So tonight I had one of those perfect movie moments of Jude walking out of his room, not fully awake, with his blanket and wub in one hand and his Bedtime Bear in the other, eyes barely slits to battle the sudden light in the living room, asking "Mama, can I sleep in your room"? Papa is playing a show tonight so we've spent the evening just the two of us, which always creates sort of a 'us against the world' kind of vibe. I can't explain it beyond that but any mama that's had those same types of situations, hell any single mama can lay claim to, knows.
It was recently brought to my attention by a friend who read an article (I know... that's a stretch), that infants leave cells behind in their mothers after birth. I do not know the length of gestation that is required for this to occur... I haven't really looked into it much since the initial information was presented, but after birth is a definite, but I can tell you I will now be looking into the science further.
There's always been an additional connection between mother and child beyond what a father can ever comprehend. I like to think it's our bonus for having to actually incubate our children. It's the tradeoff for the discomfort, the body change; the widened hips, the stretch marks, the bigger boobs (that might shrink after the fact to a smaller cup size than original), the weight that never leaves, the thicker ankles, etc. It balances the nine months of giving up caffeine, alcohol, excessive sugar, processed foods, trans fats, and whatever else might be prudent. It pays off the inability to sleep through the night because you can't find a comfortable position... the inability to even SIT comfortably because of the changes. It pretty much pays us back for everything… I must admit, I would gladly pay all that for that extra bit of love and bond we get with our babies. It is … god, it’s amazing!
Part of my feels selfish for that… but then again… not really. I’m a selfish being and knowing that my son will always be as much a part of me as I am of him? That’s pretty much the shit right there. It’s almost god like… is that inappropriate to say? Oh well, I said it, so there you are.
Don’t get me wrong. I absolutely adore watching my husband interact without our son. Seeing them play together, seeing them read a book together, seeing them cuddle and watch Saturday morning cartoons together on the couch…? I LOVE that. More than anything… but knowing that my baby boy, the one I grew, the one that shared my body with me as no one else could, will always share a special bond with me and me alone…? That? That is deep. That is nearly beyond my ability to even put to words.
So see, here I sit, seriously contemplating the bond of parents with their children… and I thank God, Yahweh, Allah, whatever it is you choose to worship, that these little people have such a profound effect on us. Without it, this world would be a cold, heartless, fucked up place. Let’s just hope that that love… that bond, is enough to bridge the gap and make peace for the babies that love us.
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