So today I'm going to revisit discipline, a deceased horse in some regards, yes, but there are a few patches not fully bruised and broken so I'll keep the topic alive.
I want to talk about the counting game. So many people try this method with their kids and SO many, many, many people fail. I am not one of those people. Counting to three is so effective for us I can now do it simply by holding up a finger or two (depending on how distracted Jude is) and he'll fall into line before I get up the third. What's my secret? I did it right the first time.
Let's face it, the main thing with kids, with every aspect of your teaching them about life and behavior, is consistency and follow through. So you'd think the counting method would be pretty self-explanatory, and by nature it is, but those two things are what trip most parents up.
When you count DO NOT ever go past three. Period. Once you do that you allow a child to wonder at those other numbers and what they might mean. Three is final. If the behavior hasn't stopped or corrected itself by then, though shit, it's time for some consequences. Do not add half numbers. Those can be damn near infinite in their possibilities so again it allows the boundaries your setting to be unclear. Unclear boundaries can be your downfall, especially if you have a willful child. Also, what 2 year old understands about half numbers? Really? Don't pansy out, stick to 1, 2, 3, be consistent.
Don't spend ten minutes explaining what the counting means, why it's going to happen, what you expect to be done, why you expect it, how long you spent giving birth to them, how much you miss your old body, how you'd like a full nights rest, etc. "Hey kid, what you're doing, not ok, I'm going to count to three, fix it or you're in trouble; 1, 2, 3." I know that's a bit vague but that's because I'm not talking directly to a toddler, I'm talking to you. Better example, kids running away from you and you want them to stop. "Jude, stop running now. I want you to come back and stand next to me. I'm going to count to three and if you aren't here by three you get a time out." Then count. As they get older you cut out half of that, "Jude stop, get back here now." Then count. Short & simple. When they comply, or if they don't, you can take a little more time to explain the whys, but during the counting process KISS (keep it simple stupid).
Do explain to them after the fact why you counted, but again, keep it simple because they're going to tune you out in about 30 seconds... so get it in there. With most things you can say "what you were doing was dangerous and I don't want to see you get hurt. I love you." Or something similar, again, simple. If they don't comply you may need a bit more because you'll want to take a second to tell them what you expect of them the next time it happens.
Okay, so non-compliance. This doesn't always mean time-out. I hate that people think that's a cure all punishment It's not. And it doesn't work at all if you don't take the time to explain to your child what time-out is for. It's not a punishment at all really, it's supposed to give your child a chance to think about what it is they just did and why it wasn't correct. That includes you taking the time to explain to them what, why, and what to do instead. We've gone over that in previous posts so I'll leave it there in this one.
Follow through. Whatever it is you just threatened them with, follow through with it if they do not comply. Which also means make damn sure it's something you CAN, and are willing to, follow through with. Don't tell them you're going to leave them home while you go see a movie if they don't get their shoes on right this minute... are you really going to leave them home by themselves? Don't be silly, not a small child. And they know that too. If you threaten to leave the zoo if they don't stop acting up, you'd better be prepared to actually leave (had a friend do this, and she stuck to it! So proud). If you don't your threat means nothing, your boundaries mean nothing, your parenting at that moment means nothing. It's wasted breath and energy. Don't cheat yourself or your child, (wo)man up, put your big girl panties on, pull out the mom voice and handle your business.
See that's the secret right there. That's how I made it work.
It's amazing to me how often I get "wowed" at in public when I count and Jude simply jumps too. These days I often don't even have to point out the behavior, I just call Jude and start counting. I still take after to explain why, but Jude knows that when I start counting to pretty much stop whatever it is he's doing and come to my side to talk to me. Sounds like a well trained puppy, huh? Pretty much. But folks, that shouldn't be considered an amazing feat. It really wasn't that hard to get to that point with my son. If you are consistent, follow through, and handle your shit that's the natural result. I wanted my son to understand that when I ask him to do something to do it and in return I have asked him to trust me that I'm doing things with his best interest at heart. I tell him this regularly. I tell him that sometimes he just has to trust me because I'm his mother and I love him more than anything else in this entire world. I try to explain as best I can, I keep an open line of communication, and when I can't explain it to him I let him know that. He knows I don't have all the answers, I tell him that regularly, I let him know his mama is only human but that I will always try to do what I think is best for him, for us as a family.
You know that dreaded moment where your kid is running toward a busy street and they think your yelling at them and chasing them is funny and run faster? I was NEVER going to find myself there. I promised myself that, and that's why I chose this route of parenting. I wanted my son to know that when I turn on the mom voice he listens, and when I count, he pays attention, because I will never be that mom that watches horrified as her child plays tag with motor vehicles.
Okay, so sappy stuff overflowing there for a minute. You get the picture.
In summation, the keys to a successful 1-2-3 count; start young, K.I.S.S., never count past three, and follow through with realistic consequences.
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"Two men enter, one man leaves."
Parenting; welcome to Thunderdome!
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