Coolest F-word Ever Deserves a Fucking Shout!

I am raising a feminist.  But Tiffany, you have a BOY... what does that mean exactly?  You may well ask.

Feminism is not just for ladies.  Feminism is not a bad word.  It's not about bra burning or men hating.  It's not about hairy legs or tampon waving (I'm not even sure what that means).  It's about the simple desire to see women as equal to men in RIGHTS.

Define feminism:


fem·i·nism1.2.

  

[fem-uh-niz-uhm]  Show IPA

noun

the doctrine advocating social, political, and all other rightsof women equal to those of men.

( sometimes initial capital letter ) an organized movement forthe attainment of such rights for women.

See.  This does not mean that a feminist thinks that a woman can do everything a man can, let's face it, it's extremely hard for us to pee standing up without getting it all over ourselves (and men can't seem to keep pee off of toilet seats so there's some balance to be had).  It just means we, the collective we, deserve the same rights, protections and opportunities.  If a man can legitimately gain a job over a woman based on skills, schooling or experience, okay then.  Fair won.  Right on.  In some jobs that can be a physical requirement, like say, a Fireman... they kind of need to be able to lift a certain amount of weight.  That's doesn't mean a woman can't try, or even succeed, but I recognize that it means there are going to be fewer Firemen that are ladies.  I'm cool with that.  If I ever need to be rescued from a fire you can bet your ass I want someone that can lift mine.    But lady weight lifters DO exist, it is possible, and we merely deserve the opportunity.

This does not mean that being a feminist means you think women are better than men.  Each has their strengths and weaknesses, and yes sometimes that's due to nature and gender, but those are things we're born with, not something we created ourselves.  It's the peeing standing up argument again.  I personally do not discriminate based on sex, women can be assholes too.  Let's just be fair about the criteria when we hate, okay?

When it comes to our bodies we deserve the same rights afforded to men.  You will never see (not in our lifetime) a law up for debate that requires men give up the right to choose what they do with their reproductive organs.  No time soon will you be hearing of a Supreme Court case that involves a mans right to choose to get a vasectomy, or masturbate (all those little potentials for life!?!?  OMG, just wasted.... WWJD?) into a sock.  You will not hear them being forced to carry a child for nine months because he was raped (which if it were possible it would still never happen), or questioned as to whether on not their rape was even legitimate.  Nope.

We are on the cusp of a new feminist revolution folks.  We are being faced with wave after wave of ridiculous  attacks against the rights that our mothers, grandmothers and great grandmothers fought to win for us!  How can we just stand by and allow this to happen?  How can we, again collective, actually AGREE?  That's what really boggles my mind is the amount of women out there that are being swayed into following along with these misogynistic ideals that anyone has the right to tell anyone else what to do with their bodies?!  This isn't a matter of if you believe abortion is wrong, it has to do with the fact that you can't force your will on other people.  Jesus never taught about creating laws to rule others lives?  He taught about loving your neighbors despite how they may make choices we don't agree with.  He taught to let GOD deal with them if they choose to live less than ... Christian.

Laws must exist to protect, and some claim that abortion laws are protecting unborn children... want to know what?  I was raised Mormon.  Know what I was taught... led to believe by the churches movies, propaganda, etc?  Well, it wasn't that the spirit entered the body at conception.  Nope.  I distinctly remember a movie that when a mother lost a baby, it showing the "spirit" of the child still hanging out in the pre-exisitance (like heaven but for those that have yet to be born), bummed at not getting to be born yet... So... what's up there?

Regardless, laws are based on provable facts.  That's why we don't just put people to death without first proving that they are without a doubt guilty of something (and even then most countries, or states within them, have squashed the death penalty on the off chance it's not right).  Legal burden of proof.  It's why we sometimes have to let guilty people go; because we can't prove they did what we may know in our hearts they did.  So, with that knowledge and no scientific proof that a microscopic bundle of cells is actually a person, how can we (not me personally) impose our spiritual belief on the right of someone to handle their own medical decisions?  No shit.  That's what this boils down to.  This is about spiritual belief, this is not about facts.  If you can not prove something you should not be basing laws that take away someone's proven rights on it.  Period.

"People, we are standing at ground zero

Of the feminist revolution

Yeah, it was an inside job

Stoic and sly

One we're supposed to forget 

And downplay and deny

But I think the time is nothing

If not nigh

To let the truth out

Coolest f-word ever deserves a fucking shout!"

That metaphor is powerful (excerpt from Ani's Grand Canyon).  Takes a min to really sink in, but think about that, think about surveying the rubble of our rights as women...  think about the flames they went up in, the people that died fighting to preserve them, the work of the countless people that built them up in the first place.  That's huge.

So what are my plans?  How will I personally fight to combat this tide of rage against women?  Two things, first, I vote.  That's pretty simple.  Second, I will raise my son to respect women, women's rights, human rights, and civil rights.  I will raise him to be a gentleman and open doors, not because a woman needs him to open the door for them, but because it's a sign of respect and common courtesy,  He will be taught that a woman's sex life is no more his business than a mans is, and unless he's in a relationship with them he has no right to discuss it or judge it.  He does not have to agree with their choices but he does have to respect their right to choose.  He will NOT be taught that the way a woman dresses is a direct expression of their sexual desires and that no one ever "asks" to be raped or assaulted.  He will learn that men and women have an obligation to each other to live balanced lives, both within society as a whole as well as in individual relationships.  A woman's desire to stay home with her children is not a direct reflection of any acknowledgement of "her place" being in the home any more than a man's decision to work is a direct reflection of his desire not to see his family.  We each do what we feel is right for us and our families.  If a man wishes to stay home and raise the children, that is a mighty fine and noble choice.

Our fight to regain feminist as a title of power and respect rather than a slur for conservatives to sling around like mud begins with teaching our children what it really means to be one.  We must learn to respect ourselves and each other.  We need to stop putting our worth between our legs.  We need to stop using terms like "slut" and "whore" to label each other.  We need to start supporting each other in our choices of motherhood over a career or a career over bearing children.  These are personal choices not statements about all womankind.  We need to teach through example and we need to include our SONS in all of this.  It's not just about raising strong daughters, it's about raising strong sons that support those strong daughters.  Sons that can accept equality and not feel the need to strut and fight and control women in order to feel like men.

Many may think this means raising them to be feminine... Is Christian Bale feminine?  George Clooney, Will Smith, Matt Damon, Jon Hamm, Ryan Gosling?  Bah, that line of thinking is a load of crap and I won't even bother to entertain it.  Besides, I can guarantee you those feminist men get more genuine positive female attention than Paul Ryan ever did.

I am raising a feminist.

Narcissists Need Not Apply

Never doubt that my love for my son and husband will always FAR out weigh any love I'm expected to feel toward extended family.  Notice the use of the term "expected" because while some may think love is required, for me it's fucking EARNED.  And I can promise you that my love is not given freely or gained easily.

You don't want to hear any specifics I have to say on the subject because my words will penetrate far deeper than any junkies needle ever will.

The Epidemic of the Eternal Adolescent

There are a few things I have come upon in the past few days that have only worked to reinforce certain beliefs I have about parenting.  The first was brought to my attention via this article: Discipline for Softies.

Actually, that will lead directly into the next thought because frankly they are connected.

Okay, so here's what I have an issue with.  Being a "softie" is not a character trait to pander too, it is a FLAW that has to be fought against.  Why?  Because in shielding your child from the facts of life (read largely as "consequences for their actions" and "inappropriate behavior vs. appropriate behavior") sets them up for either a great shock when they become aware of them on their own, or a complete inability to recognize them at all.

Remember:  it is our JOB as PARENTS to TEACH our children how to interact with the world around them in a way that makes their lives as full, healthy, and beneficial to both themselves and all the rest of society.  Got it?  I know that's heavy shit, but parenting IS heavy shit.  It's being wholly responsible for raising another human being.  That human being has in turn the ability to saves lives... or ruin them.  They have the ability to become leaders of great revolutions, or instigators of horrible acts.  They can protect, or they can harm.  They are a force in this world and we as parents are responsible for doing our absolute BEST to make them forces of good.  Do you see where I'm going with this?

Yes, there are times where our best will never be enough.  There are things beyond our control, like mental illnesses, that we can only do so much to shape.  HOWEVER, we as parents are still responsible for doing what can be done.  Period.  And I'm going to leave that topic alone because that will get me way too off course.  So back to the average range.

So, in the article it mentions a few things that really get my goat.  Like the "child-proofing" your day.  Unless your child has a condition that means that "melt-downs" are more than just a bratty fit, then all you're doing it padding their life.  What I mean by that is that by taking away the possibility for conflict you're setting them up to expect an easy road.  When they are faced with it outside of their life with you they are going to be unpleasantly surprised and likely unable to solve their own problems.

The second thing is the "master distractor" part.  Are you fucking kidding me?!?!?!  Past the infant stage this is  an absolutely ridiculous idea.  Hell, even then it's dangerous.  Why on earth would you pass up the opportunity to not only help your child learn how to problem solve and share (if other kids are involved like the example in the article), but also the opportunity to point out exactly what behavior is inappropriate, WHY it's inappropriate, and then what the appropriate behavior that should replace it is?  THAT's pretty much everything you're supposed to be doing as a parent.  Distraction is a cop out, it's lazy, it's selfish and it's worthless.  I do not only disprove of this method of parenting, I outright condemn it, and if you use it as a parenting technique expect a serious look of disdain from my general direction.

Scene playing out in my head *Office pulls your son over for speeding: "Son, do you know how fast you were going?"  "Uh, no officer?"  "It's okay, ooooo look, play dough!"*

Now, when it comes to discipline, which the article doesn't really touch.  It talks about avoiding having to discipline more than it covers the actual act.  Given, if you're actively parenting you rarely have to do so, but still.  Okay, pop quiz: what is the most important thing to remember when disciplining a child?  Anybody?  FOLLOW THROUGH.  I've said it before and I'll say it again.  If you do not follow through with any act of discipline your child will figure out what their odds are pretty fast.  If they know they can act out and 9 times our of 10 they won't get in trouble for it... well, anyone can tell you those are pretty damn good odds.  They will risk that one time if it means they get their way the rest of the time.

Okay, so from there let's fast forward 20 (or 30) years.

Where's your kid now?

There is an epidemic currently going on in America.  It's the epidemic of the eternal adolescent.  It is whole generations of children that never make it past the age of 20 (or more likely 16, but I'm trying to be generous) emotionally.  These children have no purpose, no direction, no real place in society.  They are often a burden on their parents as well as the rest of the population (wasting pell grants, collecting unemployment, food stamps, medical, etc).  They complain about no jobs but feel that working at McDonalds is beneath them (NOTHING is beneath you if you're earning an honest living and providing for yourself and your family).  They has a false sense of entitlement thanks to decades of being given awards for "participation" and being told that they are a "special" for no other reason than because they were born.  Being born doesn't make you special.  There are millions of people on this planet and most of them are nothing special.  You can be someone special to someone else, that's all most of us can hope for in all honesty, but being special above and beyond the rest of the populace?  Please, that's takes serious gumption, intelligence and/or talent mixed with a whole lot of luck.

The funny thing, the problem really, is that once a child becomes an adult in mere years parents stop treating them like a child.  If they are living in your home, if they are eating the food you buy (and cook), if you are washing their clothes, if you are paying for the utilities they use, if they are driving your car and asking you for money for gas to put in it... guess what?  They are NOT an adult.  They are still a teenager and unless you want to live out the rest of your life with them under your wing, you have to return to treating them like a child.  You have to hope to either help them start growing again, or push them into doing it.

There are a ton of articles out there that cover the "rules" concerning adult children returning home, so I'm not going to get into that.  Google it if you want some ideas.  They're pretty "no-duh" for the most part and pertain mostly to situations that anticipate those children being responsible and their stay being merely temporary, and that's not the type of thing I'm currently talking about, that's a different situation entirely.  Instead I want to focus on those that seem to have no desire to become independent.

Ah, here we are: When an Adult Child Won't Grow Up.  That's much more useful.  (I totally just said that in my head using Hoggle from Labyrinth's voice, I'm a nerd)

The fact of the matter is that pandering to children of any age is a serious recipe for disaster.  You have to prepare them, you have to push them, you have to teach them, you have to discipline them, and you absolutely CAN NOT reward negative behavior.  You don't allow a child to go on a field trip after repeatedly  bringing home bad grades, lying, or throwing tantrums... why the hell would you an adult to act in essentially the same way then hand them the car keys, gas money and a promise of a vacation?  Because if you do, you get no sympathy from me, no "It's not your fault" comments, because when YOU allow them to treat you that way, well then... it is your fault.