Two blog posts in one day?! Yup, it's one of those days.
I've been thinking about friendship lately. I've run into a lot of people who seem to think that friendship is all or nothing. I don't get this. There are varying degrees of friendship, spiraling from besties all the way out to mere acquaintances. There is nothing wrong with falling anywhere along that spiral, the important thing to remember is not to try to be someones BFF when you're really more of FBF (Facebook Friend). If you try to put more into a friendship that simply isn't meant to be more, it drains you.
People grow. We all know this. Your interests change, your opinions change, your relationship status changes, you have kids, or your friends do, you change jobs, go back to school, get a new career, move away, move back, etc. Life is always evolving and you have to expect friendships to as well, and evolution sometimes involves culling.
Now, I know that someone's going to bring up the "then why bother trying" sarcastic-bitch way of replying. It's not about that, it about being sensitive enough to the world outside of your own little herd to be able to sense when you need to back off. Not being as close to someone as you use to be doesn't mean you can't still be friends, it just means your friendship has changed. If you can accept that, typically, you're better off. If you fight it... well, that's when you act like a child and do the whole "fine! I'm deleting you from my FB!" which we all know is the modern way of making moose antlers with your hands, sticking out your tongue and then saying "nany-nany-boo-boo."
Do you see what I'm getting at here?
I have friends that I've known since grade school. I don't talk to them every day. I don't really talk to them at all. I keep tabs on where their life is going, because I honestly do care, and when something happens I say "way to go! I'm so happy for you!" but I by no means expect them to come to my birthday party.
I have friends from high school who I love, I adore, who I know if I needed to bury a body, they would hop on a plane and be right there by my side... or not because they're way fucking smarter than that, but you get where I'm going with this. We have each other's backs. We knew each other, loved each other, during that pivotal moment of life when you begin to really sort out who you are and what you believe in and those friendships are usually life long. However, we don't live anywhere near each other. We write e-mail, we FB, we see each other every few years when one of us can afford a plane ticket or road trip, and we're fine with that. Friendship doesn't always need to be expressed through doing things together.
Then there are the friends I've made since reaching adulthood. Most of those have been more fleeting. Why? Because the biggest life changes happen in your twenties-thirties. You get married, you have kids, they don't. Or vice versa. You go to college, they move a town away for a new job. You get busy, frankly. You also get politics. Those are something I definitely notice. And just because one of my friends believes differently than me doesn't mean we can't be friends... but let's face it, we're not likely to be as close. We enjoy being around people of like minds. At least I do. I don't like either having to avoid topics, or argue over them with my friends, not the ones I see regularly. And I really, really, really don't want their beliefs shoved down my throat every other day. Does this mean I can't say howdy every once in a while? Nope, not at all, but it does mean I don't want a play date.
Oh, other mother's, there's another one. Parenting often causes conflict. My son is particular about who he wants to spend time with. If the mother is someone I'm not necessarily close to, but my son loves their kid, great, I'll make it happen... but if not... yeah, not really going to bother. However if he's not really interested but I love the mama's company, play dates will happen, little boy gets no say. I've run into way more of the later than the former. Actually, I'm not sure I've really run into any of the former. Jude's besties all have mama's that I dig. But that's not my point, my point is that parenting styles, when they clash, that also leads to a break down in friendship. It's extremely common, even happens among family.
AND, there is always the chance for a drifting back to occur. So be careful about burning bridges; it's a lot easier to do some patch work than it is to do a full rebuild.
In summation. Don't sweat drifting friendships. Make an honest effort, but don't over reach yourself, that leads to resentment. Don't feel guilty if you're the one drifting either. It's called life, it doesn't stand still, you can't expect to always be on the same page you were three years ago, if you are... it might be time for some new friends.
No comments:
Post a Comment