.

That's why I get so upset at sloppy parents.  They shirk a responsibility they don't even care to contemplate.

I wouldn't have any problem with birth control in the water supply.

Love Is Not Enough

You know what annoys me?  Hearing people say "oh, but having a kid has changed them!  They're so good with their son/daughter!"  Really?  Because in most cases where that statement is made all I see is the ability to act like a child, which naturally little kids love, so of course they get along famously.

But what else have they done?  Have they made any attempt to really provide for that child?  Have they gone back to school, gotten a better job, become a truly better person for the sake of their child?  Or have they really just remained the same and are just found on the floor playing with blocks a little more often than they did before?

Do they think about the child's schooling?  Their college?  How about their future happiness?  Do they watch their own actions more closely?  Knowing that they are the biggest influence their child will have?  Are they being the person they want their child to believe them to be?!


No, seriously, really take a look at the whole picture because in my experience (and that's been great seeing as how I've known a lot of teen parents in my day and more than one dead beat dad to a friends kids), "Oh, but they're so good with them!" translates into, "Oh, but at least they're good with them!" because there's nothing else to say.  And I think too many parents lean on that thought, along with "I love them so much," as an excuse not to pay attention to everything else that's lacking.  Loving your child is only a fraction of the equation, and it is not nearly enough to rely on.  Cats in the Cradle told us that story, so do a million other songs and movies and poems out there.  We have an extensive pool of examples to draw from so there's no excuses at this stage in our evolution for us to turn a blind eye to our own faults as a person where our kids are concerned.  There are also a ton of websites and programs dedicated to teaching parents this fact.  Google "raising a child, love is not enough" or something like that, see what you come up with.  It's a hot button.

Parent your child, don't just play with them.

Wha ha ha

I have a hard time balancing my judgmental personality with my my desire not to come across as a bitch....

As a parent, this is especially hard.  Not because I want to be liked, but rather because I honestly want to give people good advice and not have them turned off by any lingering cattiness.  I want to share with them what has worked for me, but I also understand that when it comes to specifics every child is different so parenting has to be tailored to the child (to a certain extent...) and you can't expect every child to react the same to situations.  There are universal truths that when parents fail, they, well, fail, but I'm not Nazi about it all and can see the variations.

I truly hope that any parent I interact with, specifically friends and family, know that I am not trying to demean them.  If, IF, I think that there is room for improvement in parenting it's typically because I feel I've benefited from education where they have not, not because I feel I'm inherently a better parent.  I've stated this before; I know that I would not be as good a parent as I am had I had a child 10 years ago.  I would not have nearly the education nor the experience I have now which I believe has made me as capable as I am.  Period.  This is why I encourage waiting to have a child AND taking full advantage of the education system.  Even if your certification doesn't call for it, take developmental psyche, or a childhood development class, or a child guidance class.  Take it all.  Why not?  If you plan to have a child, educate yourself!  If you can't  take classes, read, study, ask questions, ask other parents.

There is nothing more important than the raising of your child.  Everything we are as a species depends on their success.  From the small scale of their happiness to the large scale of their ability to perfect space travel and find a cure for cancer; all of that is dependent on how we raise them, and who we raise them to be.

I've recently come up against the issue of book smarts vs people smarts.  What is more important to you?  I use to think it was having a baby that could read... but more and more I'm beginning to think that that is the least of my concerns.  I have a (almost) three year old that can say his alphabet, can recognize a few written words and some letters.  He can count to 20, usually, and appears to know some of his numbers on site.  He can do a jigsaw puzzle like nobody's business (which I'm so happy about, we can be puzzle pals when he gets older).  But really, I'm not concerned.  I know he's smart, likely ahead of the curve, definitely not behind it, and he's coming from good stock.  I don't fear for his academic success, but more importantly, I don't fear for his social success.

There are things I can spot as weaknesses, things that will have to be addressed and cultivated.  Jude has the tendency to expect people to act like he does, so when another child is overly aggressive he just kind of gives a "what the fuck?!" attitude and look at me like "Mom, did you just see that?".  We have found the need to work with him on being assertive and not letting other kids push him around (making sure to point out the HUGE difference between aggression and assertion).  This is likely a trait he will always have to be aware of and calculate for.  If that's the least of his worries I feel pretty good about it.  Because frankly, Jude is the type of kid that other people like.  By nature, he's a good kid, a kind kid, a smart kid, and a pretty boy (which helps, let's not lie about the issue).  He's got the decked stacked in his favor.

I guess... what brings me here...is an attempt to educate and point out societal failures in child rearing, NOT to point out specific faults in people I know.  I truly hope no one takes this as such.

Unless I dislike you.  Then fuck you, this is very likely about you.

Safety 1st

Childproofing your home.  Did you do it?  We didn't.  Oh, we put the locks on the cabinets that lead to the bleach, and when Jude was super small we had a gate to keep him away from the cat litter (although that lasted for a very short time if I recall correctly), oh, and the cheap Ikea shelf is firmly attached to the wall, but we never "childproofed" the apt.  We thought it would better serve Jude if he learned what he was allowed to touch and play with first thing rather than just removing all those things or placing them up higher.  Safety is important, but there is a line you don't have to cross, despite what all parenting websites will tell you (toilet lock?  Just close the damn door).

We got this idea from our friend Mel.  Her son, at the age of about 2-3 was able to enter another persons home, one that wasn't childproofed, and be able to safely and peacefully exist within it.  Ding, ding, ding!  Yup, Aaron and I both agreed that we liked that idea.

We said "no, no touch," or "that's not a toy, it's a pretty" a lot in the beginning, and we've had to deal with a few losses or slight damages, but really?  Nothing serious.  Jude has been able to visit other people's homes for some time and require little if no intervention.  Now that he's nearly three he'll often even ask before trying to touch something and you can just tell him no, that's not a toy, etc.  I can leave my camera where he can get to it and he won't touch it.  Our tv is down low and he doesn't fuss with it (aside from knowing how to turn it on, and the x-box... and get out a dvd and put it in and start it up... etc).  I can take him into someone elses home and he won't start messing with the computer, or house plants, or decorations.  I love it.  I highly recommend this approach.  In the long run there is for more benefit and less worry.  And your friends won't have to scramble to put all the valuables up high when you come to visit.

Happy 4th of July!

Freedom is nothing but a chance to be better. - Albert Camus

 

 

Perfection. 

In other news, Jude was told today, for the first time, by a very lovely little lady, that he could lay down with her if he wanted to.  My little boy is a stud.