Owned It!

So, Jude started school today!  And, as mentioned before this also meant him riding the bus by himself to and from class.

I was so worried he'd have a break down, he's gotten more attached to me since our move.  I think largely due to the fact that we've been cut off from all our old haunts and play date buddies.  We don't go as many places and when we do it's often just him and I.  It's been sort of us against the world lately and I've seen the effect on Jude.  It's not a terrible one, but it did hold the potential to make the separation anxiety heightened. Apparently I need not to have worried.

He cried twice, briefly, while we were getting ready.  I calmed him, told him it's okay to be scared, and promised him that I would be waiting for him when he got home.  We went out and waited for the bus and goofed off some, when it came his eyes got a little watery and he got really quiet, but he didn't break down, I was so proud of him.  He really pulled it together.  Not that crying would have been bad, but it was easier this way.  I was so relieved.  Of course I cried when they pulled away.

When he came home he had a bunch to say and wasn't worried about going back again.  His teach e-mailed me to let me know he did great, followed along, handled the routine just fine.  He painted and played and wasn't worried about getting on the bus to come home.  Made my heart happy, gave me a huge grin that I still haven't shaken, lol.  My big brave boy is growing up, and that's bittersweet, but I am so proud of him.  I can't wait for parent teacher meetings later in the year!

SCHOOL! {edited}

Good news!  Jude was qualified for speech therapy.  Our dig our speech therapist.  She's very good with the kids, or at least with Jude, since he's the only one I've seen her interact with (to be fair), and she's just very personable.  On top of that she's good at her job.  How do I know that?  After only two short interactions with her via the evaluation process?  Because, she knows how to use the system in a manner that is effective and in the best interest of the child.

Does this mean she abuses the system?

No.

Let me clarify.  As we all know every child is different, and while some share common learning strengths and weakness within each of those categories there are many levels.  For example some kids learn via visual aides, some through auditory.  So when testing for learning disabilities it's important to be able to anticipate what is going to really show any given child's possible handicap.  Some of those are even almost impossible to "test" for and can only really be discovered over a period of time.

This is why early education, preferably by people that are well learned in spotting these hindrances is so damn important.  This is why I have been fighting, pushing, damn near scheming to get my son into preschool.  He's smart, he's been ahead of the curve in everything but speech, but let me point out that the physical act of speech does NOT reflect comprehension or language skills, including vocabulary, as a whole.

That whole mushy line about kids being our future?  It's FUCKING true.

I want my son to be a benefit not only to himself and his family and friends, I want him to be a benefit to society.  I want my son to have things I only dreamed of, and I've done better by far than my parents... but I want him to do even more!  That's the point, for the next generation to do better.  That's always been the point.

So, anyway, our speech therapist could see that Jude needs help with his speech.  She could also tell that he's a smart little cuss.  And I hate to say it like this, but he's worth the investment.  Sure, technically every child is, and I don't doubt that she does what she can for each child she comes across... but let's not beat around the bush.  Some kids ARE smarter than others.  Some kids ARE more motivated.  Some kids ARE ... a more honest bet.  Just like some kids ARE cuter.  Some kids ARE nicer, etc.  These are the facts of life.  This whole movement of "everybody is somebody" bs is just that, bs.  I'm not saying that a mediocre child isn't wonderful in their own right and doesn't deserve the same opportunities... but if they were horses... you're not going to bet on the slow ones.  Just putting that out there.

So Jude, anyway, yes, smart, has some speech delays... without therapy will he grow out of them?  Yes, eventually.  Will it be on par with his peers?  Who knows.  He may, he may not, but there's no way of knowing without playing that out.  Is it worth the risk?  Hell fucking no.  Not when he has so much potential.

She also told me that Jude "will be a lot of fun to work with.  He's got a lot to say and has a great vocabulary."  Hell yeah he does.  My boy is prince of the spoken word.  And she said that he's going to pick this stuff up quick and likely won't need the therapy past this year.

I hate to say this but WA state has been pulling punches when it comes to their ability to live up to the "no child left behind" movement.  It's why the Charter School initiative has recently come back onto the ballot.  Because our education system is falling behind and the few people out there that actually give a shit about their kids education, like myself, are pissed off about that.  Not that I fully agree with the Charter School inoperative .. I think we need to solve the problem at it's core.  We need to overhaul the public school system that already exists, not just try to start a rival.

Blah, I'm running out of steam.

So yeah, Jude will now be bused so he will start PreK this year and while I know people are going to seriously fight me on this, I WILL be having him tested into Kindergarten next year.  All the  naysayers can come talk to me when my kid is graduation with his peers and not with the kids a year younger than himself.

MY son

So... I get this weird feeling the universe is trying to start us down a different path than I expected.  We had Jude tested in the hopes of getting an IEP.  For those that aren't aware of what that is stands for Individualized Education Program.  Basically it's set up to place children in an educational environment individualized to help them over come or work around a learning disability.  Now you may be asking why we would be doing such a thing... frankly, we're hoping that a slight speech impediment will lead to the means to get Jude into school.  See, we're not really worried about Jude's speech.  I honestly think it's something he's growing out of, however the only way I can currently get him into school is to get him an IEP so he will be bused because I have no way of getting him to school as is.

Wait... where was I going with this?

Oh yeah, so this is what we were hoping for.  The testing showed him doing either fine or great for his age category.  He did fine on shapes, colors and even above average on conceptual things... hard to explain but for example, the concept of "around."  He impressed.  His hearing, great, his eye sight is apparently well above average.  His gross motor skills fine, his fine motor skills, fine.  His language skills are impressive, meaning his vocabulary and his comprehension of communicated thought.  His physical act of speech was the only concern... but even then just barely.

We have been specifically not working with him on this because if he does not get an IEP he does not ualify for transportation and therefore we will not be able to get him in to school until Kindergarten when they will willing bus him... which is fucking stupid.  Honestly... if  a parent is actively trying to get their child started on an early education program WTF is the state doing making that difficult?

We praise education, we say it's the most important thing, but then we set up all these road blocks.  Our society is seriously fucked up.  Yes, I can work with him at home, but I'm not a teacher for a reason, I'm not that good at it.  I lack patience and discipline.  I do not want my child to suffer because of my character flaws which is why I'm actively seeking out ways to further his education via people who actually know what they're doing!!!

But no... the state has other ideas.

Anyway, back to my point of posting.

It seems that in the week following Jude's evaluation he's taken it upon himself to improve everything they worked with him on.

I kid you not.

He is now doing things they asked him to do that he was uncertain of at the time.  Galloping for example.  They asked him to do that, gross motor, and he couldn't... we've never shown him how frankly... two days following testing he does it on his own.  Awesome.  No, seriously, proud mama moment simply because we didn't bring this back up.  He took the 30 seconds from the test and applied it almost instantly.

Oh shit.

Yup, exactly what that implies.  His speech is markedly better from just a week ago.  I kid you not.  THIS is why I want him in school!  He's so smart, he's so capable and I'm not the best person to be teaching him these things!!!!!!  I love him, I get to teach him all about life and meaning and other stuff... but the RRR's?  Not so good with it all.  But he's ready.  He's so ready.  He's a little sponge that is so eager and ready to learn and I'm so worried that he's going to be held back because of the stupid fact that I don't own a car!

*SIGH*  I know that if it comes down to it I'm going to have to buck up and scale my own mountain in the hopes that he won't be left standing at the bottom of his... I know that I have a fight ahead of me because I'll be damned if he's kept out of Kindergarten because his b-day falls mere weeks after their cutoff.  NO FUCKING WAY.  I will not allow him to start life late because some people seem to thing starting late is better.  Fuck them.  My son is MY son and like his mother he will be the youngest in his class because he is an old soul and is more than capable of keeping up with someone a month older than him.

See, I'm angry now.

Why am I even typing at this time of night?

Gah.

So yeah, I'm starting to think the universe has other ideas for us because the road blocks are piling up and I have no logical reason why except that this is not the path we're meant to follow...

Want Some Perspective?

So, this is sort of a family post, but also sort of a ranting post... a get it off my chest type post... in regards to my eldest brother.

This is going to require a back story, I will do my best to keep it brief.

My eldest brother Shane is 6 years my senior, he was a very happy child from what I understand, but somewhere in his early teens things started to go sour.  He became aggressive (like pulling knifes on people),  confrontational about weird things (like things that never happened), and moody.  He started pulling away from everyone at the same time, spending a lot of time in his room by himself.  He started lying (or at least in reality they were lies, in his head I'm pretty sure most of it was the truth to him) and blaming everything on everyone else.  So the doctors visits started happening, then the shrink visits, after many of these he was diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia.  Now remember, this was the late 80's early 90's and so treatment was still relatively new (history of Schizophrenia) in the grand scheme of things.  He was put on multiple medications, anti-depressants as well as anti-psychotics and things got noticeably better... for a time.

Here's the problem with diseases of this type, they are often victims of two major pitfalls.  The first is the "Oh, I feel better now, that means I can stop taking my meds!" line of thinking.  Dangerous because you can not cure schizophrenia, at this point we can only attempt to treat the symptoms.  The second is the "Wait a second... those doctors... are they.... are they trying to control me?!" line of thinking.  This one is common thanks to the paranoia linked with the diagnosis.  The govt is trying to control them, use them as a weapon, gather intelligence... yeah.  So they stop taking the meds and it's back on to the crazy train!

This is what happened with my brother.  He would go on them for a while, then he'd stop, then back on, then off, until he was old enough that my parents no longer had a say and then it was off for good (as far as I know, and I think it's a safe bet).  Eventually this led to some estrangement in his 20's, sort of dropped out of communication, would surface from time to time.  We kept our distance because, as anyone that has dealt with this type of situation can attest, there is only so much you can do to help before you have to step back and just let people live with own life.

Okay, so during this time my mother was also diagnosed with Schizophrenia.  With her it's been a totally different ride.  She's stayed medicated from the time she was diagnosed and has even been proactive in helping people to understand the disorder.  She's a rare case.  She's also not paranoid, which helps.  Her voices use to tell her to hurt herself, not to hurt others, for lack of the time to describe that is detail.  So, now we know that mom's got it, we know it's genetic, ta-da!

Around about two years after that Shane contacts me via e-mail, letting me know that he is gay, transgender but pre-op, and would I please fill mom in... not exactly the position that I wanted to be put into.  Now, let me clarify, it wasn't that he was gay, or even transgender, although leaving it to me to break that to my mother (who you have to understand at that time was still fairly deep into the Mormon religion but has since relaxed many of her views)... that was kind of a dick move.  But that's not the issue either, its the fact that he's crazy, like scary crazy, like verbally abusive crazy, like tormentor of my childhood crazy.  Anyway, let her know, she wasn't so concerned about that as she was about his general well being.

Fast forward a few more years, he shows up needing a place to stay... and pretty much everything else; food, cigarettes  etc.  My mother took him in, and due to her guilt over his mental state being genetic and therefor in her mind her fault, let him walk all over her, verbally abuse her, and would apologize for it all.

We all moved to WA from ID that summer (2001).  My mother and I had a place to stay while we found our own place, but Shane (going by Kristina, on estrogen but pre-op still, I'm just trying to keep it less confusing by calling him by his given name and a him instead of a her.  No disrespect, just keeping it simple) was not welcome.  Again, you have to understand this is not because of the gender thing, it's because those that have known him since youth all know how crazy he can be.  No one wants someone that can flip out and pull a knife on you in their home or around their family.  He may not have done that in years, but it doesn't matter, once it's done it's done and the fear it generates remains.

Now, due to that my mother chose to stay with Shane, living out of her SUV with him rather than leave him and enter a home that welcomed her... seriously.  I'm not sure exactly how it happened but at one point Shane got taken up to Seattle...?  I can't recall the details.  I think he found a friend or something.  Anyway, at that point my other brother and I moved our mother into a new place and did not inform Shane of any details.  We weren't going to watch her suffer anymore, to allow herself to be punished for something that was never within her control.  Done and done.

Now, I randomly search for Shane from time to time, mostly to make sure he's still a live, keep the family updated, that type of thing.  I did this yesterday and I discovered that he has discovered video blogging.  Whoa.

Morbid curiosity had something to do with my scrolling through his posts, but then I stumbled upon one that read "Love of a gay Father" and I was like

I have never gotten that vibe from my father.  Is it possible?  I suppose anything is.  I can't read his thoughts so I can't say with 100% certainty.  Would it matter?  No, I'd be one of those people that would simply use it to show people that hey, gay parent, turned out fine.  But again, I've never gotten that vibe from my dad so it totally threw me for a loop and I had to click the video.

... Dude is delusional.  His view of our childhood, of our parents during our childhood, is seriously out in left field.  Now, don't get me wrong, I love my dad, I think I love him now more than I did as a child because now I understand where he was coming from.  My father was raised by a man that was seriously damaged.  My grandfather is an asshole.  He's the "boys don't cry," "don't be a pussy," "it's a good thing your mother died when she did because I was going to divorce her anyway," asshole.  Yeah, he said that, at her funeral.  You can imagine what that would do to a boy that is naturally more sensitive, it's a recipe for an emotionally closed off, passive, introvert.  My father.  He's relaxed over the years, but I can honestly say I've never seen my father cry.  Ever.

Mix that with a wife that was an un-diagnosed Schizophrenic during the entire marriage... you've got a pretty beat down man.  He stood quiet and bared all that without complaint, and I respect him for it, he did his best and I can't fault him for the failure of my parents marriage.  The disease is to blame, not either of my parents, they did their best.

Now, on top of that view he has of my father he also seems to think that our mother has a horrible person.  And THAT makes me want to punch him in the face.  That makes me want to write him a scathing letter... but I'll blog it instead.

Dear Shane/Kristina,

You have absolutely no idea the sacrifices our mother made for us.  You have no idea the unconditional love she bares all her children.  If it were conditional she wouldn't still ask me if I've heard from you.  She wouldn't get choked up when I tell her you seem to be doing alright (i.e. alive, fed and clothed, access to comforts etc) and wouldn't thank me for checking up on you and letting her know.  She wouldn't continue to love you despite the vile things you've said to her.  You talk about unconditional love but you don't practice it.  What does that make you?  A fucking hypocrite.  The very thing I'm guessing over half your video blogs are nay-saying.  You talk about acceptance and love and peace, but you're so angry and judgmental that you're defeating the very purpose of your message.  Don't you see that?  You put others down but call them bigots if they do the same to you... you haven't changed at all since childhood.  It's the same BS you pulled then, it's the reason I grew up hating you.  You were so mean, so angry, so fucking scary.  Do you recall that I was never allowed to be home alone with you?!  I always had to have Michael around, which is why when he went to hang out with his friends he took me, his baby sister, along with him.  And he never complained about it.  Now that's a good big brother.

Mother was an undiagnosed, unmedicated, Schizophrenic, and you know what?  She never so much as raised a hand to us.  She flew off the handle from time to time, and she'd break shit, but if you recall it wasn't our shit, it was always her own shit.  The worst we got was if we didn't pick up our stuff we'd come home to it out on the lawn.  Big deal.  Know what else?  Mother suffers from a slew of physical disorders that cause her pain, even back then.  They use to think much of it was "in her head" they now call it Fibromyalgia and Lupus.  No parent is perfect, but when you consider all that she was trying to deal with, she did a damn fine job of holding us all together.

So it's your loss.  It's your loss because you will never know the amazing woman that gave birth to you.  You will never see her gentle heart, her unwavering optimism, her deep empathy or her sharp intelligence.  You will never know how big her hugs are or how open her ears.  You will not hear her ridiculous jokes or generous her gifts.  You will likely deny it, but your life is less because she is not in it.

So blame some misguided ideal that we all hate you because you're gay/transgender and that's why we don't want anything to do with you, but the truth is you're a paranoid Schizophrenic that refuses to remain on treatment and that makes you dangerous.  And an asshole.  Don't forget, you're an asshole.

(shane herrboldt, kristina herrboldt, kitten kodder)

Watch your fucking mouth around the baby!

Okay, so here's another interesting parenting trap I think many people fall into.  Sometimes it's due to belief systems, other times due to how we're taught and therefore how we learn to handle the situation.

Your four year old clenches their fists, puts them stubbornly on their hips, furrows their brow and says "God damn it!" nice and clear.  You might try to hide a giggle (I have no idea why but most of us find it funny when a small child swears), you may mentally congratulate them on using it correctly, you might gasp in shock, your ears might burn a little or your cheeks flush with embarrassment. Whatever your initial reaction, you're likely to quickly move to correct the "offensive" language coming from your child's mouth because even if it's not a big deal to you, you are well aware of how society as a whole frowns upon our mini me's talking like sailors.  "No, that's a bad word!  We don't say that."

For those that know me personally, you know that I talk like a sailor, and so you may be wondering how it is that Jude is walking around NOT dropping f-bombs on a regular basis.

Do I watch my language in front of him?

Nope.

Do I get myself in trouble for using "bad" words.

Nope.

Do I beat him if he uses them?

Nope.

.... what else is there?

First off let me start by saying that I have a firm belief that language is only as powerful as we allow it to be.  The meaning attached to words exists because WE brought it into being.  I don't believe that cuss words are necessarily "bad" words, and in fact you can turn any word into a cuss word.  Just because you choose to swear like an old lady, gosh darn it, doesn't mean that you're not, in fact, swearing.  You are.  One of the many meanings of swear in the dictionary is to use profane oaths; curse.  Also to to use abusive, violent, or blasphemous language against; curse.  Saying go screw yourself is the same as saying go fuck yourself if the intent, the feelings behind the sentiment, are the same.  Period.  You can get all high and mighty on my about this but those are the facts.  The only thing I will cede to is the use of God.  The reason I say this is because I understand how that is in fact a sacred word to many.  Not me personally, but I get that.  Doesn't stop me from using it because since it doesn't have that meaning to me it honestly doesn't hold as much weight, oath wise, as it would if I did.  Think about that for a second, it'll click.  I do try not to use it in front of those that do care about that one though, I try to be respectful, even if I sometimes fail.

Okay, now, I also try to watch my language in front of other people's kids... at least in situations that are personal i.e. play dates, birthday parties, etc.  The reason being again, respect.  I don't do this in public in general because frankly I'm simply not paying that much attention to perfect strangers, besides which, the kids have got to be exposed a little, right?

Anyway, so how is Jude not a serious offender by now, seeing as how he picks up language like dress pants pick up dog hair?  It's simple.

Know how when you drink (for those that do) in front of your kid and they ask what it is and you tell them it's beer, or wine, etc?  And they ask for it and you tell them it's an adult drink so they can't have it until they're older?

Same thing.

When Jude repeats a cuss word I simply tell him that that is an adult word and give him something he can use instead.  I don't over react, I don't scowl at him or shame him, I keep it cool and say "nope honey, that's an adult word, you need to wait until you're older to use it, but you can say____."  He'll repeat back to me the offered replacement and that's that, he's got it.

It's like magic O.O

If you've got a youngin' and you have trouble not shouting out FUCK every time things don't go your way, I highly recommend considering trying this method out.  It came about for us simply due to the fact that I got really tired of not being able to use my favorite expletives even when they fit a situation perfectly.  Darn it just isn't the same and a good old fashioned Damn it!, and fudge in simply not a fulfilling stand in for Fuck!  I need a little meat in my cuss words or I feel malnourished in the communication department.

I'm going to count to three...

Okay, I'm actually going to take a minute to do a mommy post.  I use this blog for all sorts of rants and what not, but it was suppose to be about my experiences as a mama.... so I get side tracked, so what.

So today I'm going to revisit discipline, a deceased horse in some regards, yes, but there are a few patches not fully bruised and broken so I'll keep the topic alive.

I want to talk about the counting game.  So many people try this method with their kids and SO many, many, many people fail.  I am  not one of those people.  Counting to three is so effective for us I can now do it simply by holding up a finger or two (depending on how distracted Jude is) and he'll fall into line before I get up the third.  What's my secret?  I did it right the first time.

Let's face it, the main thing with kids, with every aspect of your teaching them about life and behavior, is consistency and follow through.  So you'd think the counting method would be pretty self-explanatory, and by nature it is, but those two things are what trip most parents up.

When you count DO NOT ever go past three.  Period.  Once you do that you allow a child to wonder at those other numbers and what they might mean.  Three is final.  If the behavior hasn't stopped or corrected itself by then, though shit, it's time for some consequences.  Do not add half numbers.  Those can be damn near infinite in their possibilities so again it allows the boundaries your setting to be unclear.  Unclear boundaries can be your downfall, especially if you have a willful child.  Also, what 2 year old understands about half numbers?  Really?  Don't pansy out, stick to 1, 2, 3, be consistent.

Don't spend ten minutes explaining what the counting means, why it's going to happen, what you expect to be done, why you expect it, how long you spent giving birth to them, how much you miss your old body, how you'd like a full nights rest, etc.  "Hey kid, what you're doing, not ok, I'm going to count to three, fix it or you're in trouble; 1, 2, 3."  I know that's a bit vague but that's because I'm not talking directly to a toddler, I'm talking to you.  Better example, kids running away from you and you want them to stop.  "Jude, stop running now.  I want you to come back and stand next to me.  I'm going to count to three and if you aren't here by three you get a time out."  Then count.  As they get older you cut out half of that, "Jude stop, get back here now."  Then count.  Short & simple.  When they comply, or if they don't, you can take a little more time to explain the whys, but during the counting process KISS (keep it simple stupid).

Do explain to them after the fact why you counted, but again, keep it simple because they're going to tune you out in about 30 seconds... so get it in there.  With most things you can say "what you were doing was dangerous and I don't want to see you get hurt.  I love you."  Or something similar, again, simple.  If they don't comply you may need a bit more because you'll want to take a second to tell them what you expect of them the next time it happens.

Okay, so non-compliance.  This doesn't always mean time-out.  I hate that people think that's a cure all punishment   It's not.  And it doesn't work at all if you don't take the time to explain to your child what time-out is for.  It's not a punishment at all really, it's supposed to give your child a chance to think about what it is they just did and why it wasn't correct.  That includes you taking the time to explain to them what, why, and what to do instead.  We've gone over that in previous posts so I'll leave it there in this one.

Follow through.  Whatever it is you just threatened them with, follow through with it if they do not comply.  Which also means make damn sure it's something you CAN, and are willing to, follow through with.  Don't tell them you're going to leave them home while you go see a movie if they don't get their shoes on right this minute... are you really going to leave them home by themselves?  Don't be silly, not a small child.  And they know that too.  If you threaten to leave the zoo if they don't stop acting up, you'd better be prepared to actually leave (had a friend do this, and she stuck to it!  So proud).  If you don't your threat means nothing, your boundaries mean nothing, your parenting at that moment means nothing.  It's wasted breath and energy.  Don't cheat yourself or your child, (wo)man up, put your big girl panties on, pull out the mom voice and handle your business.

See that's the secret right there.  That's how I made it work.

It's amazing to me how often I get "wowed" at in public when I count and Jude simply jumps too.  These days I often don't even have to point out the behavior, I just call Jude and start counting.  I still take after to explain why, but Jude knows that when I start counting to pretty much stop whatever it is he's doing and come to my side to talk to me.  Sounds like a well trained puppy, huh?  Pretty much.  But folks, that shouldn't be considered an amazing feat.  It really wasn't that hard to get to that point with my son.  If you are consistent, follow through, and handle your shit that's the natural result.  I wanted my son to understand that when I ask him to do something to do it and in return I have asked him to trust me that I'm doing things with his best interest at heart.  I tell him this regularly.  I tell him that sometimes he just has to trust me because I'm his mother and I love him more than anything else in this entire world.  I try to explain as best I can, I keep an open line of communication, and when I can't explain it to him I let him know that.  He knows I don't have all the answers, I tell him that regularly, I let him know his mama is only human but that I will always try to do what I think is best for him, for us as a family.

You know that dreaded moment where your kid is running toward a busy street and they think your yelling at them and chasing them is funny and run faster?  I was NEVER going to find myself there.  I promised myself that, and that's why I chose this route of parenting.  I wanted my son to know that when I turn on the mom voice he listens, and when I count, he pays attention, because I will never be that mom that watches horrified as her child plays tag with motor vehicles.

Okay, so sappy stuff overflowing there for a minute.  You get the picture.

In summation, the keys to a successful 1-2-3 count; start young, K.I.S.S., never count past three, and follow through with realistic consequences.

"Two men enter, one man leaves."

Parenting; welcome to Thunderdome! 

Let's just stop pretending...

I'm not sure why, but recently I've had this strong desire to purge my friends and acquaintances.  I think this age of internet, WWW, expanded network BS has me feeling like I've got all this filler in my life.  It's like top ramen for your soul...

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE how easy it is to stay connected to the people I love.  I love that I can be up to date weekly (if not daily) on how those I love are doing.  Dig it.  It's strengthened some relationships far beyond what they would be if we had to rely on phones and snail mail alone.  I am extremely grateful for that.  I also love that it's allowed me to re-connect with people I knew in my youth (shit... did I just refer to another time as my "youth".... holy crap I've crossed that line), especially when I find that I still like them and respect them.

However, I feel like I'm required to "friend" people that I'm not really all that much a fan of in reality.  People that if I see at a party, sure I'm fine being nice too, in fact I even enjoy our interactions, but I would never honestly call them "friend."  I would not call on them in times of crisis.  I would not trust them to be there to help me move.  I don't anticipate them being at my next major event.  I would not expect them to show up at the hospital were I so interned.  And there's nothing wrong with that except that we have this big false thing going on some stupid social networking site and I FEEL like I'm suppose to care and I really shouldn't.  They are filler in my life; water in my lotion, wheat in my cat's food, potatoes in my diet, and Colin Farell in my cinema.  And I'm sure that I am in their's, trust me, I do not expect them to care about the million photos I post of my son, or the antidotes... sort of wish they'd delete me so that I don't have to take the chance in offending them by doing it on my side.

*SIGH*

Why do we put up with this shit?

We call it "networking" but really?  Those of us that are truly doing that, for say a business, we have other accounts for that, not personal ones.  I do... it's been hard to kind of move people over because of my fear of offending them, but really, I'm at a point where I no longer care.  If you like my work you'll keep following me elsewhere, you'll pay for my services.  If you just want to see pretty pictures, you'll "LIKE" my page and call it a day.  There is no need to see all my personal updates.

Unless you know me personally for YEARS, or what feels like years, unless we've just met and aren't sure yet and you want to check our my photo galleries (probation really), unless we're play date buddies, unless you're family or one of my besties that I consider family... I'm sorry, you're going to be pruned soon.  Unless I haven't been hiding you for the last year because you no longer use your personal profile for personal use... you know who you are... then bye bye.  I've likely been hiding you for the last year anyway.  Add me on my "admin" site so we can stay connected in the business sense (go T-Town local artists!), I'm totally cool with that.  In fact, I'd LOVE you for doing that.

Please, please, please do not take offense by this.  It has nothing to do with a personal like or dislike of your character.  It has to do with the fact that I have a limited capacity to pay attention to what 100+ (god forbid 300+) people are doing on a daily basis!  That's not friendship, that's obsession with other people's lives that don't even coincide with yours!  I have 178 people added on FB... not all of which I follow, and not all of which I honestly care about.  That's not fair, not to me, not to them.

And no, I'm not going to simply cancel FB because, like I've said, I love what it does for those of us that are close.  So fuck off.

Rather, take it as a herald.  Take it as an opportunity to do the same for yourself.  If you are trying to run a business, make a PAGE, not a profile and keep your profile personal.  Create a business profile for those that wish to "friend" you on FB, or MS, or what ever platform you use.  Don't feel the need to be "friends: with every tom dick and harry that sends you a request.  Think of FB as your local coffee shop during the day and bar at night.  Who is worth you meeting there for some catch up time?  If you wouldn't do it in person... send them to your business page!  (this may actually require starting a new page that's personal... for me that is WAY too many personal photos to think about so it's not going to happen)

I need some cleansing in my life.  I need to get back to what I love, who I love, and ignoring all the excess that's either annoying, ignored, or, well, just plain pisses me off.... so peace, in the true meaning of the word, let's part ways amicably and get back to what matters to us in life :)