There are a few things I have come upon in the past few days that have only worked to reinforce certain beliefs I have about parenting. The first was brought to my attention via this article: Discipline for Softies.
Actually, that will lead directly into the next thought because frankly they are connected.
Okay, so here's what I have an issue with. Being a "softie" is not a character trait to pander too, it is a FLAW that has to be fought against. Why? Because in shielding your child from the facts of life (read largely as "consequences for their actions" and "inappropriate behavior vs. appropriate behavior") sets them up for either a great shock when they become aware of them on their own, or a complete inability to recognize them at all.
Remember: it is our JOB as PARENTS to TEACH our children how to interact with the world around them in a way that makes their lives as full, healthy, and beneficial to both themselves and all the rest of society. Got it? I know that's heavy shit, but parenting IS heavy shit. It's being wholly responsible for raising another human being. That human being has in turn the ability to saves lives... or ruin them. They have the ability to become leaders of great revolutions, or instigators of horrible acts. They can protect, or they can harm. They are a force in this world and we as parents are responsible for doing our absolute BEST to make them forces of good. Do you see where I'm going with this?
Yes, there are times where our best will never be enough. There are things beyond our control, like mental illnesses, that we can only do so much to shape. HOWEVER, we as parents are still responsible for doing what can be done. Period. And I'm going to leave that topic alone because that will get me way too off course. So back to the average range.
So, in the article it mentions a few things that really get my goat. Like the "child-proofing" your day. Unless your child has a condition that means that "melt-downs" are more than just a bratty fit, then all you're doing it padding their life. What I mean by that is that by taking away the possibility for conflict you're setting them up to expect an easy road. When they are faced with it outside of their life with you they are going to be unpleasantly surprised and likely unable to solve their own problems.
The second thing is the "master distractor" part. Are you fucking kidding me?!?!?! Past the infant stage this is an absolutely ridiculous idea. Hell, even then it's dangerous. Why on earth would you pass up the opportunity to not only help your child learn how to problem solve and share (if other kids are involved like the example in the article), but also the opportunity to point out exactly what behavior is inappropriate, WHY it's inappropriate, and then what the appropriate behavior that should replace it is? THAT's pretty much everything you're supposed to be doing as a parent. Distraction is a cop out, it's lazy, it's selfish and it's worthless. I do not only disprove of this method of parenting, I outright condemn it, and if you use it as a parenting technique expect a serious look of disdain from my general direction.
Scene playing out in my head *Office pulls your son over for speeding: "Son, do you know how fast you were going?" "Uh, no officer?" "It's okay, ooooo look, play dough!"*
Now, when it comes to discipline, which the article doesn't really touch. It talks about avoiding having to discipline more than it covers the actual act. Given, if you're actively parenting you rarely have to do so, but still. Okay, pop quiz: what is the most important thing to remember when disciplining a child? Anybody? FOLLOW THROUGH. I've said it before and I'll say it again. If you do not follow through with any act of discipline your child will figure out what their odds are pretty fast. If they know they can act out and 9 times our of 10 they won't get in trouble for it... well, anyone can tell you those are pretty damn good odds. They will risk that one time if it means they get their way the rest of the time.
Okay, so from there let's fast forward 20 (or 30) years.
Where's your kid now?
There is an epidemic currently going on in America. It's the epidemic of the eternal adolescent. It is whole generations of children that never make it past the age of 20 (or more likely 16, but I'm trying to be generous) emotionally. These children have no purpose, no direction, no real place in society. They are often a burden on their parents as well as the rest of the population (wasting pell grants, collecting unemployment, food stamps, medical, etc). They complain about no jobs but feel that working at McDonalds is beneath them (NOTHING is beneath you if you're earning an honest living and providing for yourself and your family). They has a false sense of entitlement thanks to decades of being given awards for "participation" and being told that they are a "special" for no other reason than because they were born. Being born doesn't make you special. There are millions of people on this planet and most of them are nothing special. You can be someone special to someone else, that's all most of us can hope for in all honesty, but being special above and beyond the rest of the populace? Please, that's takes serious gumption, intelligence and/or talent mixed with a whole lot of luck.
The funny thing, the problem really, is that once a child becomes an adult in mere years parents stop treating them like a child. If they are living in your home, if they are eating the food you buy (and cook), if you are washing their clothes, if you are paying for the utilities they use, if they are driving your car and asking you for money for gas to put in it... guess what? They are NOT an adult. They are still a teenager and unless you want to live out the rest of your life with them under your wing, you have to return to treating them like a child. You have to hope to either help them start growing again, or push them into doing it.
There are a ton of articles out there that cover the "rules" concerning adult children returning home, so I'm not going to get into that. Google it if you want some ideas. They're pretty "no-duh" for the most part and pertain mostly to situations that anticipate those children being responsible and their stay being merely temporary, and that's not the type of thing I'm currently talking about, that's a different situation entirely. Instead I want to focus on those that seem to have no desire to become independent.
Ah, here we are: When an Adult Child Won't Grow Up. That's much more useful. (I totally just said that in my head using Hoggle from Labyrinth's voice, I'm a nerd)
The fact of the matter is that pandering to children of any age is a serious recipe for disaster. You have to prepare them, you have to push them, you have to teach them, you have to discipline them, and you absolutely CAN NOT reward negative behavior. You don't allow a child to go on a field trip after repeatedly bringing home bad grades, lying, or throwing tantrums... why the hell would you an adult to act in essentially the same way then hand them the car keys, gas money and a promise of a vacation? Because if you do, you get no sympathy from me, no "It's not your fault" comments, because when YOU allow them to treat you that way, well then... it is your fault.
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