Lest You Be Judged

Know what?

I'm a judgmental person.  Yup.

But hey, at least I admit it, right?  Hell yeah.  I harbor no delusions about the fact that I am quick to asses a person and then conveniently file them away under a well accepted label.  It leaves room in my brain for the important things.  I'm not perfect, but I'm still pretty cool, and I am still loved by many strange and wonderful people, so I'm not phased by this.

Let me clarify one thing though, I don't jump to conclusions based on gender, race, or age.  Religion...?  Eh, I sometimes do, depends on the religion.  Scientologists are likely to land up in my "loony" folder, I'm not going to lie.  In fact, I'm not even sure I consider that a religion... point being is my judgments are based on speech and action.  The minute you open your mouth (or place your fingers to the keyboard) I start picking through your word choices, your topic choices, your opinions and then I begin to hold them up against your actions.  The longer I know you the more refined my judgments become.  Makes sense right?  Yup, because everyone fucking does it.  Even if they don't want to admit to it, we're all judgmental bastards.  We're hardwired for it.  Anyone that says otherwise is either a Saint, or a liar.  My money is on the later of the two choices.  Take a little time to review the psychology behind the concept and you'll find that I'm speaking the truth.

The older I get the more quickly I start refining my judgement   Hey, I'm getting old, I don't have time for stupid people.  I don't have the patience to wait years to discover that you're a hypocritical bitch.  I'm going to sort that out as quickly as I can so that I can bow out of any social interaction I may otherwise feel obligated to participate in.  I like to reserve my time for people I actually like, who make me laugh, who are honest and can admit they're human.  This doesn't mean I like mean people, it just means I prefer my friends not to focus so hard on placing themselves on the moral high-ground (especially when it's mostly for show) but rather just go about their lives and are just good (but flawed) by default.  Other people and their opinions be damned.

So, if I don't care why am I even bothering to post this?  Eh, two reasons, 1) I dislike when someone attacks my friends, and 2) I can.  I'm judgmental  remember, this also means I'm highly likely to post my opinions on a matter in a public forum simply because I CAN.  My blogs have always been a source of therapy for me, ever since I first joined LiveJournal back in the fall of 2003 (yeah, I've been "blogging" for a long as time).  Although I've been keeping hard-copy journals since I was a preteen.  Writing just works for me, and now thanks to the WWW, I can share my judgmental thoughts with others.

And do I expect others to judge me?  Duh, of course I do, I'd be disappointed if they didn't, a little ego bruised even.  If I choose to let it bother me, that's MY problem.  It's usually not a problem though :)

That said, check yourself.  If you want to judge others, by all means, go for it, I do, but don't damn them for behavior that you are also guilty of.  At least not publicly, that's just downright stupid.

Look at this Instagram

Find Instagram a little pretentious and a little stupid?  Yeah, me too.  Click the picture for a hilarious parody compliments of collegehumor.com.

We're Higher Than a Motherf*cker!

I have a ton on my mind right now... but I'm going to forego posting a ton of blog verbatim of what is occurring in my mind since frankly it's been said a million times already by people in both the past and present that share a similar view of the world and are much more eloquent than myself (as good with the English language as I am).  Let's face it, we're not alone in this so we're not likely to be horribly unique in our thoughts right now.

Instead I'm going to post a video that pretty much sums up how I'm feeling right now.

Two weeks ago I would never have thought to not only be posting/sharing a Nicki Minaj piece but actually playing it on repeat for hours on end... but the world is an amazing place where we have the freedom to change our minds and feelings when experience dictates.  Sometimes inspiration comes in the most unlikely places, try not to close yourself off to the possibilities.  Don't be a snob, just enjoy it, trust me.  HIT PLAY NOW, and just listen...

By the way, in my head, this is Obama's theme song right now.... no, seriously, listen to it and tell me I'm wrong.  It's pretty damn appropriate, in a wonderfully inappropriate (not entirely accurate), crass kind of way.  Which in a way is totally appropriate for our/my generation.  We may feign at being all grown up and responsible but there is still a part of us that wants to tell the man to fuck off.

And FUCK YEAH WA for approving Ref-74!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  "Fuck who you want and fuck who you like!" (see, the song is carrying over into other issues, it's perfect!)  It's a civil rights issue and I'm proud to have voted in favor of LOVE for all.  Love wins!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And no, I'm not actually high right now, even though WA has just approved an initiative that makes pot legal. I-502, it limits quantities  but still, same idea as alcohol.  WA, we're progressive like that.  We're sort of awesome.

So who wants to take me dancing?  I'll bet you're smiling right now huh?  You can't help it.  The last two days have restored your faith in humanity... at least a little bit.  Let's do this one more time!!!!

I SUCK at Multitasking.

I find that the older I get the less I care about shit.

I'm sure I'm not the only one.  As we get older things just hit a point where we no longer have the energy to keep up so naturally we start to cull those things that don't really matter to us.  It's not that those things don't matter to someone, they're just things that aren't necessary to us personally, in our individual pursuit of happiness.

On top of that natural culling, I think in this day and age we have this completely unrealistic ideal of what we should be able to pay attention to and care about.

How many friends do you have on FB?  150?  200?  500+?  Do you have a Twitter, a MS, a Linkden, a blog, a website, an Instagram, a Pinterest, and a Google plus account?  Do you track how many people are "following" you?

If on-line social networking didn't exist would those people still be a part of your life?

My bet is no, they would not be.  You would not have those people's numbers in your phone or address book.  You would not be attending their baby showers or anniversary parties, or even getting invites.  You wouldn't feel lost if you couldn't see where their day is taking them... everyday... you wouldn't expend the energy trying to placate or back pat.  And it's not an issue of disliking or anything, it's simply a matter of not caring.  I'm not saying you wouldn't feel bad should you find out something bad happened, but you also wouldn't feel bad at not being the first to know.

The internet has made us over-think our own importance.  I mean, we get bummed if only 20 people tell us Happy Birthday on our time-lines... who fucking cares?!  So long as my family and close, personal friends remember, I'm a happy girl.  It's nice when others acknowledge it, don't get me wrong, it's sweet, but I don't require them too in order to validate my importance in life.  I only NEED to be important to those that are important to me.

I think that this expectation to care is ridiculous; we're a high strung bunch thanks to all this crap.  We grew up being told "I Am Somebody!" getting it crammed down our throats with participation trophies for everyone.  We're all so damn important... guess what, that's a lie.  We're not.  We're really not that important.  We can make ourselves important, true, and we are naturally important to those that love us, family, our significant others, our children, but everyone else, you have to work for that status.  You don't just get it because you use to go to school together, or you have a mutual friend, or you share a common hobby.  Nope.

Have I ever mentioned that I SUCK at multitasking?  I'm no good.  I have to finish one project before I start on a new one.  What does this have to do with my current topic?  My attention span is limited,  it's narrow and focused and I don't have time for distractions.  Distractions at this stage of life can mean the difference between accomplishing a lifetime goal and failing miserably.  So excuse me if I underestimate my own importance for a while and put on some blinders and focus on the things that really matter in life; my son, my husband, our home, my real friends, and my photography.  That's all I have time for.

Owned It!

So, Jude started school today!  And, as mentioned before this also meant him riding the bus by himself to and from class.

I was so worried he'd have a break down, he's gotten more attached to me since our move.  I think largely due to the fact that we've been cut off from all our old haunts and play date buddies.  We don't go as many places and when we do it's often just him and I.  It's been sort of us against the world lately and I've seen the effect on Jude.  It's not a terrible one, but it did hold the potential to make the separation anxiety heightened. Apparently I need not to have worried.

He cried twice, briefly, while we were getting ready.  I calmed him, told him it's okay to be scared, and promised him that I would be waiting for him when he got home.  We went out and waited for the bus and goofed off some, when it came his eyes got a little watery and he got really quiet, but he didn't break down, I was so proud of him.  He really pulled it together.  Not that crying would have been bad, but it was easier this way.  I was so relieved.  Of course I cried when they pulled away.

When he came home he had a bunch to say and wasn't worried about going back again.  His teach e-mailed me to let me know he did great, followed along, handled the routine just fine.  He painted and played and wasn't worried about getting on the bus to come home.  Made my heart happy, gave me a huge grin that I still haven't shaken, lol.  My big brave boy is growing up, and that's bittersweet, but I am so proud of him.  I can't wait for parent teacher meetings later in the year!

SCHOOL! {edited}

Good news!  Jude was qualified for speech therapy.  Our dig our speech therapist.  She's very good with the kids, or at least with Jude, since he's the only one I've seen her interact with (to be fair), and she's just very personable.  On top of that she's good at her job.  How do I know that?  After only two short interactions with her via the evaluation process?  Because, she knows how to use the system in a manner that is effective and in the best interest of the child.

Does this mean she abuses the system?

No.

Let me clarify.  As we all know every child is different, and while some share common learning strengths and weakness within each of those categories there are many levels.  For example some kids learn via visual aides, some through auditory.  So when testing for learning disabilities it's important to be able to anticipate what is going to really show any given child's possible handicap.  Some of those are even almost impossible to "test" for and can only really be discovered over a period of time.

This is why early education, preferably by people that are well learned in spotting these hindrances is so damn important.  This is why I have been fighting, pushing, damn near scheming to get my son into preschool.  He's smart, he's been ahead of the curve in everything but speech, but let me point out that the physical act of speech does NOT reflect comprehension or language skills, including vocabulary, as a whole.

That whole mushy line about kids being our future?  It's FUCKING true.

I want my son to be a benefit not only to himself and his family and friends, I want him to be a benefit to society.  I want my son to have things I only dreamed of, and I've done better by far than my parents... but I want him to do even more!  That's the point, for the next generation to do better.  That's always been the point.

So, anyway, our speech therapist could see that Jude needs help with his speech.  She could also tell that he's a smart little cuss.  And I hate to say it like this, but he's worth the investment.  Sure, technically every child is, and I don't doubt that she does what she can for each child she comes across... but let's not beat around the bush.  Some kids ARE smarter than others.  Some kids ARE more motivated.  Some kids ARE ... a more honest bet.  Just like some kids ARE cuter.  Some kids ARE nicer, etc.  These are the facts of life.  This whole movement of "everybody is somebody" bs is just that, bs.  I'm not saying that a mediocre child isn't wonderful in their own right and doesn't deserve the same opportunities... but if they were horses... you're not going to bet on the slow ones.  Just putting that out there.

So Jude, anyway, yes, smart, has some speech delays... without therapy will he grow out of them?  Yes, eventually.  Will it be on par with his peers?  Who knows.  He may, he may not, but there's no way of knowing without playing that out.  Is it worth the risk?  Hell fucking no.  Not when he has so much potential.

She also told me that Jude "will be a lot of fun to work with.  He's got a lot to say and has a great vocabulary."  Hell yeah he does.  My boy is prince of the spoken word.  And she said that he's going to pick this stuff up quick and likely won't need the therapy past this year.

I hate to say this but WA state has been pulling punches when it comes to their ability to live up to the "no child left behind" movement.  It's why the Charter School initiative has recently come back onto the ballot.  Because our education system is falling behind and the few people out there that actually give a shit about their kids education, like myself, are pissed off about that.  Not that I fully agree with the Charter School inoperative .. I think we need to solve the problem at it's core.  We need to overhaul the public school system that already exists, not just try to start a rival.

Blah, I'm running out of steam.

So yeah, Jude will now be bused so he will start PreK this year and while I know people are going to seriously fight me on this, I WILL be having him tested into Kindergarten next year.  All the  naysayers can come talk to me when my kid is graduation with his peers and not with the kids a year younger than himself.

MY son

So... I get this weird feeling the universe is trying to start us down a different path than I expected.  We had Jude tested in the hopes of getting an IEP.  For those that aren't aware of what that is stands for Individualized Education Program.  Basically it's set up to place children in an educational environment individualized to help them over come or work around a learning disability.  Now you may be asking why we would be doing such a thing... frankly, we're hoping that a slight speech impediment will lead to the means to get Jude into school.  See, we're not really worried about Jude's speech.  I honestly think it's something he's growing out of, however the only way I can currently get him into school is to get him an IEP so he will be bused because I have no way of getting him to school as is.

Wait... where was I going with this?

Oh yeah, so this is what we were hoping for.  The testing showed him doing either fine or great for his age category.  He did fine on shapes, colors and even above average on conceptual things... hard to explain but for example, the concept of "around."  He impressed.  His hearing, great, his eye sight is apparently well above average.  His gross motor skills fine, his fine motor skills, fine.  His language skills are impressive, meaning his vocabulary and his comprehension of communicated thought.  His physical act of speech was the only concern... but even then just barely.

We have been specifically not working with him on this because if he does not get an IEP he does not ualify for transportation and therefore we will not be able to get him in to school until Kindergarten when they will willing bus him... which is fucking stupid.  Honestly... if  a parent is actively trying to get their child started on an early education program WTF is the state doing making that difficult?

We praise education, we say it's the most important thing, but then we set up all these road blocks.  Our society is seriously fucked up.  Yes, I can work with him at home, but I'm not a teacher for a reason, I'm not that good at it.  I lack patience and discipline.  I do not want my child to suffer because of my character flaws which is why I'm actively seeking out ways to further his education via people who actually know what they're doing!!!

But no... the state has other ideas.

Anyway, back to my point of posting.

It seems that in the week following Jude's evaluation he's taken it upon himself to improve everything they worked with him on.

I kid you not.

He is now doing things they asked him to do that he was uncertain of at the time.  Galloping for example.  They asked him to do that, gross motor, and he couldn't... we've never shown him how frankly... two days following testing he does it on his own.  Awesome.  No, seriously, proud mama moment simply because we didn't bring this back up.  He took the 30 seconds from the test and applied it almost instantly.

Oh shit.

Yup, exactly what that implies.  His speech is markedly better from just a week ago.  I kid you not.  THIS is why I want him in school!  He's so smart, he's so capable and I'm not the best person to be teaching him these things!!!!!!  I love him, I get to teach him all about life and meaning and other stuff... but the RRR's?  Not so good with it all.  But he's ready.  He's so ready.  He's a little sponge that is so eager and ready to learn and I'm so worried that he's going to be held back because of the stupid fact that I don't own a car!

*SIGH*  I know that if it comes down to it I'm going to have to buck up and scale my own mountain in the hopes that he won't be left standing at the bottom of his... I know that I have a fight ahead of me because I'll be damned if he's kept out of Kindergarten because his b-day falls mere weeks after their cutoff.  NO FUCKING WAY.  I will not allow him to start life late because some people seem to thing starting late is better.  Fuck them.  My son is MY son and like his mother he will be the youngest in his class because he is an old soul and is more than capable of keeping up with someone a month older than him.

See, I'm angry now.

Why am I even typing at this time of night?

Gah.

So yeah, I'm starting to think the universe has other ideas for us because the road blocks are piling up and I have no logical reason why except that this is not the path we're meant to follow...

Want Some Perspective?

So, this is sort of a family post, but also sort of a ranting post... a get it off my chest type post... in regards to my eldest brother.

This is going to require a back story, I will do my best to keep it brief.

My eldest brother Shane is 6 years my senior, he was a very happy child from what I understand, but somewhere in his early teens things started to go sour.  He became aggressive (like pulling knifes on people),  confrontational about weird things (like things that never happened), and moody.  He started pulling away from everyone at the same time, spending a lot of time in his room by himself.  He started lying (or at least in reality they were lies, in his head I'm pretty sure most of it was the truth to him) and blaming everything on everyone else.  So the doctors visits started happening, then the shrink visits, after many of these he was diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia.  Now remember, this was the late 80's early 90's and so treatment was still relatively new (history of Schizophrenia) in the grand scheme of things.  He was put on multiple medications, anti-depressants as well as anti-psychotics and things got noticeably better... for a time.

Here's the problem with diseases of this type, they are often victims of two major pitfalls.  The first is the "Oh, I feel better now, that means I can stop taking my meds!" line of thinking.  Dangerous because you can not cure schizophrenia, at this point we can only attempt to treat the symptoms.  The second is the "Wait a second... those doctors... are they.... are they trying to control me?!" line of thinking.  This one is common thanks to the paranoia linked with the diagnosis.  The govt is trying to control them, use them as a weapon, gather intelligence... yeah.  So they stop taking the meds and it's back on to the crazy train!

This is what happened with my brother.  He would go on them for a while, then he'd stop, then back on, then off, until he was old enough that my parents no longer had a say and then it was off for good (as far as I know, and I think it's a safe bet).  Eventually this led to some estrangement in his 20's, sort of dropped out of communication, would surface from time to time.  We kept our distance because, as anyone that has dealt with this type of situation can attest, there is only so much you can do to help before you have to step back and just let people live with own life.

Okay, so during this time my mother was also diagnosed with Schizophrenia.  With her it's been a totally different ride.  She's stayed medicated from the time she was diagnosed and has even been proactive in helping people to understand the disorder.  She's a rare case.  She's also not paranoid, which helps.  Her voices use to tell her to hurt herself, not to hurt others, for lack of the time to describe that is detail.  So, now we know that mom's got it, we know it's genetic, ta-da!

Around about two years after that Shane contacts me via e-mail, letting me know that he is gay, transgender but pre-op, and would I please fill mom in... not exactly the position that I wanted to be put into.  Now, let me clarify, it wasn't that he was gay, or even transgender, although leaving it to me to break that to my mother (who you have to understand at that time was still fairly deep into the Mormon religion but has since relaxed many of her views)... that was kind of a dick move.  But that's not the issue either, its the fact that he's crazy, like scary crazy, like verbally abusive crazy, like tormentor of my childhood crazy.  Anyway, let her know, she wasn't so concerned about that as she was about his general well being.

Fast forward a few more years, he shows up needing a place to stay... and pretty much everything else; food, cigarettes  etc.  My mother took him in, and due to her guilt over his mental state being genetic and therefor in her mind her fault, let him walk all over her, verbally abuse her, and would apologize for it all.

We all moved to WA from ID that summer (2001).  My mother and I had a place to stay while we found our own place, but Shane (going by Kristina, on estrogen but pre-op still, I'm just trying to keep it less confusing by calling him by his given name and a him instead of a her.  No disrespect, just keeping it simple) was not welcome.  Again, you have to understand this is not because of the gender thing, it's because those that have known him since youth all know how crazy he can be.  No one wants someone that can flip out and pull a knife on you in their home or around their family.  He may not have done that in years, but it doesn't matter, once it's done it's done and the fear it generates remains.

Now, due to that my mother chose to stay with Shane, living out of her SUV with him rather than leave him and enter a home that welcomed her... seriously.  I'm not sure exactly how it happened but at one point Shane got taken up to Seattle...?  I can't recall the details.  I think he found a friend or something.  Anyway, at that point my other brother and I moved our mother into a new place and did not inform Shane of any details.  We weren't going to watch her suffer anymore, to allow herself to be punished for something that was never within her control.  Done and done.

Now, I randomly search for Shane from time to time, mostly to make sure he's still a live, keep the family updated, that type of thing.  I did this yesterday and I discovered that he has discovered video blogging.  Whoa.

Morbid curiosity had something to do with my scrolling through his posts, but then I stumbled upon one that read "Love of a gay Father" and I was like

I have never gotten that vibe from my father.  Is it possible?  I suppose anything is.  I can't read his thoughts so I can't say with 100% certainty.  Would it matter?  No, I'd be one of those people that would simply use it to show people that hey, gay parent, turned out fine.  But again, I've never gotten that vibe from my dad so it totally threw me for a loop and I had to click the video.

... Dude is delusional.  His view of our childhood, of our parents during our childhood, is seriously out in left field.  Now, don't get me wrong, I love my dad, I think I love him now more than I did as a child because now I understand where he was coming from.  My father was raised by a man that was seriously damaged.  My grandfather is an asshole.  He's the "boys don't cry," "don't be a pussy," "it's a good thing your mother died when she did because I was going to divorce her anyway," asshole.  Yeah, he said that, at her funeral.  You can imagine what that would do to a boy that is naturally more sensitive, it's a recipe for an emotionally closed off, passive, introvert.  My father.  He's relaxed over the years, but I can honestly say I've never seen my father cry.  Ever.

Mix that with a wife that was an un-diagnosed Schizophrenic during the entire marriage... you've got a pretty beat down man.  He stood quiet and bared all that without complaint, and I respect him for it, he did his best and I can't fault him for the failure of my parents marriage.  The disease is to blame, not either of my parents, they did their best.

Now, on top of that view he has of my father he also seems to think that our mother has a horrible person.  And THAT makes me want to punch him in the face.  That makes me want to write him a scathing letter... but I'll blog it instead.

Dear Shane/Kristina,

You have absolutely no idea the sacrifices our mother made for us.  You have no idea the unconditional love she bares all her children.  If it were conditional she wouldn't still ask me if I've heard from you.  She wouldn't get choked up when I tell her you seem to be doing alright (i.e. alive, fed and clothed, access to comforts etc) and wouldn't thank me for checking up on you and letting her know.  She wouldn't continue to love you despite the vile things you've said to her.  You talk about unconditional love but you don't practice it.  What does that make you?  A fucking hypocrite.  The very thing I'm guessing over half your video blogs are nay-saying.  You talk about acceptance and love and peace, but you're so angry and judgmental that you're defeating the very purpose of your message.  Don't you see that?  You put others down but call them bigots if they do the same to you... you haven't changed at all since childhood.  It's the same BS you pulled then, it's the reason I grew up hating you.  You were so mean, so angry, so fucking scary.  Do you recall that I was never allowed to be home alone with you?!  I always had to have Michael around, which is why when he went to hang out with his friends he took me, his baby sister, along with him.  And he never complained about it.  Now that's a good big brother.

Mother was an undiagnosed, unmedicated, Schizophrenic, and you know what?  She never so much as raised a hand to us.  She flew off the handle from time to time, and she'd break shit, but if you recall it wasn't our shit, it was always her own shit.  The worst we got was if we didn't pick up our stuff we'd come home to it out on the lawn.  Big deal.  Know what else?  Mother suffers from a slew of physical disorders that cause her pain, even back then.  They use to think much of it was "in her head" they now call it Fibromyalgia and Lupus.  No parent is perfect, but when you consider all that she was trying to deal with, she did a damn fine job of holding us all together.

So it's your loss.  It's your loss because you will never know the amazing woman that gave birth to you.  You will never see her gentle heart, her unwavering optimism, her deep empathy or her sharp intelligence.  You will never know how big her hugs are or how open her ears.  You will not hear her ridiculous jokes or generous her gifts.  You will likely deny it, but your life is less because she is not in it.

So blame some misguided ideal that we all hate you because you're gay/transgender and that's why we don't want anything to do with you, but the truth is you're a paranoid Schizophrenic that refuses to remain on treatment and that makes you dangerous.  And an asshole.  Don't forget, you're an asshole.

(shane herrboldt, kristina herrboldt, kitten kodder)

Watch your fucking mouth around the baby!

Okay, so here's another interesting parenting trap I think many people fall into.  Sometimes it's due to belief systems, other times due to how we're taught and therefore how we learn to handle the situation.

Your four year old clenches their fists, puts them stubbornly on their hips, furrows their brow and says "God damn it!" nice and clear.  You might try to hide a giggle (I have no idea why but most of us find it funny when a small child swears), you may mentally congratulate them on using it correctly, you might gasp in shock, your ears might burn a little or your cheeks flush with embarrassment. Whatever your initial reaction, you're likely to quickly move to correct the "offensive" language coming from your child's mouth because even if it's not a big deal to you, you are well aware of how society as a whole frowns upon our mini me's talking like sailors.  "No, that's a bad word!  We don't say that."

For those that know me personally, you know that I talk like a sailor, and so you may be wondering how it is that Jude is walking around NOT dropping f-bombs on a regular basis.

Do I watch my language in front of him?

Nope.

Do I get myself in trouble for using "bad" words.

Nope.

Do I beat him if he uses them?

Nope.

.... what else is there?

First off let me start by saying that I have a firm belief that language is only as powerful as we allow it to be.  The meaning attached to words exists because WE brought it into being.  I don't believe that cuss words are necessarily "bad" words, and in fact you can turn any word into a cuss word.  Just because you choose to swear like an old lady, gosh darn it, doesn't mean that you're not, in fact, swearing.  You are.  One of the many meanings of swear in the dictionary is to use profane oaths; curse.  Also to to use abusive, violent, or blasphemous language against; curse.  Saying go screw yourself is the same as saying go fuck yourself if the intent, the feelings behind the sentiment, are the same.  Period.  You can get all high and mighty on my about this but those are the facts.  The only thing I will cede to is the use of God.  The reason I say this is because I understand how that is in fact a sacred word to many.  Not me personally, but I get that.  Doesn't stop me from using it because since it doesn't have that meaning to me it honestly doesn't hold as much weight, oath wise, as it would if I did.  Think about that for a second, it'll click.  I do try not to use it in front of those that do care about that one though, I try to be respectful, even if I sometimes fail.

Okay, now, I also try to watch my language in front of other people's kids... at least in situations that are personal i.e. play dates, birthday parties, etc.  The reason being again, respect.  I don't do this in public in general because frankly I'm simply not paying that much attention to perfect strangers, besides which, the kids have got to be exposed a little, right?

Anyway, so how is Jude not a serious offender by now, seeing as how he picks up language like dress pants pick up dog hair?  It's simple.

Know how when you drink (for those that do) in front of your kid and they ask what it is and you tell them it's beer, or wine, etc?  And they ask for it and you tell them it's an adult drink so they can't have it until they're older?

Same thing.

When Jude repeats a cuss word I simply tell him that that is an adult word and give him something he can use instead.  I don't over react, I don't scowl at him or shame him, I keep it cool and say "nope honey, that's an adult word, you need to wait until you're older to use it, but you can say____."  He'll repeat back to me the offered replacement and that's that, he's got it.

It's like magic O.O

If you've got a youngin' and you have trouble not shouting out FUCK every time things don't go your way, I highly recommend considering trying this method out.  It came about for us simply due to the fact that I got really tired of not being able to use my favorite expletives even when they fit a situation perfectly.  Darn it just isn't the same and a good old fashioned Damn it!, and fudge in simply not a fulfilling stand in for Fuck!  I need a little meat in my cuss words or I feel malnourished in the communication department.

I'm going to count to three...

Okay, I'm actually going to take a minute to do a mommy post.  I use this blog for all sorts of rants and what not, but it was suppose to be about my experiences as a mama.... so I get side tracked, so what.

So today I'm going to revisit discipline, a deceased horse in some regards, yes, but there are a few patches not fully bruised and broken so I'll keep the topic alive.

I want to talk about the counting game.  So many people try this method with their kids and SO many, many, many people fail.  I am  not one of those people.  Counting to three is so effective for us I can now do it simply by holding up a finger or two (depending on how distracted Jude is) and he'll fall into line before I get up the third.  What's my secret?  I did it right the first time.

Let's face it, the main thing with kids, with every aspect of your teaching them about life and behavior, is consistency and follow through.  So you'd think the counting method would be pretty self-explanatory, and by nature it is, but those two things are what trip most parents up.

When you count DO NOT ever go past three.  Period.  Once you do that you allow a child to wonder at those other numbers and what they might mean.  Three is final.  If the behavior hasn't stopped or corrected itself by then, though shit, it's time for some consequences.  Do not add half numbers.  Those can be damn near infinite in their possibilities so again it allows the boundaries your setting to be unclear.  Unclear boundaries can be your downfall, especially if you have a willful child.  Also, what 2 year old understands about half numbers?  Really?  Don't pansy out, stick to 1, 2, 3, be consistent.

Don't spend ten minutes explaining what the counting means, why it's going to happen, what you expect to be done, why you expect it, how long you spent giving birth to them, how much you miss your old body, how you'd like a full nights rest, etc.  "Hey kid, what you're doing, not ok, I'm going to count to three, fix it or you're in trouble; 1, 2, 3."  I know that's a bit vague but that's because I'm not talking directly to a toddler, I'm talking to you.  Better example, kids running away from you and you want them to stop.  "Jude, stop running now.  I want you to come back and stand next to me.  I'm going to count to three and if you aren't here by three you get a time out."  Then count.  As they get older you cut out half of that, "Jude stop, get back here now."  Then count.  Short & simple.  When they comply, or if they don't, you can take a little more time to explain the whys, but during the counting process KISS (keep it simple stupid).

Do explain to them after the fact why you counted, but again, keep it simple because they're going to tune you out in about 30 seconds... so get it in there.  With most things you can say "what you were doing was dangerous and I don't want to see you get hurt.  I love you."  Or something similar, again, simple.  If they don't comply you may need a bit more because you'll want to take a second to tell them what you expect of them the next time it happens.

Okay, so non-compliance.  This doesn't always mean time-out.  I hate that people think that's a cure all punishment   It's not.  And it doesn't work at all if you don't take the time to explain to your child what time-out is for.  It's not a punishment at all really, it's supposed to give your child a chance to think about what it is they just did and why it wasn't correct.  That includes you taking the time to explain to them what, why, and what to do instead.  We've gone over that in previous posts so I'll leave it there in this one.

Follow through.  Whatever it is you just threatened them with, follow through with it if they do not comply.  Which also means make damn sure it's something you CAN, and are willing to, follow through with.  Don't tell them you're going to leave them home while you go see a movie if they don't get their shoes on right this minute... are you really going to leave them home by themselves?  Don't be silly, not a small child.  And they know that too.  If you threaten to leave the zoo if they don't stop acting up, you'd better be prepared to actually leave (had a friend do this, and she stuck to it!  So proud).  If you don't your threat means nothing, your boundaries mean nothing, your parenting at that moment means nothing.  It's wasted breath and energy.  Don't cheat yourself or your child, (wo)man up, put your big girl panties on, pull out the mom voice and handle your business.

See that's the secret right there.  That's how I made it work.

It's amazing to me how often I get "wowed" at in public when I count and Jude simply jumps too.  These days I often don't even have to point out the behavior, I just call Jude and start counting.  I still take after to explain why, but Jude knows that when I start counting to pretty much stop whatever it is he's doing and come to my side to talk to me.  Sounds like a well trained puppy, huh?  Pretty much.  But folks, that shouldn't be considered an amazing feat.  It really wasn't that hard to get to that point with my son.  If you are consistent, follow through, and handle your shit that's the natural result.  I wanted my son to understand that when I ask him to do something to do it and in return I have asked him to trust me that I'm doing things with his best interest at heart.  I tell him this regularly.  I tell him that sometimes he just has to trust me because I'm his mother and I love him more than anything else in this entire world.  I try to explain as best I can, I keep an open line of communication, and when I can't explain it to him I let him know that.  He knows I don't have all the answers, I tell him that regularly, I let him know his mama is only human but that I will always try to do what I think is best for him, for us as a family.

You know that dreaded moment where your kid is running toward a busy street and they think your yelling at them and chasing them is funny and run faster?  I was NEVER going to find myself there.  I promised myself that, and that's why I chose this route of parenting.  I wanted my son to know that when I turn on the mom voice he listens, and when I count, he pays attention, because I will never be that mom that watches horrified as her child plays tag with motor vehicles.

Okay, so sappy stuff overflowing there for a minute.  You get the picture.

In summation, the keys to a successful 1-2-3 count; start young, K.I.S.S., never count past three, and follow through with realistic consequences.

"Two men enter, one man leaves."

Parenting; welcome to Thunderdome! 

Let's just stop pretending...

I'm not sure why, but recently I've had this strong desire to purge my friends and acquaintances.  I think this age of internet, WWW, expanded network BS has me feeling like I've got all this filler in my life.  It's like top ramen for your soul...

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE how easy it is to stay connected to the people I love.  I love that I can be up to date weekly (if not daily) on how those I love are doing.  Dig it.  It's strengthened some relationships far beyond what they would be if we had to rely on phones and snail mail alone.  I am extremely grateful for that.  I also love that it's allowed me to re-connect with people I knew in my youth (shit... did I just refer to another time as my "youth".... holy crap I've crossed that line), especially when I find that I still like them and respect them.

However, I feel like I'm required to "friend" people that I'm not really all that much a fan of in reality.  People that if I see at a party, sure I'm fine being nice too, in fact I even enjoy our interactions, but I would never honestly call them "friend."  I would not call on them in times of crisis.  I would not trust them to be there to help me move.  I don't anticipate them being at my next major event.  I would not expect them to show up at the hospital were I so interned.  And there's nothing wrong with that except that we have this big false thing going on some stupid social networking site and I FEEL like I'm suppose to care and I really shouldn't.  They are filler in my life; water in my lotion, wheat in my cat's food, potatoes in my diet, and Colin Farell in my cinema.  And I'm sure that I am in their's, trust me, I do not expect them to care about the million photos I post of my son, or the antidotes... sort of wish they'd delete me so that I don't have to take the chance in offending them by doing it on my side.

*SIGH*

Why do we put up with this shit?

We call it "networking" but really?  Those of us that are truly doing that, for say a business, we have other accounts for that, not personal ones.  I do... it's been hard to kind of move people over because of my fear of offending them, but really, I'm at a point where I no longer care.  If you like my work you'll keep following me elsewhere, you'll pay for my services.  If you just want to see pretty pictures, you'll "LIKE" my page and call it a day.  There is no need to see all my personal updates.

Unless you know me personally for YEARS, or what feels like years, unless we've just met and aren't sure yet and you want to check our my photo galleries (probation really), unless we're play date buddies, unless you're family or one of my besties that I consider family... I'm sorry, you're going to be pruned soon.  Unless I haven't been hiding you for the last year because you no longer use your personal profile for personal use... you know who you are... then bye bye.  I've likely been hiding you for the last year anyway.  Add me on my "admin" site so we can stay connected in the business sense (go T-Town local artists!), I'm totally cool with that.  In fact, I'd LOVE you for doing that.

Please, please, please do not take offense by this.  It has nothing to do with a personal like or dislike of your character.  It has to do with the fact that I have a limited capacity to pay attention to what 100+ (god forbid 300+) people are doing on a daily basis!  That's not friendship, that's obsession with other people's lives that don't even coincide with yours!  I have 178 people added on FB... not all of which I follow, and not all of which I honestly care about.  That's not fair, not to me, not to them.

And no, I'm not going to simply cancel FB because, like I've said, I love what it does for those of us that are close.  So fuck off.

Rather, take it as a herald.  Take it as an opportunity to do the same for yourself.  If you are trying to run a business, make a PAGE, not a profile and keep your profile personal.  Create a business profile for those that wish to "friend" you on FB, or MS, or what ever platform you use.  Don't feel the need to be "friends: with every tom dick and harry that sends you a request.  Think of FB as your local coffee shop during the day and bar at night.  Who is worth you meeting there for some catch up time?  If you wouldn't do it in person... send them to your business page!  (this may actually require starting a new page that's personal... for me that is WAY too many personal photos to think about so it's not going to happen)

I need some cleansing in my life.  I need to get back to what I love, who I love, and ignoring all the excess that's either annoying, ignored, or, well, just plain pisses me off.... so peace, in the true meaning of the word, let's part ways amicably and get back to what matters to us in life :)

Update blah blah blah

I just realized I haven't updated anything recently.  So, Jude is not yet attending school.  I had originally planned to walk him but found out that the street the runs to the school is a pedestrian death trap.  Not cool, so that's out.  The school will not bus him unless he gets an IEP.  I don't know anyone so I can't carpool (although his teacher has been asking around hoping to find someone willing, which is terribly sweet of her).  The only people I know with a car they don't use is... well, let's just say it's use illegally gets in the way of us potentially borrowing it.  More than that I will not say because it'll just lead me on a rant about negative behavior being rewarded and all that jazz.

So we wait for Jude's Chidfind apt on Oct 5th and we're pretty sure he'll qualify for speech.  In fact two of the people that work with the org have asked his Tutu about it and we're happy to hear because they've heard him speak.  He has a lisp mainly.  He's got a fantastic grasp of language though, so fixing that lisp is all he needs.  But that will be our ticket to transportation for him.  Otherwise I wouldn't worry, we'd just work with him at home, and his class has a speech therapist come in once a week anyway.  But we need that bus!

So in the mean time I've been taking Jude to Story Time at the library on Mon's and Play & Learn there on Wed.  He's warming up to it.  I want him to get use to a set schedule and the learning aspect helps too.  He needs to get use to other kids and responding to his teachers.  I'm a tiny bit nervous about how the first week will go when he does start since it won't just be class... the bus is a totally huge deal since he'll have to do two new things without me right off the bat... but that's life.

We've also been trying to connect with families in Gig Harbor in an attempt to make new friends that live on this side of the bridge.  We had one play date Mon and it went really well.  Jude and Caleb hit it off instantly and played hard for two hours.  But other than his mother no one has been very proactive in the groups I've joined, which is sad.  Hopefully another one or two will come out of the woodwork so he can have a variety of playmates.

Common Courtesy

What the hell has happened to us as a culture that we now fail to consider common courtesy?

Do we no longer know what RSVP means?

And when you do respond, hence the R=répondez.... respond.... seriously, if you can give 24 hrs notice to a doctor when you can't show up for an appointment, don't you think that those you care about, your friends and family, don't deserve at least that?  Do I need to start charging when you fail to cancel an RSVP?

Fuck this callous lack of regard for decorum.  Where has our respect gone?

I'm so tired of throwing parties and having a good 40% of those that RSVP NOT show up.

Look, I'm not offended if you don't want to come to my reception, or my son's birthday party, I'm cool, people have lives that don't involve mine.  I GET that.  I'm not a narcissist.  And I'm not going to take it personally if you don't come because you have other things you must attend to... but goodness fucking gracious... DO NOT RSVP if you don't have at least a 90% chance of coming.  And if anything changes in the 48 hours prior, just let me know.  Send me a text, an e-mail, whatever, but just not showing up...?

It makes me like you just a little less each fucking time it happens.  So when it happens repeatedly?  Yeah, I don't like you nearly as much as I did three years ago.

Go it.

Show me a little respect and communicate with me.

Life isn't so busy that you can't take a minute to type a text and hit send.  This isn't the 18th century, you don't have to send a messenger, just a fucking MSG.

Birthdays and School

So Jude turns four tomorrow, has an open house at his new school to meet his teacher and get to know the classroom, and we're hitting the fair.  It's going to be a long day but I'm really looking forward to it.  Jude is excited about school, we had a a moment where he fought the idea, but after explaining to him that everyone goes to school and that his friends are all starting school, and told him about all the fun things he gets to do he started to get excited.  Now he's rearing to go.  We still have to figure out transportation though... they won't bus preschoolers and I don't have a car... and I'd walk it except for about 50% of the walk there are no sidewalks, nothing but a two foot wide unpaved shoulder and a bunch of traffic.  Not going to happen.  So we'll see if I can work that part out.  I've already managed to snag him a scholarship for tuition so maybe I can swing this too.  I'm a pretty dedicated mama.

I want him ready for Kindergarten next year and I know they're going to fight me on it because his birthday is after the cut off date.  But I KNOW they can test him in and I want him tested.  I know he'll suffer if he's held back a year from all his friends simply because his birthday is a few weeks after theirs.  He thrives with older peers, he seeks them out, he doesn't like younger kids and gets frustrated with them easily.  I don't want him to hate school, I want him to be challenged and to enjoy it.  That will not happen if he's made to wait.  I'm hoping that his preschool teacher will see this and help me... most teachers are against early starts though.  I get that as a general rule I just wish they were more open to testing at least.

I'd home-school him only in all honesty I lack the discipline and patience to do it.  I'd do it if I had to, but I'd really rather not.  Besides which I want Jude to experience school with other kids to socialize with, other adults that he has to listen too, a routine that he has to follow laid out by a teacher, not mom.  I think that's important.  He needs to go outside his comfort zone a bit.

Lordy, my little man is growing up!!!  It's crazy.  Where has the time gone.  Everyone tells you it flies by but you never really get that until it happens.  Part of me wants to slow it all down, and part of me is so proud of the person he is becoming that I can't wait to see where life takes him.  It's scary too... scary to know that at some point I won't be there to protect him, to help guide his choices, that I'll have to step back and let him sink or swim hoping that I gave him the skills he needs to succeed.  Watching other parents with grown kids deal with the backlash of unfortunate choices with the raising of their kids... seeing also that sometimes kids are just going to fail because of who they are in spirit.

Well, it's late, I must sleep, big day tomorrow.

Oh you know us women, we just get all emotional over nothing.

I had someone, in reference to my last blog post (actually to a FB post that was sharing that blog post, more specifically), say something that really made me sad.  Rather than tell you, I'll just post a screen capture and you can read it for yourself.  I'll even be nice and blur out his name and icon, 'cause I'm a lady ;)

Don't worry if you have a "WTF did I just read" moment.  I did.  I even re-read it to assure that I wasn't simply sleep deprived (which I am) and sort of mixing things up a bit for my own amusement.  Sadly, that is not the case.  What we have here folks is the "I'm all for women's rights... so long as they're also good for men!" personality type.  These are the ones that might even agree to a woman's right to choose, however, and this is important, so pay close attention, they still see women as SUPPORT for men.  You can read it plainly in his post.  In black and blue.  That man obviously does not view women as persons independent of men, or even an equal half of a whole if you want to go that route.  This is the same type of person that, if not openly,  in his head, likely often finds himself asking the question "well, what was she wearing?" when told some woman was raped.

And the funny thing is, he does a disservice to men everywhere.  In his relatively short statement via that wonderful social networking site FB, with all it's heaps of brilliant minds navigating it, he has managed to claim that men can't function without a woman to provide for...

Uh...

Hey gentlemen, you think that's fair?

I don't.  To claim that a man can't find the drive to become a productive member of society if he doesn't have a family to bring home the bacon for is ridiculous.  It's inane.  It's exactly that kind of thinking that leads to people doing jack shit with their life simply because they can't find "true love" and it's a load of crap.  Every person, regardless of gender, regardless of socioeconomic status, regardless of religion, race, or what team they root for come game time, should be able to find it in themselves to become, if not successful, at least productive without the need of validation from an outmoded ideal.

Sure, racism is taught (I know this sounds like a non-sequitur, but see screen-cap), I don't dispute that, but not talking about it isn't what makes it go away (you idiot), NOT PRACTICING it is.  Not talking about it, not addressing the issue when it's presented (and it always will be, unfortunately, I have very little faith in humanity as a whole), that can be just as harmful.  I don't mean to BE racist yourself, or to use racial slurs, obviously, I mean to educate.  I wouldn't be surprised if that's what mister blurry face was trying to say, but in a world where the typed word is king, you had better learn to proof read your thoughts just a bit more before posting them lest you look like a court jester.  Us writers will pounce all over that shit.

Now, back to the women's rights thing and this jackasses passive misogyny (emosogyny).  "Ooooo, that's a cool word, what does that mean Tiffany?"  Well, he just showed you what it means, but let me go ahead and add a little to it just to make it clear.  Emosogyny is when someone comes across initially as in support of women, but in reality isn't.  It's making comments like this (oh, jokingly, of course):

To quote another blogger (who quoted another blogger):

Passive misogyny (emosogyny) is underestimating and/or stereotyping women based on deeply ingrained cultural stereotypes and ignorance, and then getting defensive when you are called out because you do not consider yourself sexist and you do not like being wrong.

Yup.  And perhaps you'd like an example.  Aside from the typical not allowing a wife to work but rather firmly (but oh so gently) insisting that she stay home, cook, clean, care for the kids etc., despite what the woman may desire (more power to you if that's what you enjoy doing, I'm a SAHM myself at the moment), of course, 'cause that one's too easy.  Let's say you have a daughter.  Let's say this daughter's has nothing but pink everything.  Let's say you never think to allow her to go down the car toy isle at Target because, well, those are boys toys, why would she want those?  Let's say you buy her legos, but oh, you must buy the ones they have in girly colors, or the sets with little girl figures that come with.... hair dryers... yeah.  I loved legos as a little girl.   Know what, the regular colored ones suited me just fine.

This does not mean that you can't allow a little girl to CHOOSE those things for herself.  In studies where both "boy" and "girl" toys were offered collectively to toddlers of varying ages, often they gravitate towards those we consider to be "gender" specific (boys toward trucks, girls toward dolls).  The point is not to push those stereotypes on to our children.  By intentionally (or rather ignorantly) providing your little girl with nothing but baby dolls, toy strollers, fake high heels (which seriously should be banned), and play kitchens, you are telling them that this is all you expect of them.  And maybe they're okay with that, maybe they are just born to be a mommy... but maybe, just maybe, they're not.  Maybe they dream of flying an airplane and see the world, or being a doctor and saving lives, or a lawyer who helps fight for justice, or an archaeologist who gets to explore exotic lands and find wonderful treasures!  Do you want to deny her her dreams?  Do you want to potentially crush your little girls dreams?

I never said, in fact I stated quite the opposite in the blog post that was "shared" in the post blurry face was responding too... which means he didn't read the blog... *sigh* maybe for him ignorance IS bliss.  Anyway, as I said there, I do not think that being a SAHM is shameful.  Quite the opposite, I think it's one of the most rewarding, hardest, scariest, nerve racking, IMPORTANT jobs a woman (or man) can do.  See how I threw in that "man" all sly like.  Yeah, MEN can own that role too, and be damn good at it!  The point is not shaming at all.  The point is allowing a choice and allowing pride in whatever that choice is, and feeling pride for them in their chosen path.  Period.

It may turn out that she rocks the SAHM role, but let her decide that's the role she wants to fill, don't push her into simply because your male ego can't see past her lack of a penis.

Coolest F-word Ever Deserves a Fucking Shout!

I am raising a feminist.  But Tiffany, you have a BOY... what does that mean exactly?  You may well ask.

Feminism is not just for ladies.  Feminism is not a bad word.  It's not about bra burning or men hating.  It's not about hairy legs or tampon waving (I'm not even sure what that means).  It's about the simple desire to see women as equal to men in RIGHTS.

Define feminism:


fem·i·nism1.2.

  

[fem-uh-niz-uhm]  Show IPA

noun

the doctrine advocating social, political, and all other rightsof women equal to those of men.

( sometimes initial capital letter ) an organized movement forthe attainment of such rights for women.

See.  This does not mean that a feminist thinks that a woman can do everything a man can, let's face it, it's extremely hard for us to pee standing up without getting it all over ourselves (and men can't seem to keep pee off of toilet seats so there's some balance to be had).  It just means we, the collective we, deserve the same rights, protections and opportunities.  If a man can legitimately gain a job over a woman based on skills, schooling or experience, okay then.  Fair won.  Right on.  In some jobs that can be a physical requirement, like say, a Fireman... they kind of need to be able to lift a certain amount of weight.  That's doesn't mean a woman can't try, or even succeed, but I recognize that it means there are going to be fewer Firemen that are ladies.  I'm cool with that.  If I ever need to be rescued from a fire you can bet your ass I want someone that can lift mine.    But lady weight lifters DO exist, it is possible, and we merely deserve the opportunity.

This does not mean that being a feminist means you think women are better than men.  Each has their strengths and weaknesses, and yes sometimes that's due to nature and gender, but those are things we're born with, not something we created ourselves.  It's the peeing standing up argument again.  I personally do not discriminate based on sex, women can be assholes too.  Let's just be fair about the criteria when we hate, okay?

When it comes to our bodies we deserve the same rights afforded to men.  You will never see (not in our lifetime) a law up for debate that requires men give up the right to choose what they do with their reproductive organs.  No time soon will you be hearing of a Supreme Court case that involves a mans right to choose to get a vasectomy, or masturbate (all those little potentials for life!?!?  OMG, just wasted.... WWJD?) into a sock.  You will not hear them being forced to carry a child for nine months because he was raped (which if it were possible it would still never happen), or questioned as to whether on not their rape was even legitimate.  Nope.

We are on the cusp of a new feminist revolution folks.  We are being faced with wave after wave of ridiculous  attacks against the rights that our mothers, grandmothers and great grandmothers fought to win for us!  How can we just stand by and allow this to happen?  How can we, again collective, actually AGREE?  That's what really boggles my mind is the amount of women out there that are being swayed into following along with these misogynistic ideals that anyone has the right to tell anyone else what to do with their bodies?!  This isn't a matter of if you believe abortion is wrong, it has to do with the fact that you can't force your will on other people.  Jesus never taught about creating laws to rule others lives?  He taught about loving your neighbors despite how they may make choices we don't agree with.  He taught to let GOD deal with them if they choose to live less than ... Christian.

Laws must exist to protect, and some claim that abortion laws are protecting unborn children... want to know what?  I was raised Mormon.  Know what I was taught... led to believe by the churches movies, propaganda, etc?  Well, it wasn't that the spirit entered the body at conception.  Nope.  I distinctly remember a movie that when a mother lost a baby, it showing the "spirit" of the child still hanging out in the pre-exisitance (like heaven but for those that have yet to be born), bummed at not getting to be born yet... So... what's up there?

Regardless, laws are based on provable facts.  That's why we don't just put people to death without first proving that they are without a doubt guilty of something (and even then most countries, or states within them, have squashed the death penalty on the off chance it's not right).  Legal burden of proof.  It's why we sometimes have to let guilty people go; because we can't prove they did what we may know in our hearts they did.  So, with that knowledge and no scientific proof that a microscopic bundle of cells is actually a person, how can we (not me personally) impose our spiritual belief on the right of someone to handle their own medical decisions?  No shit.  That's what this boils down to.  This is about spiritual belief, this is not about facts.  If you can not prove something you should not be basing laws that take away someone's proven rights on it.  Period.

"People, we are standing at ground zero

Of the feminist revolution

Yeah, it was an inside job

Stoic and sly

One we're supposed to forget 

And downplay and deny

But I think the time is nothing

If not nigh

To let the truth out

Coolest f-word ever deserves a fucking shout!"

That metaphor is powerful (excerpt from Ani's Grand Canyon).  Takes a min to really sink in, but think about that, think about surveying the rubble of our rights as women...  think about the flames they went up in, the people that died fighting to preserve them, the work of the countless people that built them up in the first place.  That's huge.

So what are my plans?  How will I personally fight to combat this tide of rage against women?  Two things, first, I vote.  That's pretty simple.  Second, I will raise my son to respect women, women's rights, human rights, and civil rights.  I will raise him to be a gentleman and open doors, not because a woman needs him to open the door for them, but because it's a sign of respect and common courtesy,  He will be taught that a woman's sex life is no more his business than a mans is, and unless he's in a relationship with them he has no right to discuss it or judge it.  He does not have to agree with their choices but he does have to respect their right to choose.  He will NOT be taught that the way a woman dresses is a direct expression of their sexual desires and that no one ever "asks" to be raped or assaulted.  He will learn that men and women have an obligation to each other to live balanced lives, both within society as a whole as well as in individual relationships.  A woman's desire to stay home with her children is not a direct reflection of any acknowledgement of "her place" being in the home any more than a man's decision to work is a direct reflection of his desire not to see his family.  We each do what we feel is right for us and our families.  If a man wishes to stay home and raise the children, that is a mighty fine and noble choice.

Our fight to regain feminist as a title of power and respect rather than a slur for conservatives to sling around like mud begins with teaching our children what it really means to be one.  We must learn to respect ourselves and each other.  We need to stop putting our worth between our legs.  We need to stop using terms like "slut" and "whore" to label each other.  We need to start supporting each other in our choices of motherhood over a career or a career over bearing children.  These are personal choices not statements about all womankind.  We need to teach through example and we need to include our SONS in all of this.  It's not just about raising strong daughters, it's about raising strong sons that support those strong daughters.  Sons that can accept equality and not feel the need to strut and fight and control women in order to feel like men.

Many may think this means raising them to be feminine... Is Christian Bale feminine?  George Clooney, Will Smith, Matt Damon, Jon Hamm, Ryan Gosling?  Bah, that line of thinking is a load of crap and I won't even bother to entertain it.  Besides, I can guarantee you those feminist men get more genuine positive female attention than Paul Ryan ever did.

I am raising a feminist.

Narcissists Need Not Apply

Never doubt that my love for my son and husband will always FAR out weigh any love I'm expected to feel toward extended family.  Notice the use of the term "expected" because while some may think love is required, for me it's fucking EARNED.  And I can promise you that my love is not given freely or gained easily.

You don't want to hear any specifics I have to say on the subject because my words will penetrate far deeper than any junkies needle ever will.

The Epidemic of the Eternal Adolescent

There are a few things I have come upon in the past few days that have only worked to reinforce certain beliefs I have about parenting.  The first was brought to my attention via this article: Discipline for Softies.

Actually, that will lead directly into the next thought because frankly they are connected.

Okay, so here's what I have an issue with.  Being a "softie" is not a character trait to pander too, it is a FLAW that has to be fought against.  Why?  Because in shielding your child from the facts of life (read largely as "consequences for their actions" and "inappropriate behavior vs. appropriate behavior") sets them up for either a great shock when they become aware of them on their own, or a complete inability to recognize them at all.

Remember:  it is our JOB as PARENTS to TEACH our children how to interact with the world around them in a way that makes their lives as full, healthy, and beneficial to both themselves and all the rest of society.  Got it?  I know that's heavy shit, but parenting IS heavy shit.  It's being wholly responsible for raising another human being.  That human being has in turn the ability to saves lives... or ruin them.  They have the ability to become leaders of great revolutions, or instigators of horrible acts.  They can protect, or they can harm.  They are a force in this world and we as parents are responsible for doing our absolute BEST to make them forces of good.  Do you see where I'm going with this?

Yes, there are times where our best will never be enough.  There are things beyond our control, like mental illnesses, that we can only do so much to shape.  HOWEVER, we as parents are still responsible for doing what can be done.  Period.  And I'm going to leave that topic alone because that will get me way too off course.  So back to the average range.

So, in the article it mentions a few things that really get my goat.  Like the "child-proofing" your day.  Unless your child has a condition that means that "melt-downs" are more than just a bratty fit, then all you're doing it padding their life.  What I mean by that is that by taking away the possibility for conflict you're setting them up to expect an easy road.  When they are faced with it outside of their life with you they are going to be unpleasantly surprised and likely unable to solve their own problems.

The second thing is the "master distractor" part.  Are you fucking kidding me?!?!?!  Past the infant stage this is  an absolutely ridiculous idea.  Hell, even then it's dangerous.  Why on earth would you pass up the opportunity to not only help your child learn how to problem solve and share (if other kids are involved like the example in the article), but also the opportunity to point out exactly what behavior is inappropriate, WHY it's inappropriate, and then what the appropriate behavior that should replace it is?  THAT's pretty much everything you're supposed to be doing as a parent.  Distraction is a cop out, it's lazy, it's selfish and it's worthless.  I do not only disprove of this method of parenting, I outright condemn it, and if you use it as a parenting technique expect a serious look of disdain from my general direction.

Scene playing out in my head *Office pulls your son over for speeding: "Son, do you know how fast you were going?"  "Uh, no officer?"  "It's okay, ooooo look, play dough!"*

Now, when it comes to discipline, which the article doesn't really touch.  It talks about avoiding having to discipline more than it covers the actual act.  Given, if you're actively parenting you rarely have to do so, but still.  Okay, pop quiz: what is the most important thing to remember when disciplining a child?  Anybody?  FOLLOW THROUGH.  I've said it before and I'll say it again.  If you do not follow through with any act of discipline your child will figure out what their odds are pretty fast.  If they know they can act out and 9 times our of 10 they won't get in trouble for it... well, anyone can tell you those are pretty damn good odds.  They will risk that one time if it means they get their way the rest of the time.

Okay, so from there let's fast forward 20 (or 30) years.

Where's your kid now?

There is an epidemic currently going on in America.  It's the epidemic of the eternal adolescent.  It is whole generations of children that never make it past the age of 20 (or more likely 16, but I'm trying to be generous) emotionally.  These children have no purpose, no direction, no real place in society.  They are often a burden on their parents as well as the rest of the population (wasting pell grants, collecting unemployment, food stamps, medical, etc).  They complain about no jobs but feel that working at McDonalds is beneath them (NOTHING is beneath you if you're earning an honest living and providing for yourself and your family).  They has a false sense of entitlement thanks to decades of being given awards for "participation" and being told that they are a "special" for no other reason than because they were born.  Being born doesn't make you special.  There are millions of people on this planet and most of them are nothing special.  You can be someone special to someone else, that's all most of us can hope for in all honesty, but being special above and beyond the rest of the populace?  Please, that's takes serious gumption, intelligence and/or talent mixed with a whole lot of luck.

The funny thing, the problem really, is that once a child becomes an adult in mere years parents stop treating them like a child.  If they are living in your home, if they are eating the food you buy (and cook), if you are washing their clothes, if you are paying for the utilities they use, if they are driving your car and asking you for money for gas to put in it... guess what?  They are NOT an adult.  They are still a teenager and unless you want to live out the rest of your life with them under your wing, you have to return to treating them like a child.  You have to hope to either help them start growing again, or push them into doing it.

There are a ton of articles out there that cover the "rules" concerning adult children returning home, so I'm not going to get into that.  Google it if you want some ideas.  They're pretty "no-duh" for the most part and pertain mostly to situations that anticipate those children being responsible and their stay being merely temporary, and that's not the type of thing I'm currently talking about, that's a different situation entirely.  Instead I want to focus on those that seem to have no desire to become independent.

Ah, here we are: When an Adult Child Won't Grow Up.  That's much more useful.  (I totally just said that in my head using Hoggle from Labyrinth's voice, I'm a nerd)

The fact of the matter is that pandering to children of any age is a serious recipe for disaster.  You have to prepare them, you have to push them, you have to teach them, you have to discipline them, and you absolutely CAN NOT reward negative behavior.  You don't allow a child to go on a field trip after repeatedly  bringing home bad grades, lying, or throwing tantrums... why the hell would you an adult to act in essentially the same way then hand them the car keys, gas money and a promise of a vacation?  Because if you do, you get no sympathy from me, no "It's not your fault" comments, because when YOU allow them to treat you that way, well then... it is your fault.