Not My Child, Shoo, Scat, Get.

So, summer has just started for us.  And by that I mean my son had his last day of school and we've had one full week of him being home all day again.

How do parents do this?

To go from even just three hours four days a week of having time to get shit done to having it revoked... it's like a punishment and I'm not even sure what I did to deserve it.

Don't get all high and mighty with me now, yes I chose to have a child, yes raising him is something I have to actively participate in, yes I love him, yes I'm aware that time is short and he'll be grown before I know it.  But seriously, the day in and day out of parenting can wear on a person if they're not getting time off.  As with anything you need some moderation.  I can't miss my child if he's always with me.

And you have to understand something else, my son also shares a room with me... I don't even get a break at night when I go to bed because he's right there, three feet away from me, needing a glass of water, to pee, to be tucked back in, to be untucked because now he's too hot... etc.

I love  my son.  I love him more than anything else in this entire world.  Just the thought of losing him stops my heart and makes it hard to breathe.

But, you can love something and still have it fray your nerves.

People that have never been a stay at home parent have no idea what it's like.  In the early stages it's easy, they sleep, eat, poop, not much to worry over.  By the time they're walking though, it's game on.  By the time their talking, it's game over, and they've won.  I'm not sure when it get's easier because at nearly five I'm still being called in to wipe my son's bum when he's pooped (well, he has to do it first, I have to check his work).  He's not old enough to make his own food, fetch his own snacks (mostly because he can't reach the cupboards), get his clothes (again, due to their location and his lack of adult height), find any of his toys... he takes after his father on that one because it's usually right where I say it is and he's looked five times already but his blind spot keeps falling just so and he can't see it in plain sight.  I kiss boo-boos, I navigate menus, I pick up, wipe up, clean up, cuddle, fetch, fetch, fetch... so much fetching I feel like changing my name to Fido.

Now we have two neighbor girls that our son plays with and while on a social level for Jude, I'm grateful, on a personal note I want to get out the spray bottle and treat them like feral cats.  Ever had a 5 year old stand with their face pressed against your screen door saying things like "You have Netflix?  Like me?"  "What's that on the couch?  Is that a stuffed animal."  "What are you doing?"  "Can I have a snack?"  "Can I have some toys?"  "Can you bring out the castle?"  "Can I see that Skylander again?"  "Where are your cats?"  "Can we play in the sandbox?"  "This is my My Little Pony, her name is Stardust."  "Want to see my Barbie?"  "Look what I can do!!!!"  I have to fight the urge to flick her little squashed nose every time.

NOT MY CHILD.

See, this is why I decided that teaching was not a career move for me.  Other people's children drive me batty.  Not all of them, there are a few in this world I like, even love, but for the most part I want them to go bug someone else.

In this case, out of the two, honestly, the older one (she's 6) is kind of cool and only bugs me maybe once a week, but the youngest (she's nearly 5), does it constantly throughout the day.  All day.  Every day.

Actually, I think if it were just the older child and Jude I'd get some peace and quiet because all the altercations that arise, that I must mediate, are the younger one having problems (translate into not getting her way).  Wish in one hand...

Sigh.

So yeah, right now I don't have any work to do, so it's merely annoying but not detrimental to my over-all productiveness... but I'm dreading the days when I've editing shoots because there is a real chance I'm going to end up snapping and my next post will be about how my neighbor yelled at me for calling her child an bothersome little cricket.  And no, I have no idea why I chose cricket.

In summation, next year, I'm looking into summer camps.

This probably wouldn't be so bad if I had transportation and could escape.

God isn't a Four Letter Word

Okay, so I'm sitting here sifting through thoughts on all kinds of things, trying to get something to coalesce into a cohesive blog post so that I can get it out.  My mind is like a covered pot of boiling soup, if I don't open it up and let a little steam off every now and again (actually, pretty much daily) it becomes this super pressurized bomb like device ready to explode at the next person who tries to see what's cookin'.  Sometimes that can be kind of entertaining, but usually it's just messy, and fairly uncomfortable for me.  Many a sleepless night is caused by my little kettle of a brain.

So, what's on my mind that is in dire need of escaping?

Eh, a little bit of everything.  Hence the difficulty forming a post.

Here:

"This is the thing: When you hit 28 or 30, everything begins to divide. You can see very clearly two kinds of people. On one side, people who have used their 20s to learn and grow, to find themselves and their dreams, people who know what works and what doesn’t, who have pushed through to become real live adults. Then there’s the other kind, who are hanging onto college, or high school even, with all their might. They’ve stayed in jobs they hate, because they’re too scared to get another one. They’ve stayed with men or women who are good but not great, because they don’t want to be lonely they mean to develop intimate friendships, they mean to stop drinking like life is one big frat party. But they don’t do those things, so they live in an extended adolescence, no closer to adulthood than when they graduated.

Don’t be like that. Don’t get stuck. Move, travel, take a class, take a risk. There is a season for wildness and a season for settledness, and this is neither. This season is about becoming. Don’t lose yourself at happy hour, but don’t lose yourself on the corporate ladder either. Stop every once in a while and go out to coffee or climb in bed with your journal. Ask yourself some good questions like: “Am I proud of the life I’m living? What have I tried this month? Do the people I’m spending time with give me life, or make me feel small? Is there any brokenness in my life that’s keeping me from moving forward?”

Now is your time. Walk closely with people you love, and with people who believe life is a grand adventure. Don’t get stuck in the past, and don’t try to fast-forward yourself into a future you haven’t yet earned. Give today all the love and intensity and courage you can, and keep traveling honestly along life’s path."

I love that.  I love the simple universal truth behind it's somewhat blanket ideal and somewhat short delivery.

Here's what I find interesting though.

The above quote isn't the original.  It's an edited excerpt from an article that was published via Relevant Magazine, a Christian publication.  Here's the original text:

"This is the thing: when you start to hit 28 or 30, everything starts to divide, and you can see very clearly two kinds of people: on one side, people who have used their 20s to learn and grow, to find God and themselves and their deep dreams, people who know what works and what doesn’t, who have pushed through to become real live adults. And then there’s the other kind, who are hanging onto college, or high school even, with all their might. They’ve stayed in jobs they hate, because they’re too scared to get another one. They’ve stayed with men or women who are good but not great, because they don’t want to be lonely. They mean to find a church, they mean to develop honest, intimate friendships, they mean to stop drinking like life is one big frat party. But they don’t do those things, so they live in kind of an extended adolescence, no closer to adulthood than they were when they graduated college.

Don’t be like that. Don’t get stuck. Move, travel, take a class, take a risk. Walk away, try something new. There is a season for wildness and a season for settledness, and this is neither. This season is about becoming. Don’t lose yourself at happy hour, but don’t lose yourself on the corporate ladder either. Stop every once in a while and go out to coffee or climb in bed with your journal. Ask yourself some good questions like: “Am I proud of the life I’m living? What have I tried this month? What have I learned about God this year? What parts of my childhood faith am I leaving behind, and what parts am I choosing to keep with me for this leg of the journey? Do the people I’m spending time with give me life, or make me feel small? Is there any brokenness in my life that’s keeping me from moving forward?” 

 Now is your time. Become, believe, try. Walk closely with people you love, and with other people who believe that God is very good and life is a grand adventure. Don’t spend time with people who make you feel like less than you are. Don’t get stuck in the past, and don’t try to fast-forward yourself into a future you haven’t yet earned. Give today all the love and intensity and courage you can, and keep traveling honestly along life’s path."

If you know me, or read my blog, you'll know that I'm not a Christian.  So why do I feel the need to point out the difference between the version in popular circulation vs the original?  Because I feel that as an open minded seeker of truth, I should not be bothered by the use of God in a message of this nature.  Why should I be?  The message here is honest and positive no matter where you put your faith.  If I expect a Christian to accept that I have my own truth, my own needs that lie outside of a church or religion, what should I not in turn be able to even read the word God in a text without being turned off to the message it carries?

Honestly folks.  Grow the fuck up.

If you can take the word God out of the text and it's still a great message, leaving it in shouldn't bother you in the slightest.  You should be able to be adult enough to apply the truth without the need to hack away at someone elses words.  If you're preaching universal truth, don't be a hypocrite by omitting the details like that, even if they are unimportant for you... especially if they are unimportant to you.  I'm not sure why this stood out to me today, but there it is.  Take it for what it's worth.  I did :)

↑ Truth bitches ↑

Hypocrisy sucks ass.

The God Academy

I haven't spent much time blogging lately.  I go through ups and downs on the writing front.  Sometimes I feel like I'm just beating a dead horse with some subjects... and I lose the drive to even try to put my thoughts into type.

Lately I've been reading some self-empowerment literature.  Yeah, I know, how new age hippie of me, but seriously, the older I get the more help I need in the positive reinforcement category.  I admire those that take adult life less seriously, and by that I mean enjoy the little things, revel in the moment, roll with the punches, all the while knowing that they are truly happy and content.

I'm an over-thinker.  I dwell, I analyze, I replay, I question everything, and it tends to lend toward anxiety and stress, and just plain grumpiness.  But I've been taking intentional steps toward correcting this flaw in my character.  Well, not correcting, rather refocusing.  I can't change who I am on a basic level but I can redirect my energy into more positive outlets.  And I can't do that alone, I need help.

So, I picked up this book, it was a borrow for free on my Kindle, it's called The God Academy by  Angelica Crystal Powers.  Now, I've read The Secret, and while I appreciate the tools it gives for applying the rules of the power of attraction, it's a little kitschy, and it doesn't really go that deep into the core of what intrigues me about the principles of the POA.  TGA was highly recommended by other that had the same feelings as me so I thought why not.  I'll give it a read.  I find it rare that anything I read is a waste of my time, knowledge is knowledge regardless of if you find a way to apply it to your life directly.

I know what you're thinking... the GOD academy?  It's going to be all religious.  On the contrary, it has nothing to do with religion of the organized variety so much as it has to do with the religion of the heart, your heart.  Your soul, your own personal feelings about the universe and your place in it.  In fact, it's more likely to ruffle your feathers if you follow a strict belief in God than if you don't believe in one at all.

"Automatically accepting the secondhand perceptions of our past conditioning without question makes as little sense as wearing hand-me-down spectacles. Just because someone else's prescription helped to bring the world into focus for them doesn't mean it will work for you."

THAT.

That right there is something I've always felt is true.  Being raised Mormon I was given a pretty strict outline of what our spiritual lives consist of and how our physical lives are to be led in direct reflection of that.  Life, as it often does, threw me in to situations that made me question everything I was taught.  Now, don't get me wrong, the universal truths like "Do unto others" and "Love thy neighbors" and "Be true to yourself" all stuck. Those are things that don't require a God or a religion to know.  But all the specifics about where we come from, where we go when we die, prayers, angels, Bible stories, etc, all of that was bunk to me.  It just didn't sit right.  Much of my family remain practicing Mormons, and more power to them, I've never said that because I choose not to believe it doesn't mean I think they should change their minds.  What works for one does not always work for another.  Some people need religious structure, I find nothing wrong with this.  I do have issues with forcing your need on others, but that's another topic for another time.  I merely believe that everyone should try their hardest to find the truths that work for them in spite of their upbringing.  You may find it is what you were taught by your parents, but you may not.

I find it hard to believe that if there is a God, a supreme ruler, that he'd be so loving and yet so judgmental and narcissistic as to expect everyone, with all our differences, to believe only one "true" religion.  Yup.  I know if I were a God I'd be happy if everyone could just get along.  I wouldn't need them to praise me, just to reflect some of that omnipotent love on their neighbors.  I'd be a groovy god.  Peace, Love, and Music.  You could call me dude and I wouldn't be offended.

Okay, so back to the OT.  So yes, I have a very hard time practicing positive thinking without constant reminders to do so.  It's just how I'm hardwired, but I recognize that and so that's why I take the time to read books like TGA.  I print and post positive messages on  my mirrors and next to my bed.  I verbalize these sentiments daily.  You are welcome to poo-poo this, it doesn't bother me, because I always see a drastic improvement in my life when I take the time to do this.

"See yourself as the hero in your narrative.  On a sheet of paper, describe yourself as a hero enmeshed in your own fabulous story, a central character who may have been tossed about by life, but who is about the grab the reins and take command.  How, exactly, will this hero traverse the same spiritual threshold other bold men and women of history have stepped across to reach all the personal success and material wealth they knew they deserved?  What is your next move?"

I will sometime pretend I'm being followed around by a camera, that my life is a movie, and I focus on what a protagonist in a script would do in any given situation.  So I'm facing a hardship, how would Dorthy react? I like using Dorthy because she's just so darn positive and it's the series Jude and I are currently reading together.  Dorthy and her pals faced countless obstacles, her story is actually really basic when it comes to plot structure, obvious in fact, but that's why it works so well for this exercise.  There's not a lot of crazy psychology to cloud the situation.  Just strip it down and ask what Dorthy and her crew would do (because it was always a group effort, all solutions used the individual strengths of each character, none could have made the journey alone).

It takes time, it's not an over night change, but in the grand scheme of time immemorial it'll take none at all to change your life from negative to positive.  And you'll likely slip, and you'll back slide, and you'll need reminding again, and that's OK, because that's is simply part of the human condition.  There is no shame in reaching out, asking for help, or accepting it when it's not even asked for.  I will never understand why people feel they must do everything on their own, we're a symbiotic species, we need each other to survive, it's how we're built.

So yeah, that's where my head is at right now.  I hate that I've already wasted so much time focusing on what I don't have, or waiting for that day that I do have something to make my life better.  It's ridiculous and I'm actively trying to do better by this wonderful life I've got.

Testing

FB degrades everything when you upload, so I wanted to post this here for a better idea of the sharpness with the new specs.

Lest You Be Judged

Know what?

I'm a judgmental person.  Yup.

But hey, at least I admit it, right?  Hell yeah.  I harbor no delusions about the fact that I am quick to asses a person and then conveniently file them away under a well accepted label.  It leaves room in my brain for the important things.  I'm not perfect, but I'm still pretty cool, and I am still loved by many strange and wonderful people, so I'm not phased by this.

Let me clarify one thing though, I don't jump to conclusions based on gender, race, or age.  Religion...?  Eh, I sometimes do, depends on the religion.  Scientologists are likely to land up in my "loony" folder, I'm not going to lie.  In fact, I'm not even sure I consider that a religion... point being is my judgments are based on speech and action.  The minute you open your mouth (or place your fingers to the keyboard) I start picking through your word choices, your topic choices, your opinions and then I begin to hold them up against your actions.  The longer I know you the more refined my judgments become.  Makes sense right?  Yup, because everyone fucking does it.  Even if they don't want to admit to it, we're all judgmental bastards.  We're hardwired for it.  Anyone that says otherwise is either a Saint, or a liar.  My money is on the later of the two choices.  Take a little time to review the psychology behind the concept and you'll find that I'm speaking the truth.

The older I get the more quickly I start refining my judgement   Hey, I'm getting old, I don't have time for stupid people.  I don't have the patience to wait years to discover that you're a hypocritical bitch.  I'm going to sort that out as quickly as I can so that I can bow out of any social interaction I may otherwise feel obligated to participate in.  I like to reserve my time for people I actually like, who make me laugh, who are honest and can admit they're human.  This doesn't mean I like mean people, it just means I prefer my friends not to focus so hard on placing themselves on the moral high-ground (especially when it's mostly for show) but rather just go about their lives and are just good (but flawed) by default.  Other people and their opinions be damned.

So, if I don't care why am I even bothering to post this?  Eh, two reasons, 1) I dislike when someone attacks my friends, and 2) I can.  I'm judgmental  remember, this also means I'm highly likely to post my opinions on a matter in a public forum simply because I CAN.  My blogs have always been a source of therapy for me, ever since I first joined LiveJournal back in the fall of 2003 (yeah, I've been "blogging" for a long as time).  Although I've been keeping hard-copy journals since I was a preteen.  Writing just works for me, and now thanks to the WWW, I can share my judgmental thoughts with others.

And do I expect others to judge me?  Duh, of course I do, I'd be disappointed if they didn't, a little ego bruised even.  If I choose to let it bother me, that's MY problem.  It's usually not a problem though :)

That said, check yourself.  If you want to judge others, by all means, go for it, I do, but don't damn them for behavior that you are also guilty of.  At least not publicly, that's just downright stupid.

Look at this Instagram

Find Instagram a little pretentious and a little stupid?  Yeah, me too.  Click the picture for a hilarious parody compliments of collegehumor.com.

We're Higher Than a Motherf*cker!

I have a ton on my mind right now... but I'm going to forego posting a ton of blog verbatim of what is occurring in my mind since frankly it's been said a million times already by people in both the past and present that share a similar view of the world and are much more eloquent than myself (as good with the English language as I am).  Let's face it, we're not alone in this so we're not likely to be horribly unique in our thoughts right now.

Instead I'm going to post a video that pretty much sums up how I'm feeling right now.

Two weeks ago I would never have thought to not only be posting/sharing a Nicki Minaj piece but actually playing it on repeat for hours on end... but the world is an amazing place where we have the freedom to change our minds and feelings when experience dictates.  Sometimes inspiration comes in the most unlikely places, try not to close yourself off to the possibilities.  Don't be a snob, just enjoy it, trust me.  HIT PLAY NOW, and just listen...

By the way, in my head, this is Obama's theme song right now.... no, seriously, listen to it and tell me I'm wrong.  It's pretty damn appropriate, in a wonderfully inappropriate (not entirely accurate), crass kind of way.  Which in a way is totally appropriate for our/my generation.  We may feign at being all grown up and responsible but there is still a part of us that wants to tell the man to fuck off.

And FUCK YEAH WA for approving Ref-74!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  "Fuck who you want and fuck who you like!" (see, the song is carrying over into other issues, it's perfect!)  It's a civil rights issue and I'm proud to have voted in favor of LOVE for all.  Love wins!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And no, I'm not actually high right now, even though WA has just approved an initiative that makes pot legal. I-502, it limits quantities  but still, same idea as alcohol.  WA, we're progressive like that.  We're sort of awesome.

So who wants to take me dancing?  I'll bet you're smiling right now huh?  You can't help it.  The last two days have restored your faith in humanity... at least a little bit.  Let's do this one more time!!!!