This is going to require a back story, I will do my best to keep it brief.
My eldest brother Shane is 6 years my senior, he was a very happy child from what I understand, but somewhere in his early teens things started to go sour. He became aggressive (like pulling knifes on people), confrontational about weird things (like things that never happened), and moody. He started pulling away from everyone at the same time, spending a lot of time in his room by himself. He started lying (or at least in reality they were lies, in his head I'm pretty sure most of it was the truth to him) and blaming everything on everyone else. So the doctors visits started happening, then the shrink visits, after many of these he was diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia. Now remember, this was the late 80's early 90's and so treatment was still relatively new (history of Schizophrenia) in the grand scheme of things. He was put on multiple medications, anti-depressants as well as anti-psychotics and things got noticeably better... for a time.
Here's the problem with diseases of this type, they are often victims of two major pitfalls. The first is the "Oh, I feel better now, that means I can stop taking my meds!" line of thinking. Dangerous because you can not cure schizophrenia, at this point we can only attempt to treat the symptoms. The second is the "Wait a second... those doctors... are they.... are they trying to control me?!" line of thinking. This one is common thanks to the paranoia linked with the diagnosis. The govt is trying to control them, use them as a weapon, gather intelligence... yeah. So they stop taking the meds and it's back on to the crazy train!
This is what happened with my brother. He would go on them for a while, then he'd stop, then back on, then off, until he was old enough that my parents no longer had a say and then it was off for good (as far as I know, and I think it's a safe bet). Eventually this led to some estrangement in his 20's, sort of dropped out of communication, would surface from time to time. We kept our distance because, as anyone that has dealt with this type of situation can attest, there is only so much you can do to help before you have to step back and just let people live with own life.
Okay, so during this time my mother was also diagnosed with Schizophrenia. With her it's been a totally different ride. She's stayed medicated from the time she was diagnosed and has even been proactive in helping people to understand the disorder. She's a rare case. She's also not paranoid, which helps. Her voices use to tell her to hurt herself, not to hurt others, for lack of the time to describe that is detail. So, now we know that mom's got it, we know it's genetic, ta-da!
Around about two years after that Shane contacts me via e-mail, letting me know that he is gay, transgender but pre-op, and would I please fill mom in... not exactly the position that I wanted to be put into. Now, let me clarify, it wasn't that he was gay, or even transgender, although leaving it to me to break that to my mother (who you have to understand at that time was still fairly deep into the Mormon religion but has since relaxed many of her views)... that was kind of a dick move. But that's not the issue either, its the fact that he's crazy, like scary crazy, like verbally abusive crazy, like tormentor of my childhood crazy. Anyway, let her know, she wasn't so concerned about that as she was about his general well being.
Fast forward a few more years, he shows up needing a place to stay... and pretty much everything else; food, cigarettes etc. My mother took him in, and due to her guilt over his mental state being genetic and therefor in her mind her fault, let him walk all over her, verbally abuse her, and would apologize for it all.
We all moved to WA from ID that summer (2001). My mother and I had a place to stay while we found our own place, but Shane (going by Kristina, on estrogen but pre-op still, I'm just trying to keep it less confusing by calling him by his given name and a him instead of a her. No disrespect, just keeping it simple) was not welcome. Again, you have to understand this is not because of the gender thing, it's because those that have known him since youth all know how crazy he can be. No one wants someone that can flip out and pull a knife on you in their home or around their family. He may not have done that in years, but it doesn't matter, once it's done it's done and the fear it generates remains.
Now, due to that my mother chose to stay with Shane, living out of her SUV with him rather than leave him and enter a home that welcomed her... seriously. I'm not sure exactly how it happened but at one point Shane got taken up to Seattle...? I can't recall the details. I think he found a friend or something. Anyway, at that point my other brother and I moved our mother into a new place and did not inform Shane of any details. We weren't going to watch her suffer anymore, to allow herself to be punished for something that was never within her control. Done and done.
Now, I randomly search for Shane from time to time, mostly to make sure he's still a live, keep the family updated, that type of thing. I did this yesterday and I discovered that he has discovered video blogging. Whoa.
I have never gotten that vibe from my father. Is it possible? I suppose anything is. I can't read his thoughts so I can't say with 100% certainty. Would it matter? No, I'd be one of those people that would simply use it to show people that hey, gay parent, turned out fine. But again, I've never gotten that vibe from my dad so it totally threw me for a loop and I had to click the video.
... Dude is delusional. His view of our childhood, of our parents during our childhood, is seriously out in left field. Now, don't get me wrong, I love my dad, I think I love him now more than I did as a child because now I understand where he was coming from. My father was raised by a man that was seriously damaged. My grandfather is an asshole. He's the "boys don't cry," "don't be a pussy," "it's a good thing your mother died when she did because I was going to divorce her anyway," asshole. Yeah, he said that, at her funeral. You can imagine what that would do to a boy that is naturally more sensitive, it's a recipe for an emotionally closed off, passive, introvert. My father. He's relaxed over the years, but I can honestly say I've never seen my father cry. Ever.
Mix that with a wife that was an un-diagnosed Schizophrenic during the entire marriage... you've got a pretty beat down man. He stood quiet and bared all that without complaint, and I respect him for it, he did his best and I can't fault him for the failure of my parents marriage. The disease is to blame, not either of my parents, they did their best.
Now, on top of that view he has of my father he also seems to think that our mother has a horrible person. And THAT makes me want to punch him in the face. That makes me want to write him a scathing letter... but I'll blog it instead.
Dear Shane/Kristina,
You have absolutely no idea the sacrifices our mother made for us. You have no idea the unconditional love she bares all her children. If it were conditional she wouldn't still ask me if I've heard from you. She wouldn't get choked up when I tell her you seem to be doing alright (i.e. alive, fed and clothed, access to comforts etc) and wouldn't thank me for checking up on you and letting her know. She wouldn't continue to love you despite the vile things you've said to her. You talk about unconditional love but you don't practice it. What does that make you? A fucking hypocrite. The very thing I'm guessing over half your video blogs are nay-saying. You talk about acceptance and love and peace, but you're so angry and judgmental that you're defeating the very purpose of your message. Don't you see that? You put others down but call them bigots if they do the same to you... you haven't changed at all since childhood. It's the same BS you pulled then, it's the reason I grew up hating you. You were so mean, so angry, so fucking scary. Do you recall that I was never allowed to be home alone with you?! I always had to have Michael around, which is why when he went to hang out with his friends he took me, his baby sister, along with him. And he never complained about it. Now that's a good big brother.
Mother was an undiagnosed, unmedicated, Schizophrenic, and you know what? She never so much as raised a hand to us. She flew off the handle from time to time, and she'd break shit, but if you recall it wasn't our shit, it was always her own shit. The worst we got was if we didn't pick up our stuff we'd come home to it out on the lawn. Big deal. Know what else? Mother suffers from a slew of physical disorders that cause her pain, even back then. They use to think much of it was "in her head" they now call it Fibromyalgia and Lupus. No parent is perfect, but when you consider all that she was trying to deal with, she did a damn fine job of holding us all together.
So it's your loss. It's your loss because you will never know the amazing woman that gave birth to you. You will never see her gentle heart, her unwavering optimism, her deep empathy or her sharp intelligence. You will never know how big her hugs are or how open her ears. You will not hear her ridiculous jokes or generous her gifts. You will likely deny it, but your life is less because she is not in it.
So blame some misguided ideal that we all hate you because you're gay/transgender and that's why we don't want anything to do with you, but the truth is you're a paranoid Schizophrenic that refuses to remain on treatment and that makes you dangerous. And an asshole. Don't forget, you're an asshole.
(shane herrboldt, kristina herrboldt, kitten kodder)
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